At what age did you want to CTB for the first time? What happened to you?

[theRetroHawk]

I was like 12 or so idk I was going in grade 6 and since grade 5 I had been feeling so sad and anxious all the time I thought it was just because I like couldn't do any kid stuff from elementary anymore. Long and short of it was in grade 6 I realized I was suicidal. Well I realize now bechase I would always joke to my friends about wanting to ctb because I was so depressed all the time but looking back I was just coping I really was depressed.

 

[venin]

I was like 12 or so idk I was going in grade 6 and since grade 5 I had been feeling so sad and anxious all the time I thought it was just because I like couldn't do any kid stuff from elementary anymore. Long and short of it was in grade 6 I realized I was suicidal. Well I realize now bechase I would always joke to my friends about wanting to ctb because I was so depressed all the time but looking back I was just coping I really was depressed.

I'm really sorry it went that way for you.

It's so fucking sad to be suicidal that early… like fucking shit man… and when you think there are people out there that had it so fucking good…

What did we do to deserve this hell we were born into?

F.k this shit

 

[theRetroHawk]

I'm really sorry it went that way for you.

It's so fucking sad to be suicidal that early… like fucking shit man… and when you think there are people out there that had it so fucking good…

What did we do to deserve this hell we were born into?

F.k this shit

Thank you so much! And yes I agree whole heartedly I don't understand why we are cursed like this. Hell I wouldn't even necessarily say my life was that bad or anything I literally just got depressed and that was it this is how I was born to feel this way and that's my cards and I want out of this dumbass game

 

[venin]

Thank you so much! And yes I agree whole heartedly I don't understand why we are cursed like this. Hell I wouldn't even necessarily say my life was that bad or anything I literally just got depressed and that was it this is how I was born to feel this way and that's my cards and I want out of this dumbass game

I completely understand. This is just pointless

 

[numbed one]

2018 i had thé first Idea , and at 2020 ib felt a hugé depression and emptiness that leaded me to wanting to ctb

 

[venin]

2018 i had thé first Idea , and at 2020 ib felt a hugé depression and emptiness that leaded me to wanting to ctb

Did you identify a cause?

 

[Notbadenough]

I was 6 or 7 yo i don't remember, the thing is...my family is not the best one, full of drug addicts and alcoholics, both of my uncles tried to CTB by cutting their arms open, failed miserably, and one day i just felt like i couldn't do it anymore and "tried" to cut myself with a knife, went wrong, they found out and made me go to the pediatrician and psychologist.

 

[Unknown21]

Since my early childhood, childhood abuse, poverty.

 

[venin]

Since my early childhood, childhood abuse, poverty.

Sorry to hear that. Even though I didn't wanna CTB then, I suffered severe neglect, abuse and poverty. Poverty not like in the lowest of lows but still poverty. My needs were rarely met and my wants were not even allowed to exist.

 

[deadtrace]

I was 12. Now I'm in my mid 20s and still here somehow, doesn't feel good.

Back then I would research methods for most evenings after school until I fell asleep. Never tried anything because of how little freedom I had.

At the time the reasons I had in my head were pretty dumb, but looking back there was horrific shit going on I couldn't comprehend so that was probably filling in those gaps.

 

[venin]

I was 12. Now I'm in my mid 20s and still here somehow, doesn't feel good.

Back then I would research methods for most evenings after school until I fell asleep. Never tried anything because of how little freedom I had.

At the time the reasons I had in my head were pretty dumb, but looking back there was horrific shit going on I couldn't comprehend so that was probably filling in those gaps.

I really know what it's like to go to sleep while researching for CTB methods cause only that would give you an ounce of relief.
Sorry that happened…

 

[ringo99]

I'd been depressed since my teens but I realized I had to ctb at 27. Confiding in someone close to me turned out to be a colossal mistake. Add to that I have a condition where I can't learn new skills without monumental effort.

 

[venin]

I'd been depressed since my teens but I realized I had to ctb at 27. Confiding in someone close to me turned out to be a colossal mistake. Add to that I have a condition where I can't learn new skills without monumental effort.

Sorry that happened. I recently did that with someone and got burnt really bad & I didn't give much credit to people to begin with. You can imagine how willing to trust someone I am now

 

[revolutionnaire23]

13. I was really young and I just...didn't feel good ever. I was unhappy. My thoughts were overwhelming. I wanted a way out.

