At what age did you want to CTB for the first time? What happened to you?

[Archness]

And now? How are you? Are you in a better place?

Same as always still. Sometimes just have these moments of disassociation, or bad feelings, depression, and/or suicidallity still. defect brain, crapworld, rip.

 

[venin]

Same as always still. Sometimes just have these moments of disassociation, or bad feelings, depression, and/or suicidallity still. defect brain, crapworld, rip.

 

[JustSomeoneOnline]

Not sure actually. Ever since I was 7? But at the time I didn't even understand that people could kill themselves so it was more like a feeling of wishing I never existed.
Later in my teens I got access to the internet and it progressed into whatever I feel now.

But yeah I've been like this since I was young due to neglect + verbal, emotional, physical and financial abuse.

 

[WoundedComrade]

Around 14-15, I was getting bullied pretty badly in school and was dealing with crippling anxiety as well as an eating disorder. My parents also separated around that age, I did my first attempt not too long after it crossed my mind but it was a pathetic attempt. i thought taking a shit ton of my mothers insulin would kill me, just made me hungry and tired.

 

[venin]

Not sure actually. Ever since I was 7? But at the time I didn't even understand that people could kill themselves so it was more like a feeling of wishing I never existed.
Later in my teens I got access to the internet and it progressed into whatever I feel now.

But yeah I've been like this since I was young due to neglect + verbal, emotional, physical and financial abuse.

I had the pleasure of experiencing all those types of abuse, except for me, the suicidality came in my young adulthood.

But I was splitting heavily in childhood and adolescence, felt like I wasn't really present in my body and my life in general.

It's so sad how you can tell that since we were children we've just been set up for failure, for pain, for defeat.

Life is so atrocious… I mean I understand you can have it really good, but how can you have it this bad? & then hearing people talk about God and faith and light…

It's beyond words. It's just beyond words.

 

[JustSomeoneOnline]

I had the pleasure of experiencing all those types of abuse, except for me, the suicidality came in my young adulthood.

But I was splitting heavily in childhood and adolescence, felt like I wasn't really present in my body and my life in general.

It's so sad how you can tell that since we were children we've just been set up for failure, for pain, for defeat.

Life is so atrocious… I mean I understand you can have it really good, but how can you have it this bad? & then hearing people talk about God and faith and light…

It's beyond words. It's just beyond words.

Exactly. We've been set up to fail by the people who were supposed to prepare us for life. Honestly we probably would have done a lot better without them at all. When you have it bad and hear people preaching about god… it just makes me sick to my stomach.

 

[venin]

Exactly. We've been set up to fail by the people who were supposed to prepare us for life. Honestly we probably would have done a lot better without them at all. When you have it bad and hear people preaching about god… it just makes me sick to my stomach.

That is so true unfortunately

Exactly. We've been set up to fail by the people who were supposed to prepare us for life. Honestly we probably would have done a lot better without them at all. When you have it bad and hear people preaching about god… it just makes me sick to my stomach.

I still can't understand how you can do that to your own child, and I probably never will.

 

[venin]

Around 14-15, I was getting bullied pretty badly in school and was dealing with crippling anxiety as well as an eating disorder. My parents also separated around that age, I did my first attempt not too long after it crossed my mind but it was a pathetic attempt. i thought taking a shit ton of my mothers insulin would kill me, just made me hungry and tired.

But insulin can kill you, right? As far as I know

Sounds painful af I'm sorry

How's it like to have an eating disorder? If you don't mind telling.

 

[sadpeach]

I was 16 or 17 I believe. I very impulsively and stupidly grabbed a bottle of peroxide and chugged it thinking it would kill me. Just vomited foam up everywhere and every meal I ate for the next month tasted like peroxide. I never told anyone so unsure of any damages that may have caused me. I have a lotttt of stomach issues and often wonder if that's why lol.

 

[venin]

I was 16 or 17 I believe. I very impulsively and stupidly grabbed a bottle of peroxide and chugged it thinking it would kill me. Just vomited foam up everywhere and every meal I ate for the next month tasted like peroxide. I never told anyone so unsure of any damages that may have caused me. I have a lotttt of stomach issues and often wonder if that's why lol.

I'm sorry it got to that. It must've been tough for you if you thought it was the only way out…

 

[WoundedComrade]

But insulin can kill you, right? As far as I know

Sounds painful af I'm sorry

How's it like to have an eating disorder? If you don't mind telling.

That's what i thought too, maybe i just didn't take enough or wait long enough. The hunger would become unbearable for me after a while and i would just stuff my face, making me feel better. I actually ended up using the insulin to gain some weight back from the eating disorder lol.

Thank you

I didn't realize i had an eating disorder at the time, it started after someone called me chubby, they told me i would look better if i was less chubby and I developed an eating disorder after that. I would barely eat and constantly be doing exercises. I was always physically exhausted and had constant brain fog. It was a shitty experience but thankfully i no longer suffer from that.

