At what age did you want to CTB for the first time? What happened to you?

[LostFuture.]

I'm sorry things are this bad for you

Thanks for your kind words.

I don't think I'd be on this site if there was some hope for a better future, I mean if there was some light at the end of the tunnel if we got through the rough times. Instead, people just expect us to live and yet endure increasing levels of misery.

Many people are on the same eventual trajectory, they just don't realise/feel it yet

 

[Costrecce]

I'm so sorry….

Can I ask how old you are?

23, almost 24

 

[venin]

Thanks for your kind words.

I don't think I'd be on this site if there was some hope for a better future, I mean if there was some light at the end of the tunnel if we got through the rough times. Instead, people just expect us to live and yet endure increasing levels of misery.

Many people are on the same eventual trajectory, they just don't realise/feel it yet

That's a very good observation. Haven't thought of that till now. Thank you.

No problem

Are you sure it's all lost? I'm not questioning your decision. I'm just asking as an SS buddy

23, almost 24

It's been a while…

 

[LostFuture.]

That's a very good observation. Haven't thought of that till now. Thank you.

No problem

Are you sure it's all lost? I'm not questioning your decision. I'm just asking as an SS buddy

as a percentage, its probably in the mid 90's. My Mum has been disabled for two years and ive been doing lots of heavy lifting for my family, taking care of her as they indulge in their temporary "successes,". Yet I can't go anywhere, or do anything. I feel trapped. But at the same time, I don't want to do anything that would further hurt my mum as I only wish her the best :(

 

[venin]

as a percentage, its probably in the mid 90's. My Mum has been disabled for two years and ive been doing lots of heavy lifting for my family, taking care of her as they indulge in their temporary "successes,". Yet I can't go anywhere, or do anything. I feel trapped. But at the same time, I don't want to do anything that would further hurt my mum as I only wish her the best :(

That's really kind of you if you ever want support, we've made a thread in the recovery section. You're welcome anytime even if you still plan on Ctb-ing

 

[MrSpaghetti]

Believe it or not my first attempt was at 7, I dont really know why I wanted to do it. it might have had something to do with feeling unwanted by my mother and having an absence father. My plan was to slit my throat, my grandfather walked in on my as I was putting it up to my neck. Looking back I dont know what I was thinking (I guess I wasn't) i had just seen it in movies and on tv so I must have thought it was the fastest way to die.

 

[venin]

When I was 9 I believe. I thought or at least hoped that I could be reborn as my dream character.

That's sweet af and also sad af at the same time

Believe it or not my first attempt was at 7, I dont really know why I wanted to do it. it might have had something to do with feeling unwanted by my mother and having an absence father. My plan was to slit my throat, my grandfather walked in on my as I was putting it up to my neck. Looking back I dont know what I was thinking (I guess I wasn't) i had just seen it in movies and on tv so I must have thought it was the fastest way to die.

I'm so sorry… that's so incredibly sad

 

[WaffleWoman]

Around 14 ish. Lost all my friends when going into middle school started getting bullied because im on the bigger side and a nerd etc things in general life wise just started to go down hasnt gotten better since only worse

 

[_Alfarooq_]

I was like 12 or so idk I was going in grade 6 and since grade 5 I had been feeling so sad and anxious all the time I thought it was just because I like couldn't do any kid stuff from elementary anymore. Long and short of it was in grade 6 I realized I was suicidal. Well I realize now bechase I would always joke to my friends about wanting to ctb because I was so depressed all the time but looking back I was just coping I really was depressed.

I wanted to CTB for the first time when I was 16 in September 2021 as I was suffering from great jealousy and depression for the fact that people were always getting what they want, and I failed my English GCSE, and all these people in my area are being able to go to a college campus and make friends along the way and I was suffering at home, yelled at by my stupid narcissistic family. Now here comes the weird/interesting part: Since I loved airports so much, my method of CTB was to run away, go to Manchester Airport and spend the rest of my life planespotting until I eventually starve myself to death and die as a happy man (from the pleasure of watching planes).

 

[venin]

Around 14 ish. Lost all my friends when going into middle school started getting bullied because im on the bigger side and a nerd etc things in general life wise just started to go down hasnt gotten better since only worse

human children can be so fucking wicked man

 

[g&hexmhn]

Okay, I know the reasoning is dumb, but I think I was around 9? or at least turning 9 cause I remember wanting to ctb before my 9th birthday. I'm not 100% sure why, but I became depressed due to recently moving schools. Before I was an extroverted kid who got along with every kid in my class, if not my entire school. Not even on the first day of my new school, I was a socially awkward mess with no friends and no confidence. I soon developed anxiety, depression, and when I was 10, a self-harm addiction and an eating disorder. I'm still not sure why I spent the rest of my years of being a kid wanting to ctb, especially cause I wasn't being bullied or anything (not yet at least).

