Avoid attachment

[goodoldnoname923]

How do you prevent yourself from getting attached to people

I've been exploited alot by people in my life because of my clingy and codependent behaviour i just wanna know how i prevent this from happening or a better way to detect red flags in people

 

[damyon]

I've been exploited alot by people [...] i just wanna know how i prevent this from happening or a better way to detect red flags in people

To prevent this from happening, observe people from a distance.

If you have to get closer, be ready to cut the losses quickly. You can practice this to become desensitized to it.

Take care.

 

[KillingPain267]

Just second guess everyone's intentions. Believe that nobody really likes you or anyone except themselves.

 

[BlackDog81]

How do you prevent yourself from getting attached to people

I've been exploited alot by people in my life because of my clingy and codependent behaviour i just wanna know how i prevent this from happening or a better way to detect red flags in people

I understand, at the root of most suffering lies attachment.

Especially difficult when we are in love, or limerance because when we're wearing rose tinted glasses there are no red flags, only pink ones.

If you have a tendency to be codependent it can be very hard to change and not to attach so deeply.

Therapists would blar on about improving your relationship with yourself and raising your own value in your eyes. Having strict boundaries and not letting people break them. All easier said then done when we live in a world full of evil manipulative narcissists.

I have given up on the idea that relationships can contribute happiness to my life entirely, as in my 42 years they have brought me mostly pain but I wish you all the very best.

 

[KillingPain267]

Yeah, the loss of a relationship is worse than starting one and being in one. It's the basic assymmetry argument of David Benatar, that pain is worse than pleasure in this universe.

 

[biasedregret]

Yeah, the loss of a relationship is worse than starting one and being in one. It's the basic assymmetry argument of David Benatar, that pain is worse than pleasure in this universe.

Wise words, and interesting to see Benatar's asymmetry used in a relationship context. The end of the last one I was in utterly destroyed me, psychologically.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I think a part of me has always accepted that people are a joke. Not in a mean way, but it's like anything can happen with them. You can't truly avoid becoming attached if that's your style (particularly if you're lonely or have an anxious disposition) but never let others de-rail your core plans if you have any. And I would say it's fine to grieve or be upset when something goes wrong, but at least promise yourself not to make life-altering decisions based on what happens with someone else.

 

[KillingPain267]

Wise words, and interesting to see Benatar's asymmetry used in a relationship context. The end of the last one I was in utterly destroyed me, psychologically.

Same here. I only had one long relationship. I still see no red flags in my ex, neither did my parents (of course now they claim to see it in hindsight, lol). It was many beautiful years, and kept me emotionally secure. Then it suddenly ended and 6 months later still feels like my brain is being slow cooked. My mind can see no purpose in living alone or finding a new partner (in fact, I believe had I chosen a different person it would have ended even worse). Now, sure, before I met my ex I was also mentally troubled a bit in loneliness, but I had hope. Now I see no hope because I will always have in mind that a new relationship could end (it's like a deterrent because I want to avoid pain again). I would in fact look for red flags, perhaps invent them, and thus destroy it for that person. So I would rather go back to loneliness before, because I at least hadn't experienced the pain yet.

It's like a drug. It's fun for a bit, but then wears off and it's just something you take daily. But when you go cold turkey, the withdrawal pain is some of the most horrific pain and you regret ever having tried it. In fact, the reason ex-addicts often relapse is not due to the pleasure of the drug but rather to mask the damage the drug has done (it is said that the first "high" is never achieved again by the addict even when they relapse).

As for Benatar's assymmetry applied to relationships, I apply it because studies show how separation can be just as damaging as losing a loved one to death. In fact harder, because society does not give the broken up person a break. Studies also show children are more affected by divorce than death of a parent, no joke. I believe the way we humans act towards each other can physically alter the brain and thus incur actual brain damage. Think PTSD war veterans who have to live on with a permanently overactive alerted amygdala by just seeing stuff for a few months. I believe the "neurotypical" brain is also to some degree damaged as it hardens in adulthood and then ages. All of this is due to how humans relate to each other (this is the misanthropic argument for anti-natalism, and I'm definitely not claiming that I haven't taken part in hurting others as well!). The fact that over half of relationships end and cause more or less damage does not mean it is a "normal" thing the human mind can withstand unscathed (just like the fact that almost everyone knowing someone who has been victims of crime or war doesn't and shouldn't normalize war and crime). "Just get over it".