 

[Katakuri19]

11 years old, was getting bullied at school, couldn't tell anyone because I'd feel pathetic, then the thought of just dying came to me

I guess I didn't think of suicide, but just wishing I was dead

 

[purella]

12
concussion

 

[venin]

That's what i thought too, maybe i just didn't take enough or wait long enough. The hunger would become unbearable for me after a while and i would just stuff my face, making me feel better. I actually ended up using the insulin to gain some weight back from the eating disorder lol.

Thank you

I didn't realize i had an eating disorder at the time, it started after someone called me chubby, they told me i would look better if i was less chubby and I developed an eating disorder after that. I would barely eat and constantly be doing exercises. I was always physically exhausted and had constant brain fog. It was a shitty experience but thankfully i no longer suffer from that.

I can kinda relate to the eating disorder part. I've always watched my weight and would feel really shitty if I had love handles or belly fat.

Do you regret not leaving then?

11 years old, was getting bullied at school, couldn't tell anyone because I'd feel pathetic, then the thought of just dying came to me

I guess I didn't think of suicide, but just wishing I was dead

Schools are terrible and miss the whole point of education and growth.
There's so much pain and suffering inside them when they should be the exact opposite. Shitty teachers, mean kids, envy, bullying, drugs etc.

12
concussion

What happened?

 

[WoundedComrade]

I can kinda relate to the eating disorder part. I've always watched my weight and would feel really shitty if I had love handles or belly fat.

Do you regret not leaving then?

No, i can end it all at any time so I don't feel the need to regret not ending it. Right now life is bearable but once I run out of money i will be considering ctb.

 

[AbsurdCapybara]

I was sexually abused starting at 5 and my parents worked high-stress jobs all day and left me to roam around the neighborhood. I was confused because the man who sexually abused me was my neighbor and I thought he was my friend but he hurt me at the same time. I didn't feel safe telling my parents because I knew they'd yell at me, beat me and tell me it was my fault. So as young as 5 I remember wishing I was dead but I didn't understand anything about suicide at the time, just that I wish I didn't exist or had never been born.

 

[Henryk]

13 years old, I took my father's gun and cocked it on my head, he saw it and managed to stop me, since then I don't have access to that gun anymore which is a shame as it would be a good way to CTB

 

[venin]

No, i can end it all at any time so I don't feel the need to regret not ending it. Right now life is bearable but once I run out of money i will be considering ctb.

Nice reasoning.

I was sexually abused starting at 5 and my parents worked high-stress jobs all day and left me to roam around the neighborhood. I was confused because the man who sexually abused me was my neighbor and I thought he was my friend but he hurt me at the same time. I didn't feel safe telling my parents because I knew they'd yell at me, beat me and tell me it was my fault. So as young as 5 I remember wishing I was dead but I didn't understand anything about suicide at the time, just that I wish I didn't exist or had never been born.

That's painful just to read. So sorry

13 years old, I took my father's gun and cocked it on my head, he saw it and managed to stop me, since then I don't have access to that gun anymore which is a shame as it would be a good way to CTB

 

[drennedrat]

When I was around 12/13 i first got the urge. Mental illlness runs in my family and it was my first bout of depression. Coupled with not fitting in very well at school it put me at a low point. I got better for a few years then it happened again at 17, then again at 20, and now again at 23. I don't want to wait for myself to feel better; I'm already at such a low id rather not press on. I don't want my life to be a cycle of being miserable and then picking up the pieces until I have another destructive manic episode. I'd like to be at peace and not embarrass myself or my family anymore.

 

[venin]

When I was around 12/13 i first got the urge. Mental illlness runs in my family and it was my first bout of depression. Coupled with not fitting in very well at school it put me at a low point. I got better for a few years then it happened again at 17, then again at 20, and now again at 23. I don't want to wait for myself to feel better; I'm already at such a low id rather not press on. I don't want my life to be a cycle of being miserable and then picking up the pieces until I have another destructive manic episode. I'd like to be at peace and not embarrass myself or my family anymore.

I perfectly understand. How well were you between the depressive episodes?

 

[drennedrat]

I perfectly understand. How well were you between the depressive episodes?

Well is relative. Was I happy all the time? No, I still dealt with mental health struggles. I had either mild depression or social anxiety no matter what. But at least i didn't think about killing myself every day.

 

[venin]

Well is relative. Was I happy all the time? No, I still dealt with mental health struggles. I had either mild depression or social anxiety no matter what. But at least i didn't think about killing myself every day.

The social anxiety and generalized anxiety never really left me as well. Although I was happy, functioning, social etc.

