Venting Crippling Gender dysphoria

[drag201]

Dysphoria is a cruel illness. I feel really alienated all the time. At this moment I'm early into medical transition (gender therapy phase) and it's a long wait for appointments let alone everything else.
I feel a deep sense of self hatred in regards to being transgender, as much as I try I can't bring myself to accept that this is my life forever. I keep seeing it as this frankestein procedure where I'll be injecting myself with synthetic hormones and moving around my body parts to imitate a certain physiology. I use some tough words when talking about my experience but it's what I feel and I can't project it anywhere else.
Being trans is my cause for wanting to die. If i go through with all of this I know I'll still want to die just a little less and with the occasional acknowledgement that my whole body is some sort of experiment and I'm cripplingly mentally disabled. I cant tell this to the gender therapists or they'll think im doubting my choices when I'm not. I know what I want but I'm just so revolted it had to be this way. Why couldn't I be born the way I was meant to? What if I was born in some sort of 3rd world country where this sort of therapy was nowhere near accessible? I think about my privilege often too and how I'm taking it for granted.
I have supportive loved ones but their support means nothing to me when I hate myself so deeply and my already existing mental disorders combined with gender dysphoria combine into a completely dissasociated sense of self.
When I think about completing my transition I feel slightly better but it's shortlived when I remember the adjective trans before my other traits. I wish I could spontaneously die because if I CTB i'll regret not opening up.
I also keep thinking whether there's some justification like the age my mother had me and hormone levels in utero i just need to find an answer to this illness. But everybody is so pragmatic about it.

 

[Audrey.2025]

As an ND transwoman who is perhaps as depressed and dysphoric as you, I can assure you there is no way to feel like a woman with full authenticity. There will always be a sense of fakeness. Some trans folks can live with it, a few cannot. Only way to be 100% woman is to kill yourself and hope there is an afterlife and to hope you win the gender lottery there - full disclosure, I don't believe in that. So CTB is just that, eternal nothingness, but an escape from the wrong gender. To answer your questions honestly:

Why couldn't I be born the way I was meant to?
Because fate is random. You could have been born Kate Winslet, but you did not. Same with me. Let's mourn together.

What if I was born in some sort of 3rd world country where this sort of therapy was nowhere near accessible?
That's a strange opinion for the '3rd world', I don't know any country where oestrogen/testosteron are not readily accessible to cis people if they need it medically. It is stigma, and purely stigma, that blocks access. And in some cases, first world or middle income countries are no better.

But then I see quite a few transwomen around me who seem reasonably happy and comfortable, despite being obviously clocky. That tells me happiness is not impossible.

 

[Anxious Kitty]

I see quite a few transwomen around me who seem reasonably happy and comfortable, despite being obviously clocky. That tells me happiness is not impossible.

There's definitely an "oblivious" type of trans people. It's great that they can be happy. But not all of us are this way.