Venting Autism/Aspergers is probably the most fucked up mental disorder other than schizophrenia

[Terry A. Davis]

Aspergers is like knowing and understanding there is a party going on in a house. You can see all the people in there laughing and having fun but you're pressed up against the window in the freezing cold unable to join in. Sometimes people come up to the window to speak with you. You can hear them but when you speak back they mishear you and think you're saying something else.

I say its the most fucked up mental disorder because with the truly retarded/low functioning these people don't understand whats going on around them. They live inside their own heads and have 0 conception of the wider world. I see groups of them with handlers when I go swimming, they scream and thrash around in the pool out of sheer unadulterated happiness. They have no concerns about social image and fitting in.

With aspergers syndrome, you understand there is a large social game that is being played. You see it happening all around you every time you interact with the normal people but you can never quite get it right. The frustration is so unbearable which is why there is such a huge suicide rate amongst people with aspergers. The one thing that allows humans to be successful (understanding eachother and working in groups) is broken in these peoples brains (mine included).

Theres no fixing it. You are permanently like this and as you get older the gap between you and your peers will increase exponentially. It might be cute to misunderstand certain social rules when you're 14 or 15 but when you're 25 everyone around you will expect you to understand these unwritten rules. If you don't, you better be blatantly autistic looking. You better be a smelly autist wearing a cum stained Skyrim t shirt or sweatpants covered in trains.

If you present as normal, and can only be 'found out' through conversation then you should expect the once happy nice person to become gradually frustrated, angry and hostile towards you over time. It usually takes someone 2 months to become outright hostile with me out of sheer anger and frustration that I don't act normal. I don't know for sure, but my guess is that my aspergers is quite subtle and the weirdness is detected by their subconscious mind but they can't quite figure out what the problem is - hence the frustration and suspicion.

I've considered telling people I have it pretty early on so they know the reason why they suddenly want to kill me even though I haven't done anything wrong. But I've done it before and these people begin treating me like I have the mind of a child - speaking slowly and almost mocking my intellect. I don't want to have to deal with that shit.

There isn't any other mental disorder like it. Schizophrenia is the only disorder I would say beats autism in severity because your entire reality regularly crumbles around you.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Perhaps we're the "normal" ones, and all the people that are willingly participating in this stupid game of social fakeness, manipulation and conformity are the psychotic ones.

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

Aspergers is like knowing and understanding there is a party going on in a house. You can see all the people in there laughing and having fun but you're pressed up against the window in the freezing cold unable to join in. Sometimes people come up to the window to speak with you. You can hear them but when you speak back they mishear you and think you're saying something else.

I say its the most fucked up mental disorder because with the truly retarded/low functioning these people don't understand whats going on around them. They live inside their own heads and have 0 conception of the wider world. I see groups of them with handlers when I go swimming, they scream and thrash around in the pool out of sheer unadulterated happiness. They have no concerns about social image and fitting in.

With aspergers syndrome, you understand there is a large social game that is being played. You see it happening all around you every time you interact with the normal people but you can never quite get it right. The frustration is so unbearable which is why there is such a huge suicide rate amongst people with aspergers. The one thing that allows humans to be successful (understanding eachother and working in groups) is broken in these peoples brains (mine included).

Theres no fixing it. You are permanently like this and as you get older the gap between you and your peers will increase exponentially. It might be cute to misunderstand certain social rules when you're 14 or 15 but when you're 25 everyone around you will expect you to understand these unwritten rules. If you don't, you better be blatantly autistic looking. You better be a smelly autist wearing a cum stained Skyrim t shirt or sweatpants covered in trains.

If you present as normal, and can only be 'found out' through conversation then you should expect the once happy nice person to become gradually frustrated, angry and hostile towards you over time. It usually takes someone 2 months to become outright hostile with me out of sheer anger and frustration that I don't act normal. I don't know for sure, but my guess is that my aspergers is quite subtle and the weirdness is detected by their subconscious mind but they can't quite figure out what the problem is - hence the frustration and suspicion.

I've considered telling people I have it pretty early on so they know the reason why they suddenly want to kill me even though I haven't done anything wrong. But I've done it before and these people begin treating me like I have the mind of a child - speaking slowly and almost mocking my intellect. I don't want to have to deal with that shit.

There isn't any other mental disorder like it. Schizophrenia is the only disorder I would say beats autism in severity because your entire reality regularly crumbles around you.

What a great and somehow beautifil (and sad) description of how this disorder is. I could easily imagine it and it really feels like hell. Im so sorry for you. Hope you find peace soon.