 

[caraphernelia]

I think around 11/12, I was struggling a lot at home since my dad was abusive and my friend group at the time was very toxic and would somewhat encourage me to CTB. I don't know if they intended to do that since we were young but it stuck with me. When I got into high school things only got worse, I met someone who introduced me to SH and i've been doing it ever since. This was also around the time i started to really hate myself and I began to seriously consider CTB.

 

[heavyeyes]

I was 14/15 and it was a few months after my mom died suddenly. I was also being bullied relentlessly at school so that didn't help

 

[WaffleWoman]

human children can be so fucking wicked man

they have no concept of the things they do and say thats all

 

[didntmeantohauntyou]

14 is when i vividly remember my first thoughts about being sick of being me and wanted to go. I remember it well it was in the middle of 8th grade math. Math kills.

 

[35alcoholics]

I'll start

I wanted to CTB for the first time when I was 25. The reason is I grew up in a narcisstic family and eventually the abuse got to me. Coupled with the fact that I didn't know who I was, didn't know my needs and obviously neglecting them, I obviously broke at some point. It was just a matter of time.
(Back then I didn't know all those things. I was still chained by their manipulation, gaslighting etc.)

How about you? I would love to hear your story

Around 9-10 don't really remember, tried to hang myself with the rope my mom's robe haha
Most recent was Thursday last week, took 30-40 Benadryl and drank some alcohol you could imagine how that went

 

[true-ending]

i was, like, 11-ish lmao. i had no friends and craved companionship really desperately but eventually that faded out and i just started wanting to die! i think i drafted a suicide note at like. late 11 or 12, too. the first time i thought i might be depressed was when i was 8

 

[_Alfarooq_]

I think around 11/12, I was struggling a lot at home since my dad was abusive and my friend group at the time was very toxic and would somewhat encourage me to CTB. I don't know if they intended to do that since we were young but it stuck with me. When I got into high school things only got worse, I met someone who introduced me to SH and i've been doing it ever since. This was also around the time i started to really hate myself and I began to seriously consider CTB.

Are u still self harming?

 

[Boudika]

7. I was heavy bullied in class bc of my appearance (they beat me up and humiliated me) and a few months earlier I was molested by a nurse at the hospital. So yeah, it fucked up my little brain a little.

 

[venin]

I wanted to CTB for the first time when I was 16 in September 2021 as I was suffering from great jealousy and depression for the fact that people were always getting what they want, and I failed my English GCSE, and all these people in my area are being able to go to a college campus and make friends along the way and I was suffering at home, yelled at by my stupid narcissistic family. Now here comes the weird/interesting part: Since I loved airports so much, my method of CTB was to run away, go to Manchester Airport and spend the rest of my life planespotting until I eventually starve myself to death and die as a happy man (from the pleasure of watching planes).

The jealousy is pure torture for me also. It's not that I wanted bad things for them, you know? Like good for them, but why are things so unfair? Why some seem to have everything while others struggle just to make it another day

Shitshitshit

Okay, I know the reasoning is dumb, but I think I was around 9? or at least turning 9 cause I remember wanting to ctb before my 9th birthday. I'm not 100% sure why, but I became depressed due to recently moving schools. Before I was an extroverted kid who got along with every kid in my class, if not my entire school. Not even on the first day of my new school, I was a socially awkward mess with no friends and no confidence. I soon developed anxiety, depression, and when I was 10, a self-harm addiction and an eating disorder. I'm still not sure why I spent the rest of my years of being a kid wanting to ctb, especially cause I wasn't being bullied or anything (not yet at least).

Fucking life man… sorry to hear it was so early for you

I was 14/15 and it was a few months after my mom died suddenly. I was also being bullied relentlessly at school so that didn't help

I'm really sorry

they have no concept of the things they do and say thats all

That's true, however I don't think it's true in all cases. Idk what's your experience but I've reall seen some mean kids out there.
The fact that that is an effect of trauma, or family circumstance is another complex conversation.

 

[caraphernelia]

Are u still self harming?

