Autism and permanent isolation

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I was diagnosed autistic in the early 90s and with a severe learning disability later on in life, and something that has always been part of me is a sense of deeply rooted otherness, loneliness and emotional isolation. The eternal sense of being behind plexiglass.

I have had close relationships with friends and family for years now. I'm accommodated at work and I have an active social life. Yet the sense of isolation remains like an intractable personality trait. It's something I think you're born with and it has nothing to do with society or what the people around you are doing or not doing. Everyone's quick fix is to just say that, if only people were more accepting, this wouldn't happen. And I know they're well-meaning but damnit, they don't get it.

Does anyone else experience this?

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

inwas diagnosed with aspergers at a young age and i understand how you feel. it feels like I'll ne er be able to relate to anyone around me or truly make any real friends

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

inwas diagnosed with aspergers at a young age and i understand how you feel. it feels like I'll ne er be able to relate to anyone around me or truly make any real friends

You can never truly be loved by anyone because they can never truly know you.

 

[Pluto]

 

[X-sanguinate86]

That's horrible and real but I feel like some people use autism or other neurodivergent diagnoses as a way to wash away their culpability in being shitty parents. Just because their children are neurodivergent doesn't mean they have nothing to do with that person feeling bad.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

My mood right now. I played this song when I was 20, on evenings when I was stuck with my sugar daddy. Convinced I would never be useful in any other fashion and that I was destined to fade out of sight like the very end of this song.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

sense of deeply rooted otherness, loneliness and emotional isolation. The eternal sense of being behind plexiglass.

That's just a refrain sung by countless autistic people. Membership to the broader autistic community does not do all that much to alleviate it.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Idk, I'm not autistic, but as a friend of someone who is, that's what our interactions feel like. Like he's behind plexiglass. That being said, I hope that's not how he feels he's experiencing things. He's a pretty happy and positive person, so if it is, he doesn't seem to let it get to him.

 

[SASU-KE]

Yeah, I get it. I spent a lot of my life wishing I wasn't this way. But I just AM and it can't be changed. It's the way I'm built. I have good family and friends but I just still feel alone.I've just accepted it and now I have built my life around it.

 

[Macedonian1987]

inwas diagnosed with aspergers at a young age and i understand how you feel. it feels like I'll ne er be able to relate to anyone around me or truly make any real friends

I was diagnosed with asperger's too and because of it I always felt like I didnt belong in this world, even when i was a small kid. I never had a true friend nor a relationship. I spent my life all alone with uncomforting and cold parents on top of all that.

 

[thelostautistic]

Yes. It doesn't matter who I'm with or what I'm doing I feel like an outsider all the time. I just feel incompatible with this world and it's so lonely.

 

[avalon_]

Yes, in my old church group they tried really hard to make feel welcome and treat me like a normal person, but I always felt like an outsider regardless. Lack of faith wasn't the only reason I stopped showing up.

It took me a few years to begin to apprecuate how much effort they put into this. It makes me cringe in hindsight.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

inwas diagnosed with aspergers at a young age and i understand how you feel. it feels like I'll ne er be able to relate to anyone around me or truly make any real friends

It's possible, but the first step is finding people that accept your experience as YOU see it, and not pull toxic positivity on you.

That's horrible and real but I feel like some people use autism or other neurodivergent diagnoses as a way to wash away their culpability in being shitty parents. Just because their children are neurodivergent doesn't mean they have nothing to do with that person feeling bad.

It's definitely a matter of discernment and, imo, not something you can truly know until you're older and have achieved some social success. It should never be your first conclusion that you're alien and not at least try to unlearn false beliefs and make genuine connections.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

yes i feel this way as well

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

Idk, I'm not autistic, but as a friend of someone who is, that's what our interactions feel like. Like he's behind plexiglass. That being said, I hope that's not how he feels he's experiencing things. He's a pretty happy and positive person, so if it is, he doesn't seem to let it get to him.

It's one of those things that autistic folks tend to keep secret. We often can't even identify the feeling or develop the vocabulary around it until later. So he may not know yet.

Yeah, I get it. I spent a lot of my life wishing I wasn't this way. But I just AM and it can't be changed. It's the way I'm built. I have good family and friends but I just still feel alone.I've just accepted it and now I have built my life around it.

I personally cope with it by delving into paranormal and spiritual subjects. If I can't belong here, maybe I will there. I used to believe I was a changeling.

Yes. It doesn't matter who I'm with or what I'm doing I feel like an outsider all the time. I just feel incompatible with this world and it's so lonely.

My inbox is open, to you and to all who happen upon this thread.

Yes, in my old church group they tried really hard to make feel welcome and treat me like a normal person, but I always felt like an outsider regardless. Lack of faith wasn't the only reason I stopped showing up.

It took me a few years to begin to apprecuate how much effort they put into this. It makes me cringe in hindsight.

I feel sooooooo much embarrassment at how I used to present and how other people reacted to me. Feeling sorry for me, embarrassed by me, creeped out in some cases, etc.

 

[itsgone2]

Yes. It doesn't matter who I'm with or what I'm doing I feel like an outsider all the time. I just feel incompatible with this world and it's so lonely.

Agree with this so much. I feel like I'm just not the same, like I'm some different thing that shouldn't be there. I hate it so much

 

[InTheAbyss]

I was diagnosed with asperger's later in life. My life has always been a lonely one even when other people were around. I never felt like I belonged in this world. Sometimes it was almost like I was an alien. Getting diagnosed gave me a reason why I felt that way and these things happened. But it also gave me more despair. Because even with that new info. No one helped me. In fact some people started telling me that now I knew why I was having issues socially. That I could use it to just act normally from now on and I wouldn't have any more problems.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I often compare the loneliness of autism to the open fifth chord that you often see in Gregorian chant. The emptiness cannot be filled without altering the chord. The emptiness is an integral part of what that chord is, and it has nothing to do with the music it is found in.

 

[Spite]

That's pretty much how I feel all the time. Being autistic has made me so isolated from the world and... really, I am socially impaired. It is near-impossible for me to socialise with others, and socialising is a core pillar of the human experience. Without the ability to socialise, I am left feeling so distant, isolated, and alien in this world. Whenever people talk to me, I freeze up, I never know what to say, I stutter and stumble and I can't even look at them in the eyes. Almost all of my social interactions feel painful and forced.

That sense of lifelong, permanent isolation is real. I don't know if it's something that can be treated. It's just... a trait that is seemingly inherent in people like us. It sucks.

 

[TAW122]

I was diagnosed when I was young and while I had trouble learning (and probably still struggle more than the average person at many things, taking longer to be just as proficient, such as if someone took 1-3 tries, it might take me closer to 3+ tries just to be on par with them), I do still get by but life still sucks. While I have many other (personal) factors that contribute towards my eventual CTB, I would say this is also a factor as well; not that if I had an active social life (let alone romantic one) that it would fix everything - it still wouldn't.