 

[Shar]

I have moderate autism. Constant social belittling made me completely give up interacting with others. I've been isolated for so long that I don't know how to connect with people anymore. When I talk to them, it's as if I'm talking to beings completely different from me.

The only good part about my autism is that on the other hand I have a much greater tolerance for loneliness, compared to other people. I can focus more on my hobbies and my imagination. Most people would have killed themselves or gone crazy if they were exposed to my level of isolation.

If I just had enough money, I wouldn't mind being isolated with zero social contact for the rest of my life.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I have moderate autism. Constant social belittling made me completely give up interacting with others. I've been isolated for so long that I don't know how to connect with people anymore. When I talk to them, it's as if I'm talking to beings completely different from me.

The only good part about my autism is that on the other hand I have a much greater tolerance for loneliness, compared to other people. I can focus more on my hobbies and my imagination. Most people would have killed themselves or gone crazy if they were exposed to my level of isolation.

If I just had enough money, I wouldn't mind being isolated with zero social contact for the rest of my life.

Took the words out of my mouth, I feel the same way. Everyone questions why I'm so adamant about wanting to live alone and why I prefer to do activities alone, it's because other people constantly mock me and put me down when they're nearby. Being alone is simply a less stressful experience than being around others when you have autism with social difficulties.

 

[4g1vvvven]

Elevated autistic traits are significantly over-represented in those who die by suicide.

Terry Davis is a tragic case

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I hate when I am just trying to interact or get an information and ppl get pissed off that I am rude. Happens to this day.

 

[Dliena]

Agreed as well as Panic Disorder and prob PTSD.

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

I really liked your explanation. It's hard not understanding social ques in a world where understanding them is the key to success and your happiness/ sanity in general, especially when you are aware enough to know what is happening. People can be terrible when you don't fit the mold, especially when you are trying your best and yet still fall short of their expectations.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's sheer, pure, unadulterated hell. And we are all left burdened with constant musings of how life could have been.

 

[sosoft_sogentle]

Painful, particularly because I can sense and acknowledge social patterns, and can sense when I get them wrong. Yet, regardless I cannot do the right thing. No pattern analysis can help.

 

[TAW122]

I'm on the spectrum myself as well. I would confirm that it definitely does negatively impact not just general social life, but also just day to day activities and interaction with people in general. It is one of my reasons for wanting to CTB, but also even if I didn't have such a condition myself, I still find life to be burdensome and full of suffering. I suppose I'm one of the few people on the spectrum that also rails/goes against the grain on some of the autistic groups and organizations. In fact, I wrote a thread about my experiences as well and why I support the right to die for all.

 

[Terry A. Davis]

Perhaps we're the "normal" ones, and all the people that are willingly participating in this stupid game of social fakeness, manipulation and conformity are the psychotic ones.

If that's the case then the pendulum is very comfortably in the camp of evil lunacy. I still hold out hope that everyone else sees the same thing and the only difference between me and a 'normal' person is they are able to play pretend successfuly whereas I cannot. Not quite ready to accept the 'most humans are evil psychopaths' pill yet lol

What a great and somehow beautifil (and sad) description of how this disorder is. I could easily imagine it and it really feels like hell. Im so sorry for you. Hope you find peace soon.

Thank you for your kind words.

I have moderate autism. Constant social belittling made me completely give up interacting with others. I've been isolated for so long that I don't know how to connect with people anymore. When I talk to them, it's as if I'm talking to beings completely different from me.

Before I started to do stuff alone more, I was the butt of jokes constantly in group settings. Sometimes it was as though they were looking for things to joke about at my expense because they had exhausted all of the obvious ones. It's quite pathetic that some people can't just have a nice time without putting someone else down to raise themselves up socially.

It's a really strange aspect of normal socialisation that I've never understood. Surely if they were a cool or respectable person it would be obvious without having to put someone else down? You can usually tell when someone has gravitas and it doesn't come from belittling others. Slight rant but yeah lol

The only good part about my autism is that on the other hand I have a much greater tolerance for loneliness, compared to other people. I can focus more on my hobbies and my imagination. Most people would have killed themselves or gone crazy if they were exposed to my level of isolation.

If I just had enough money, I wouldn't mind being isolated with zero social contact for the rest of my life.

I feel similar though I have days where I get worried I'm going to grow old completely alone and the only other alternative is suicide. Not a very happy prospect lol. We all get bad days I suppose

 

[casual_existence]

I've slowly over time learned that it's probably more a superpower than a disability. You can spend more time by yourself. Maybe you still wouldn't mind someone else's company but you don't need it and yet there are plenty of people who need it and don't care where they end up. Also you're looking from the outside in. This is a huge advantage since you aren't wrapped up in the environment itself and can therefore look at it objectively and then, if you happen to fall into a similar situation, you can play around with the environment rather than the other way around.