Yeah I am, I relapsed like a month ago after being clean for close to 200 days

 

[venin]

Yeah I am, I relapsed like a month ago after being clean for close to 200 days

Is it that addictive? How did you start, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Leeroy14R]

He was that bad that you wanted to kill him!? Wow.. I can't believe the society allows people like this to have kids. If my children wanted to kill me then i would feel terrible about it.

I failed, and repeated four grades... so I don't know.

 

[caraphernelia]

Is it that addictive? How did you start, if you don't mind me asking?

yeah it is, i can go fairly long without relapsing but the thought is always there and eventually it gets too strong to ignore it. I started when I was around 13 i think, one of my friends at school had introduced me to sh (i don't exactly remember how i was told about it) and it started from there. I was only doing small cuts around that time, like cat scratches, but over the years i started going deeper and doing more cuts. I wish that friend never told me about self harm but I feel like I can't really blame them because either way I would have found out about it sooner or later.

 

[venin]

I guess around 12-13, right as I was finishing elementary and everyone suddenly thought it wasn't cool to hang out with the poor kid anymore

I also struggled with a semi-poverty. Money was so important even while I was a kid, not just for having your needs met, but also to other kids. I don't even wanna talk about teens

 

[Anon7b8]

Oh that. Around 8 when it started. When my uncle shot himself. First time i understood what killing yourself really means... Started out as having "the world would be a better place" or "everyone would be happy if i was gone" to, "i wish someone would be almost run over so that i could push him/her away and the car would hit me instead". And now just "please let it end, I'm tired"

 

[venin]

Oh that. Around 8 when it started. When my uncle shot himself. First time i understood what killing yourself really means... Started out as having "the world would be a better place" or "everyone would be happy if i was gone" to, "i wish someone would be almost run over so that i could push him/her away and the car would hit me instead". And now just "please let it end, I'm tired"

Fuck life.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

It all started in highschool. It was ninth grade. I'm not sure how old I was. I was walking and I got late for class. When I was about to walk in my teacher came and stopped me and asked me why I was late. I told him I hate to poop. He said he didn't care and to come to class no matter what, did I understand? So I was in shock.

The next time I was running to class and I accidentally bumped into a girl. She got so mad and said she was gonna beat my ass. I was traumatized and couldn't focus on what my friend was saying. The next day I brought her some chocolates.

Then highschool years brought me stress with people yelling at me and being bullied until at one point I had it. At night after I graduated I decided to walk barefoot all the way to a pool of water far away near a hotel and drown there. I was apprehended by the cops and brought home. Then I just became increasingly broken and kept trying to kill myself with a knife but it never worked. I thought it'd be easy but it wasn't.

Years pass and I try to kill myself increasingly and it never works. At one point I actually give myself temporary brain damage and I need doctors to take care of me. A year has passed since then and I live with the after effects. This is an extremely, extremely condensed version of my story. I think what also broke me was how I went through abuse from my father and mother.

 

[venin]

It all started in highschool. It was ninth grade. I'm not sure how old I was. I was walking and I got late for class. When I was about to walk in my teacher came and stopped me and asked me why I was late. I told him I hate to poop. He said he didn't care and to come to class no matter what, did I understand? So I was in shock.

The next time I was running to class and I accidentally bumped into a girl. She got so mad and said she was gonna beat my ass. I was traumatized and couldn't focus on what my friend was saying. The next day I brought her some chocolates.

Then highschool years brought me stress with people yelling at me and being bullied until at one point I had it. At night after I graduated I decided to walk barefoot all the way to a pool of water far away near a hotel and drown there. I was apprehended by the cops and brought home. Then I just became increasingly broken and kept trying to kill myself with a knife but it never worked. I thought it'd be easy but it wasn't.

Years pass and I try to kill myself increasingly and it never works. At one point I actually give myself temporary brain damage and I need doctors to take care of me. A year has passed since then and I live with the after effects. This is an extremely, extremely condensed version of my story. I think what also broke me was how I went through abuse from my father and mother.

I'm sorry you had this faith

Hope it gest better, one way or the other

 

[Alessa_Silent_Doll]

Upon the day of my birth...Nah!


Tbh, is hard to remember a specific moment or time back then, I would say when I was around 14 or 15 years old, tho. I had been dealing with a obscure depression due the child abuse I experienced during my childhood, undiagnosed autism (got my first diagnose on my early 30s) and untreated as ADD (a.k.a. ADHD), stigmatized by my "wrongdoing behaviors" and "manners" (for being gay), surgeries and treatment due hearing loss. idk, I grew tired af, still nowadays do tho.

I am just waiting to pass away any second for whatever reason.