 

[_Alfarooq_]

I'll start

I wanted to CTB for the first time when I was 25. The reason is I grew up in a narcisstic family and eventually the abuse got to me. Coupled with the fact that I didn't know who I was, didn't know my needs and obviously neglecting them, I obviously broke at some point. It was just a matter of time.
(Back then I didn't know all those things. I was still chained by their manipulation, gaslighting etc.)

How about you? I would love to hear your story

I wanted to CTB for the first time when I was 16 in September 2021 as I was suffering from great jealousy and depression for the fact that people were always getting what they want, and I failed my English GCSE, and all these people in my area are being able to go to a college campus and make friends along the way and I was suffering at home, yelled at by my stupid narcissistic family. Now here comes the weird/interesting part: Since I loved airports so much, my method of CTB was to run away, go to Manchester Airport and spend the rest of my life planespotting until I eventually starve myself to death and die as a happy man (from the pleasure of watching planes).

 

[murmur]

I was about 11, i started seriously thinking about my own mortality, what I should do to be prepared when i happen to die, I had this feeling like I'd be at peace whether I died that day or in a few years, then it became overwhelming reasons why dying makes more sense than living

 

[Dead Already]

For me it was 10 years old, my Father died of kidney disease on Dec 24th.
Mom and Dad had already been divorced for two years.
Sis lived with our Father, my Mom got custody of me, at the time children of a certain age could choose the parent they wanted to live with.
I was locked in a bedroom closet at my Aunts house the day of the hearing, Mom's lawyer told the court,
I had chose Mom and did not want to appear.
Me and my Sister,both knew our Dad's time was limited with the kidney disease and we would both eventually end up with our Mom, who had mental issues due to Bolvar polio.
Both parents used me and my Sis to hurt each other, eventually my Mom's problems led to me going to my Dad's.
Less than 6 months later he died on Christmas eve.
I was working at our family grocery store that night when my Uncle came and told me, was supposed to see him one last time in the hospital Christmas morning, unfortunately he passed during the night.
Christmas day....
Family showed up and argued all day over who got what, at the end of the day, they all left, leaving me and my eight year old sister alone, hungry and scared in Dad's house.
Never have been able to stomach Christmas.
We ended up with our Mother, in less than two months she abandoned us while we were at school, moved out of the apartment, took everything including clothes, medical records, food....
Once again I found myself alone at ten years old in my hometown trying to figure out how to feed and shelter my sister and myself.
Ended up in the state child welfare/ orphan system, separated from my Sister.
No one in our family wanted us.
It just got worse from there.
Flash forward to 58 years old, military service did more damage.....
There is a lot in between, a lifetimes worth.
After all I've been through in my life, losing my best friend, soul mate, Wife,
Well, the world is fucked.
CPTSD, SEVERE DEPRESSION, BI POLAR DISORDER, Wish I would have CTB decades ago.
Loneliness is what finally drove me to make a plan and start to execute it, I turn 59 next month, not doing anymore time in this hell.
I'm at the station, ticket in hand, just a couple more months to go.
The pain and Loneliness will soon end.
Sorry for rambling.

 

[Dead Already]

at 18 after a two and half year relationship break up and realizing nobody truly cares for anyone

Sadly I believe you are right, consider yourself lucky if even 1 has ever touched your heart, and they yours.
So few humans know what Love is.

 

[venin]

Sadly I believe you are right, consider yourself lucky if even 1 has ever touched your heart, and they yours.
So few humans know what Love is.

Do you think so? I've been in love many times yet here I am. But then again maybe I haven't found true love otherwise I wouldn't be here.

 

[Dead Already]

Do you think so? I've been in love many times yet here I am. But then again maybe I haven't found true love otherwise I wouldn't be here.

True love, a mate, a soul to stand by,
Not loving a child or relative, but that heart that matches, nurtures, protects and accepts yours....
I believe it's a one time shot for some and won't happen for most simply because they can't be honest within themselves,

"Yes I think so",

Seems real/true love between 2 souls has been traded for, what someone can take from another to better themselves.
When soulmates meet, they spend the rest of their life's looking out for the heart thats looking after their own, nothing to take, only what they can give to each other.

 

[rosenrot]

I think 13. My home life got pretty difficult and i was struggling at school a lot. On top of that I felt disgusted by my physical appearance and my confidence levels plummeted. Since then i have been pretty lost in life, trying to find the level of happiness I had when i was a child. I never thought of myself as an adult so i pretty much made 0 plans for the future.