This is of course exhausting since no matter what you're using energy. Certainly more than the average person.

Also it helps a lot if you are around people 'like' you. It's way easier because you're on the same page. You can act like a 'crazy' person and no one will judge you. And I think most people even those with Autism or Aspergers like to feel better than other people. I've kinda learned that most people aren't THAT different from each other. It's kinda like how a screwdriver has many uses. You can use it in a million ways but it's still just a screwdriver. If the handle breaks off well it's still a screwdriver and in the past this was effectively death but nowadays that's not so true anymore. It can be fixed if you really want to.

I'll admit that even though I have this mindset I still want to die. I am still human and don't find the world that satisfying. We're still far from the ideal and it's still pretty hard to use a screwdriver without a handle even though it could be fixed but it might not and goddamnit it's hard to use.

 

[amaluuk]

Autism on its own is hell enough. Autism + PTSD is just... Never. Never ever. Thanks, but no!

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I agree with all of this. Autism is hell to live with. I think that, if it wasn't for autism, I would probably enjoy life the way others do. As for now though, I get completely apathetic to most forms of entertainment and life seems like hell for me to go through due to being broken. I don't want to go through this life as I'd have to work extra hard to combat me being born disadvantaged and I don't really want to do that... I never did. Life simply was never meant for me and, instead of rather struggling and suffering endlessly to no avail, I better be dead so that I can be in peace. This world is for neurotypical people, not for people like me

I don't really have any talents or skills and I get tired so easily even when I do nothing. Life clearly isn't meant for me and I don't want to work hard to make it work for me. I'd rather just be dead

 

[letmeoutofthis]

I've got all of them and I completely ruined my life including my physical health, Im in constant pain

 

[thetruetato]

Aspergers is like knowing and understanding there is a party going on in a house. You can see all the people in there laughing and having fun but you're pressed up against the window in the freezing cold unable to join in. Sometimes people come up to the window to speak with you. You can hear them but when you speak back they mishear you and think you're saying something else.

I say its the most fucked up mental disorder because with the truly retarded/low functioning these people don't understand whats going on around them. They live inside their own heads and have 0 conception of the wider world. I see groups of them with handlers when I go swimming, they scream and thrash around in the pool out of sheer unadulterated happiness. They have no concerns about social image and fitting in.

With aspergers syndrome, you understand there is a large social game that is being played. You see it happening all around you every time you interact with the normal people but you can never quite get it right. The frustration is so unbearable which is why there is such a huge suicide rate amongst people with aspergers. The one thing that allows humans to be successful (understanding eachother and working in groups) is broken in these peoples brains (mine included).

Theres no fixing it. You are permanently like this and as you get older the gap between you and your peers will increase exponentially. It might be cute to misunderstand certain social rules when you're 14 or 15 but when you're 25 everyone around you will expect you to understand these unwritten rules. If you don't, you better be blatantly autistic looking. You better be a smelly autist wearing a cum stained Skyrim t shirt or sweatpants covered in trains.

If you present as normal, and can only be 'found out' through conversation then you should expect the once happy nice person to become gradually frustrated, angry and hostile towards you over time. It usually takes someone 2 months to become outright hostile with me out of sheer anger and frustration that I don't act normal. I don't know for sure, but my guess is that my aspergers is quite subtle and the weirdness is detected by their subconscious mind but they can't quite figure out what the problem is - hence the frustration and suspicion.

I've considered telling people I have it pretty early on so they know the reason why they suddenly want to kill me even though I haven't done anything wrong. But I've done it before and these people begin treating me like I have the mind of a child - speaking slowly and almost mocking my intellect. I don't want to have to deal with that shit.

There isn't any other mental disorder like it. Schizophrenia is the only disorder I would say beats autism in severity because your entire reality regularly crumbles around you.

I am also affected by autism and adhd, and it definitely feels like everyone else sees the world much differently, even though I can understand it. To a certain extent, I feel like my brain works like a computer. I can do math faster than most of the people I know, yet I can barely have a conversation without seeming weird. It's as if I'm missing some part of me that makes me an actual person and makes me feel like anything actually matters.

 

[IsThisEverything]

I also have autism and agree that it can be horrible to live with. I feel like an outsider in this world and can't relate to other people. The loneliness and lack of connection to others is one of the main reasons I want to die.