 

[IWillSurvive]

It first came to my mind when I was 8, I never had too many friends but on that year it was worse than it had ever been. One of the only 2 people I considered my friends bullied me physically for a whole year, injuring me and making me feel weak and useless all the time. Because of this I developed a bit of stocolm syndrome which would haunt me for(for now) the rest of my life getting me stuck in multiple shit relationships. I also started compulsively lying about my physical well being to skip class for a big part of the school year, this way stressing the hell out of my parents(who luckily where some of the best parents a child could ask for) and ruining not only their phisical health, but also their mental health. This is where I first tried to ctb by jumping from my window until SI and a intrusive thought about what my sister would feel about my suicide stopped me. After this I semi recovered and was able to just push through the bullying and survive for a while longer.

After that I stayed mildly suicidal for 8 years and got dangerously close when I was 16. This time I had a great life but felt like everything was useless and nothing mattered + I was completely unable to feel emotion, I felt constantly empty for a whole year. After some therapy and some personal development I have come to the conclusion that I don't fear death, but I dont need to seek it either, the feeling of emptiness isn't as strong as it was so I can just go on with my life for now.

 

[WhenTheSunHits95]

Started around age 9. Experienced CSA from around 4 and the emotional/psychological effects kicked in around then. First attempt was 14. Tried drinking laundry detergent. Failed miserably. First hospitalization came after that, which kickstarted the perilous journey that is mental health "care".

 

[Anna.]

i was 13. Stuck in an incredibly abusive household. something happened and it just clicked. I remember looking up bullying on YouTube where they all killed themselves at the end when I was like 9 though, I think it's where I got the idea.

 

[waningmoth]

Its far too long a story, but originally when i was 5 or six, i just remember i used to deliberately break free of my mums hand and run into traffic on busy roads under the guise of being excited to get to where we were going while in reality having the full intention of causing my death. (not particularly lethal but kids aren't exactly the smartest)
At the same age i used to dream of hiring a hit man with the caveat of never knowing exactly when it would happen (i was scared of the pain and act if killing myself but not of death itself, so i wanted to not have time to react) or envied those with terminal illness never understanding why so many people who are happy, and desperately want to live who have people that care about and depend on them had to go so unwillingly and be tortured when i would happily have taken their place and maybe gained the bravery to actually live in my final weeks due to a perceived lack of consequences.

the rest of the story is parental neglect as a baby onwards, persistent bullying, being diagnosed with severe ocd as a child that made me completely non functioning, specific phobia, caregivers being antagonistic towards my illness, becoming the scapegoat, emotional and physical abuse over my illness and in general including being beaten, shaken and screamed at during panic attacks (which cause me to retch repeatedly and happened almost daily, sometimes being consecutive over hours, days and weeks. The longest was 6 months and meant i missed years of primary school and parts of high school). sa by a much older third party who was into control and sadism from the ages of 13 to 18 who i still struggle with feelings for despite them ghosting me when i got too old as they gave me validation as a person with a use during our time together, agoraphobia, another bad relationship that included repeated sa and occasional physical assault (we were engaged for a long time before i ran away), family situation breaking down to the point family therapists had to visit, being involuntarily committed to a psychiatric ward for 9 months with no treatment after my ocd obsessions turned into delusions and my family campaigned to drs and my psychiatrist to get me removed because saw me as a burden and their attempts to coerce me into suicide by encouraging my existing suicidal tendancies and at one point begging me to kill myself to make their lives easier failed. I truely wanted to die because of the pain i was in but their coersion did the opposite and made me refuse to give them the satisfaction (the drs involved told me they didnt know what to do so putting me in hospital was partly for my own safety as well as because my mental health had deteriorated) attempted suicide multiple times while in hospital despite being considered no risk (which meant i was allowed my phone charger, pens etc making things possible) but couldnt complete as i was terrified id be caught on their observation rounds and was petrified they would take my means away so spent most of the time hiding under the desk bringing myself to the edge of consciousness repeatedly every night. thankfully was never caught and no one care despite my worry someone would notice my new found love of turtlenecks and difficulty moving my neck.

moved out to live on my own as a result of hospitalisation, became isolated by choice. A few years later had another breakdown and got hospitalised again for another 6 months this time voluntarily again on no interference except rapid tranq if i panicked for more than a week straight and couldnt eat or drink. It sucks to be feeling like the world is legit ending in a fate by far worse than death and the response from your treatment team isnt a kind word from one of the ward nurses but to be locked in your room alone, ignored and treated like a nuisance until you neglect yourself long enough the drug you unconscious and commit you so you cant complain.

currently in a new crisis after a flare up and being forced to go stay with my parents and brother later today for a few days as ive lost the ability to care for myself and need to be around someone, anyone until my emergency meds kick in even though its an objectively terrible idea. The crisis team know whats happening and at least say they will be monitoring the situation with my familly while they try and set up somewhere for me to go as i cant afford a hotel and its not safe for me to go alone.

