Its far too long a story, but originally when i was 5 or six, i just remember i used to deliberately break free of my mums hand and run into traffic on busy roads under the guise of being excited to get to where we were going while in reality having the full intention of causing my death. (not particularly lethal but kids aren't exactly the smartest)
At the same age i used to dream of hiring a hit man with the caveat of never knowing exactly when it would happen (i was scared of the pain and act if killing myself but not of death itself, so i wanted to not have time to react) or envied those with terminal illness never understanding why so many people who are happy, and desperately want to live who have people that care about and depend on them had to go so unwillingly and be tortured when i would happily have taken their place and maybe gained the bravery to actually live in my final weeks due to a perceived lack of consequences.
the rest of the story is parental neglect as a baby onwards, persistent bullying, being diagnosed with severe ocd as a child that made me completely non functioning, specific phobia, caregivers being antagonistic towards my illness, becoming the scapegoat, emotional and physical abuse over my illness and in general including being beaten, shaken and screamed at during panic attacks (which cause me to retch repeatedly and happened almost daily, sometimes being consecutive over hours, days and weeks. The longest was 6 months and meant i missed years of primary school and parts of high school). sa by a much older third party who was into control and sadism from the ages of 13 to 18 who i still struggle with feelings for despite them ghosting me when i got too old as they gave me validation as a person with a use during our time together, agoraphobia, another bad relationship that included repeated sa and occasional physical assault (we were engaged for a long time before i ran away), family situation breaking down to the point family therapists had to visit, being involuntarily committed to a psychiatric ward for 9 months with no treatment after my ocd obsessions turned into delusions and my family campaigned to drs and my psychiatrist to get me removed because saw me as a burden and their attempts to coerce me into suicide by encouraging my existing suicidal tendancies and at one point begging me to kill myself to make their lives easier failed. I truely wanted to die because of the pain i was in but their coersion did the opposite and made me refuse to give them the satisfaction (the drs involved told me they didnt know what to do so putting me in hospital was partly for my own safety as well as because my mental health had deteriorated) attempted suicide multiple times while in hospital despite being considered no risk (which meant i was allowed my phone charger, pens etc making things possible) but couldnt complete as i was terrified id be caught on their observation rounds and was petrified they would take my means away so spent most of the time hiding under the desk bringing myself to the edge of consciousness repeatedly every night. thankfully was never caught and no one care despite my worry someone would notice my new found love of turtlenecks and difficulty moving my neck.
moved out to live on my own as a result of hospitalisation, became isolated by choice. A few years later had another breakdown and got hospitalised again for another 6 months this time voluntarily again on no interference except rapid tranq if i panicked for more than a week straight and couldnt eat or drink. It sucks to be feeling like the world is legit ending in a fate by far worse than death and the response from your treatment team isnt a kind word from one of the ward nurses but to be locked in your room alone, ignored and treated like a nuisance until you neglect yourself long enough the drug you unconscious and commit you so you cant complain.
currently in a new crisis after a flare up and being forced to go stay with my parents and brother later today for a few days as ive lost the ability to care for myself and need to be around someone, anyone until my emergency meds kick in even though its an objectively terrible idea. The crisis team know whats happening and at least say they will be monitoring the situation with my familly while they try and set up somewhere for me to go as i cant afford a hotel and its not safe for me to go alone.
if things dont improve really quickly, i will be ctb soon. the possibility has always been a comfort to me especially after experimenting enough to have a method i know will be successful if i need it and is pretty easy to carry with me at all times.
non-existence is neutral, life isnt, if the degree of INEVITABLE suffering for various reasons you have no control over far outweighs the mere POTENTIAL for small bits of happiness and your going to die eventually anyway. I think you would be more mad to not consider speeding it up a rational solution to an untreatable problem.
i will not accomplish anything worthwhile no matter how long i live, however i will consume resources to no result and create suffering to other life by existing, no matter how carefully you live your life every action you do causes suffering to some extent , jains try to minimise it but even they at one point recognised death was the way to avoid harm.
why should i be selfish enough to willingly cause harm merely through breathing, walking, the food i eat when i experience no benefit from it either, only more pain.
oops this turned into a bit of a rant didnt it.
anyway ive been suicidal almost as long as ive been alive and been diagnosed/ suspected of having everything from ocd that developed to have psychotic features, c-ptsd, phobias, highly suspected of having a personality disorder currently nos with traits from bpd, avpd but no one really knows
Im sorry i didnt mean to rant, but i needed to vent. Im sorry
