cowlover1252
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- Aug 21, 2026
- 93
Growing up, I always knew something was wrong with me, but I just could not figure it out for the life of me, and it was maddening. My parents never told me about my diagnosis until I was 17. It was Thanksgiving and I asked one of my brother's if he could help me cook, because he was doing nothing. He said he can't do it because he has autism. My dad then casually mentions that I have autism too, saying my brother needs to come help. He was so nonchalant about it, like it was no big deal. If only I knew sooner I would have stopped trying and failing so miserably to fit in. By that age I had already attempted CTB multiple times because my life felt so horrible.
I've literally never had a single friend in my entire life. No acquaintances. Nobody to hang out with. Not even as a child. Nobody to talk to in school, or at all throughout my entire life. I have been alone forever and eventually just accepted it and gave up. Even if I didn't want to CTB anymore, I'd still want to be alone forever. I do not want friends.
Still every day I talk to my unloving, ultra-pessimistic mother and hot-headed narcissist of a father. It feels like torture but it's my only option; it's the only thing I know. Often after speaking to them I have to go to my room and cry. I have nobody who cares about me, but when I CTB, that's when I'll matter. They'll be heart broken when it happens and I'd rather they just move on and forget about me but that's not how it works unfortunately. I wish I could end it all without hurting anyone else.
My siblings never wanted anything to do with me growing up, but it's gotten better after growing up, it just took a really long time for them to mature a little. They always outcasted me, even sometimes pretending I didn't exist, like I was a literal ghost they couldn't see. That's just one very mild example of how they treated me. All 3 of my brothers are also autistic... and my parents too. We all have this same condition, but why do I have to be the one to go through all this shit? It's so unfair.
I don't know how to make friends; I don't even want any. I'm going to leave this earth with nobody who loves me and I don't even know what it feels like to connect with someone and know they are enjoying my company.
Even if I managed to make a friend, they would cut me off eventually, or I would do it first. I would just be so anxious that they wanted me to go away but didn't have the heart to say it, or that I was keeping them trapped in a pity-friendship. It would completely defeat the meaning of friendship to me. I would never be able to trust that anyone genuinely likes me or enjoys my company.
My only social interactions have consisted of an unloving family, being bullied relentlessly at school, and getting treated like entertainment, or a zoo animal, at work. My gait is odd, my posture is off, my voice is weird, I have a mild speech impediment,, and I can't express my thoughts into words and just sound like a complete idiot. I have intelligent, meaningful thoughts but can't speak them and it's all just word salad.
Nobody understands what I say, and they constantly misread me. I think and feel emotions just like everyone else does, but I can't express it. If only I could say what I actually mean and have people hear it the way it was intended, my life might have been so much better.
If only I were neurotypical... maybe I wouldn't be on this website. SN should be coming next week and I won't fail this time.
I've literally never had a single friend in my entire life. No acquaintances. Nobody to hang out with. Not even as a child. Nobody to talk to in school, or at all throughout my entire life. I have been alone forever and eventually just accepted it and gave up. Even if I didn't want to CTB anymore, I'd still want to be alone forever. I do not want friends.
Still every day I talk to my unloving, ultra-pessimistic mother and hot-headed narcissist of a father. It feels like torture but it's my only option; it's the only thing I know. Often after speaking to them I have to go to my room and cry. I have nobody who cares about me, but when I CTB, that's when I'll matter. They'll be heart broken when it happens and I'd rather they just move on and forget about me but that's not how it works unfortunately. I wish I could end it all without hurting anyone else.
My siblings never wanted anything to do with me growing up, but it's gotten better after growing up, it just took a really long time for them to mature a little. They always outcasted me, even sometimes pretending I didn't exist, like I was a literal ghost they couldn't see. That's just one very mild example of how they treated me. All 3 of my brothers are also autistic... and my parents too. We all have this same condition, but why do I have to be the one to go through all this shit? It's so unfair.
I don't know how to make friends; I don't even want any. I'm going to leave this earth with nobody who loves me and I don't even know what it feels like to connect with someone and know they are enjoying my company.
Even if I managed to make a friend, they would cut me off eventually, or I would do it first. I would just be so anxious that they wanted me to go away but didn't have the heart to say it, or that I was keeping them trapped in a pity-friendship. It would completely defeat the meaning of friendship to me. I would never be able to trust that anyone genuinely likes me or enjoys my company.
My only social interactions have consisted of an unloving family, being bullied relentlessly at school, and getting treated like entertainment, or a zoo animal, at work. My gait is odd, my posture is off, my voice is weird, I have a mild speech impediment,, and I can't express my thoughts into words and just sound like a complete idiot. I have intelligent, meaningful thoughts but can't speak them and it's all just word salad.
Nobody understands what I say, and they constantly misread me. I think and feel emotions just like everyone else does, but I can't express it. If only I could say what I actually mean and have people hear it the way it was intended, my life might have been so much better.
If only I were neurotypical... maybe I wouldn't be on this website. SN should be coming next week and I won't fail this time.
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