drag201
Member
- Oct 15, 2023
- 86
Dysphoria is a cruel illness. I feel really alienated all the time. At this moment I'm early into medical transition (gender therapy phase) and it's a long wait for appointments let alone everything else.
I feel a deep sense of self hatred in regards to being transgender, as much as I try I can't bring myself to accept that this is my life forever. I keep seeing it as this frankestein procedure where I'll be injecting myself with synthetic hormones and moving around my body parts to imitate a certain physiology. I use some tough words when talking about my experience but it's what I feel and I can't project it anywhere else.
Being trans is my cause for wanting to die. If i go through with all of this I know I'll still want to die just a little less and with the occasional acknowledgement that my whole body is some sort of experiment and I'm cripplingly mentally disabled. I cant tell this to the gender therapists or they'll think im doubting my choices when I'm not. I know what I want but I'm just so revolted it had to be this way. Why couldn't I be born the way I was meant to? What if I was born in some sort of 3rd world country where this sort of therapy was nowhere near accessible? I think about my privilege often too and how I'm taking it for granted.
I have supportive loved ones but their support means nothing to me when I hate myself so deeply and my already existing mental disorders combined with gender dysphoria combine into a completely dissasociated sense of self.
When I think about completing my transition I feel slightly better but it's shortlived when I remember the adjective trans before my other traits. I wish I could spontaneously die because if I CTB i'll regret not opening up.
I also keep thinking whether there's some justification like the age my mother had me and hormone levels in utero i just need to find an answer to this illness. But everybody is so pragmatic about it.
I feel a deep sense of self hatred in regards to being transgender, as much as I try I can't bring myself to accept that this is my life forever. I keep seeing it as this frankestein procedure where I'll be injecting myself with synthetic hormones and moving around my body parts to imitate a certain physiology. I use some tough words when talking about my experience but it's what I feel and I can't project it anywhere else.
Being trans is my cause for wanting to die. If i go through with all of this I know I'll still want to die just a little less and with the occasional acknowledgement that my whole body is some sort of experiment and I'm cripplingly mentally disabled. I cant tell this to the gender therapists or they'll think im doubting my choices when I'm not. I know what I want but I'm just so revolted it had to be this way. Why couldn't I be born the way I was meant to? What if I was born in some sort of 3rd world country where this sort of therapy was nowhere near accessible? I think about my privilege often too and how I'm taking it for granted.
I have supportive loved ones but their support means nothing to me when I hate myself so deeply and my already existing mental disorders combined with gender dysphoria combine into a completely dissasociated sense of self.
When I think about completing my transition I feel slightly better but it's shortlived when I remember the adjective trans before my other traits. I wish I could spontaneously die because if I CTB i'll regret not opening up.
I also keep thinking whether there's some justification like the age my mother had me and hormone levels in utero i just need to find an answer to this illness. But everybody is so pragmatic about it.
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