 

[jemetire]

16

 

[stilldreaming]

Hm I suppose 12? (Over 20 years ago) Ashamed to admit it but I took a bunch of uh chewable multivitamins and vitamin c tablets.........even at that age I knew it wouldn't really do anything to me (it just gave me a headache), I did it more to worry my mother though I did wish for it to be effective. (And I figured my mother would know it wouldn't be bad, and I got annoyed when she asked how many I took and told her don't worry about it).

I remember about a year later rewatching Last of the Mohicans with my (drunk) brother, and the part where the girl kills herself (jumping off the most perfect cliff for suicide), and me saying wistfully that she's very brave to be able to do that, and my brother harshly saying suicide is cowardly, and the ultimate form of cowardice. I'd been thinking since about age 12 I guess that it was very brave to commit suicide, though I'd always felt that was an unpopular opinion.

When I was 18, I realized I would always struggle too much in life, and since then it's been a constant thought. Started to get serious about researching and sourcing for methods in my mid 20s. I'm in my 30s now, and I think I've suffered enough. There should be a limit to how much we have to suffer. I gave it a good go I think. Oblivion is a much better thought than continuing to have to do what I do every day.

 

[venin]

I wanted to CTB for the first time when I was 16 in September 2021 as I was suffering from great jealousy and depression for the fact that people were always getting what they want, and I failed my English GCSE, and all these people in my area are being able to go to a college campus and make friends along the way and I was suffering at home, yelled at by my stupid narcissistic family. Now here comes the weird/interesting part: Since I loved airports so much, my method of CTB was to run away, go to Manchester Airport and spend the rest of my life planespotting until I eventually starve myself to death and die as a happy man (from the pleasure of watching planes).

how sweet

Hm I suppose 12? (Over 20 years ago) Ashamed to admit it but I took a bunch of uh chewable multivitamins and vitamin c tablets.........even at that age I knew it wouldn't really do anything to me (it just gave me a headache), I did it more to worry my mother though I did wish for it to be effective. (And I figured my mother would know it wouldn't be bad, and I got annoyed when she asked how many I took and told her don't worry about it).

I remember about a year later rewatching Last of the Mohicans with my (drunk) brother, and the part where the girl kills herself (jumping off the most perfect cliff for suicide), and me saying wistfully that she's very brave to be able to do that, and my brother harshly saying suicide is cowardly, and the ultimate form of cowardice. I'd been thinking since about age 12 I guess that it was very brave to commit suicide, though I'd always felt that was an unpopular opinion.

When I was 18, I realized I would always struggle too much in life, and since then it's been a constant thought. Started to get serious about researching and sourcing for methods in my mid 20s. I'm in my 30s now, and I think I've suffered enough. There should be a limit to how much we have to suffer. I gave it a good go I think. Oblivion is a much better thought than continuing to have to do what I do every day.

Same here.

 

[brainwormz]

first time I wanted to kill myself sometime around seven. It was the first time I realized that being non cishet meant I'd spend the rest of my life, utterly and completely alone.

 

[Nefer]

It started for me around 7, began as a morbid fascination with death and what comes after, then as a teen when my mental health issues set in it really cemented the idea for me.

Word for word exactly

 

[borderline-feline]

The first time I remember trying to kill myself was when I was 12. My mother had died, I'd gone through sexual trauma that I believed was my fault, and I spent 12 years with a body that's wrong. I don't remember enough of my childhood to be sure when the first time I wanted to die was, but I think I was around 7.

 

[Rocinante]

I was aged 9, or so. Hiding in my room playing Dragon Quest so I could avoid getting my ass beat or yelled at. While playing my brother was watching some Cops or Law and Order on another tv, and one of the victims allegedly committed suicide. I had always been aware of the concept of death and wanted to be dead due to my home life but it never crossed my mind that people could end their own lives.

 

[Borderline]

I was 14 when I wanted to kill myself for the first time.

 

[chloramine]

The first time I remember wanting to die I was 10. I wrote it in my secret journal using a code and everything because I was always terrified of anyone finding out. Apparently my parents were never really great according to my friends and a decent amount of my experiences were atypical. The final straw was my brother moving back to another province. He was my hero and the person I most wanted to be around and share stuff with. I believed I could trust him to a greater extent than any adult in my life and just. I don't know. That wasn't the only thing by any means but it was what made that desire to just stop living so clear.