However, I don't think we should compare mental illnesses and make a judgement on which is the worst. All mental illnesses are awful to experience in different ways.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I am very thankful for this community and discussions of autism here. It is the largest contributing factor in my decision. I share so much of how people have described this cruel condition. I am a martian with a space suit on stuck in my helmet and the helmet is stuck. I miss my home planet. So many of us burn out and decide to die because it is a devastating non-existence. We just get exhausted out of decades of pain. I think it's fascinating when I got my diagnosis nothing was talked about around CTB - it might have helped me to know I wasn't alone in how I feel, but of course I was paying out of pocket and who cares - probably would have cost more.

Today I went to the vocational rehabilitation office and they were laughingly incompetent and they will be of no help. I am trying to decide how to do what I need to do to survive before my money runs out. I hope to find other autistics at the end, if that makes sense. I think about planning everything to happen when I'm traveling so I will see something new and beautiful as my last sight. I think about how scared and sad I will be at the end but know i need rest. Most days I am exhausted and burnt out and raw. Healing is all I want and death is the only way to heal now. There is no cure or treatment for autism. We are trapped in a world we can never improve. Schizophrenics have medication at least to true. There is nothing for us and don't know there ever will be. We are trapped, with one way out. at least we have that way.

 

[Codename_Joryu]

I don't know if I should even add anything else, you just described it perfectly.

 

[buyersremorse]

i've never read smth more relatable this is exactly how it feels it's hell and i can't take it anymore. thank you for writing it out idk it felt rlly calming to read since i could never describe this feeling in words as well as you did

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

This world is for neurotypical people, not for people like me

I don't really have any talents or skills and I get tired so easily even when I do nothing. Life clearly isn't meant for me and I don't want to work hard to make it work for me. I'd rather just be dead

This is how I feel. I can't keep the skills up and am starting to fail at taking care of myself. I don't want to work any more to make it all work. I am just exhausted all the time and permanently burnt out. Autism has destroyed my life. Autism has destroyed my future.

I had a fight earlier today and my ex - who has BPD, who is abusive - messaged me calling me 'an unhinged aggressor' and a black hole of hurt and need. I was asking him to speak respectfully to me, and he ended by saying 'you are not actually the nice person you think you are'. I feel run over and broken. I tried so hard to communicate my needs, and be kind in how I was saying everything. Every time I try to make life work, it ends up destroying me.

I wish I had a few friends. I have nobody now.

 

[offtoseethewizard]

I don't know, psychotic depression has its moments as well

 

[mortuarymary]

I don't know, psychotic depression has its moments as well

I agree. What I have x

 

[dragonofenvy]

I was only ever able to manage relationships with people on discord because that way there was a lot less of the social cue and other crap to deal with. I still feel really shitty when I see people able to converse for long periods and laugh and smile and I think "man, I wish I could do that." They always tell you that you just have to try a little harder than everyone else, but don't realize that people don't want to go through the effort to deal with someone who is a little off or weird or whatever yet tell you to just keep trying anyways.

Not to mention the fact that you're just ostracised and unaccepted and set up for failure. Failure in relationships, failure in careers, failure in almost everything. It's pretty common knowledge that most autistic people don't have many friends, if any, but I recently found out that we are largely unemployed too, and earn less. Guess we just have to try a little harder than everyone else again huh? Here's a link to one source. What exactly are we supposed to do? Why do we have to put in so much more effort for so much less?

 

[sserafim]

It really is. I have Asperger's and it's basically a living hell for me. I like to say that I'm playing life on hard mode because social interaction is difficult for me and that's all of what life is built on. Socializing is an inescapable part of life (you'll have to do it everywhere, at school and work), and I just happen to suck at it. I'm okay interacting with people online but I'm not great at in-person communication, especially body language and social cues. It just doesn't come naturally to me. I've grown better at it over time, but still I'm kind of mad that I wasn't born with the guidebook to these unwritten rules. Even with my friends I was just masking and trying my best to respond appropriately to the situation.

I look normal on the surface but then once I interact with other people, I come across as weird to them, something about me just ticks them the wrong way. I think they kind of know that something's wrong with me but can't quite pinpoint what it is. They expect me to know certain things (like how to interact properly with them) but sometimes I make some social faux pas and they get annoyed and frustrated at me. Maybe some think that I'm just socially awkward. I've gotten "quiet", "reserved", and "mysterious" a lot. The strangest I've gotten was "intimidating" and "unapproachable". I wish that I didn't have to interact with people or participate in society. I wish that I could just escape people and be alone, far away from them. Honestly I feel like an AI or alien in a human body. The sad thing is that I have no special talents, I'm not like the savants who are great at one particular thing. I don't even know what I'm good at.