if things dont improve really quickly, i will be ctb soon. the possibility has always been a comfort to me especially after experimenting enough to have a method i know will be successful if i need it and is pretty easy to carry with me at all times.

non-existence is neutral, life isnt, if the degree of INEVITABLE suffering for various reasons you have no control over far outweighs the mere POTENTIAL for small bits of happiness and your going to die eventually anyway. I think you would be more mad to not consider speeding it up a rational solution to an untreatable problem.
i will not accomplish anything worthwhile no matter how long i live, however i will consume resources to no result and create suffering to other life by existing, no matter how carefully you live your life every action you do causes suffering to some extent , jains try to minimise it but even they at one point recognised death was the way to avoid harm.
why should i be selfish enough to willingly cause harm merely through breathing, walking, the food i eat when i experience no benefit from it either, only more pain.

oops this turned into a bit of a rant didnt it.

anyway ive been suicidal almost as long as ive been alive and been diagnosed/ suspected of having everything from ocd that developed to have psychotic features, c-ptsd, phobias, highly suspected of having a personality disorder currently nos with traits from bpd, avpd but no one really knows

Im sorry i didnt mean to rant, but i needed to vent. Im sorry

 

[venin]

It first came to my mind when I was 8, I never had too many friends but on that year it was worse than it had ever been. One of the only 2 people I considered my friends bullied me physically for a whole year, injuring me and making me feel weak and useless all the time. Because of this I developed a bit of stocolm syndrome which would haunt me for(for now) the rest of my life getting me stuck in multiple shit relationships. I also started compulsively lying about my physical well being to skip class for a big part of the school year, this way stressing the hell out of my parents(who luckily where some of the best parents a child could ask for) and ruining not only their phisical health, but also their mental health. This is where I first tried to ctb by jumping from my window until SI and a intrusive thought about what my sister would feel about my suicide stopped me. After this I semi recovered and was able to just push through the bullying and survive for a while longer.

After that I stayed mildly suicidal for 8 years and got dangerously close when I was 16. This time I had a great life but felt like everything was useless and nothing mattered + I was completely unable to feel emotion, I felt constantly empty for a whole year. After some therapy and some personal development I have come to the conclusion that I don't fear death, but I dont need to seek it either, the feeling of emptiness isn't as strong as it was so I can just go on with my life for now.

I'm really for the experience with that "friend"… hope you manage to get to feelinng awesome and fully live

Started around age 9. Experienced CSA from around 4 and the emotional/psychological effects kicked in around then. First attempt was 14. Tried drinking laundry detergent. Failed miserably. First hospitalization came after that, which kickstarted the perilous journey that is mental health "care".

sorry you went through that. Mental health care can sometimes be as unpleasant as the problem itself.

What is CSA?

 

[tramaj]

I don't remember exactly, but i first started to consider suicide at 12/13 as a possibility if my life continued to go downhill. At 16, after realizing than my life was never going to be good, i started to focus my attention on CTB: i started planning methods, searching for good places where to do it and so on. At the moment, i'm only waiting for my grandparents to pass away.

 

[Sad Avocado]

It all started when I was 16 but I started thinking about it seriously 8 months ago. So when I was 18. I had many problems and it's a long story but the last thing, I had a terrible break up that brought me back into a stage of depression I thought I had overcomed in the past, is what brought me her

 

[FallenForestry]

Excuse the long post -

At 7 years old I tried to CTB for the first time by holding myself under the water in the bath. It was a long long time ago and I'm not how fully I understood what I was doing. I just knew I wanted everything to stop. My parents started the process of a messy divorce when I was 5 and for years it was a constant battle in the courts of my father trying to have my mother declared clinically unfit to be a legal guardian due to addiction issues and neglect. On the opposite side my mother argued to the courts that my father was conspiring to kidnap and abuse me (baseless claims but he was just as neglectful.) I'd be left at school until 8pm and more often than not a teacher would take me home sometimes even having to take me to school the next day. I felt responsible for taking care of my mother and when I wasn't home alone with her I was staying at my best friends house. However, my best friend lived with his grandparents and his grandfather was sexually abusing me for years. By the age of 7 I suppose I just had enough. I loved the water and the privacy of taking a bath (which I would lose later in life sadly) and the longer I held my head under the longer things were quiet.

I thought a lot about CTB after that with my first serious attempt happening when I was 12. And then nearly consistently trying anytime I was out of a hospital and had the means until I was eventually sent to residential treatment 2 years later.

It's been nearly 10 years since then. I still think about CTB. It feels both inevitable and impossible. Things have gotten better but have also gotten so much worse. I've only had a handful of attempts since then but it's something where it doesn't feel worth it to try anymore unless i know I'm making the right decision and that it will be the final decision.