Discussion Are you scared of what you will do to people after you ctb?

[dotdotdotdot]

Do you guys think about how life is going to be like for the people you were close to after you ctb? Do you feel guilty?
One of the main reasons I haven't done it yet is cause I'm a pussy and I'm nervous about how people would react. I had a rough family and there will be a couple of people who are going to blame themselves and some of those people are factored into why I'm going to ctb but I don't want them to know or think that. There are also some people that will be hit hard by me being gone. I just want to be selfish and for once do something for myself instead of putting other people over me.

 

[Eudaimonic]

Yeah. I'm still deliberating because I'm afraid of hurting my family and friends. It's hard to come to terms with the pain it'll cause them. I feel guilty about it.

 

[DesperateOne]

Honestly? Not really... After thinking a bit about it, they haven't shown any amount of willingness to help besides "Are you ok?" type of questions all my life when I was clearly suffering. God damn even a random doctor noticed that I was incredibly tense and not okay when I've seen him the first time in high school and my parents haven't who have known me for their entire life. Fuck that shit...

 

[devian]

its tough for me because im not as sure about my plans anymore. i was actually recovering nicely until the last little while when an unfortunate series of events happened. i know, deep down, that the right thing to do, if i decide to ctb, is to slowly cut off my relationships with everyone first. i have a partner who would be devastated. theres an old elliott smith song about this subject and mindset, 'the biggest lie'. in the song, elliott sings about wanting to die, but he has someone close to him who he doesnt want the suicide to fall on. so he lies, and acts as a horrible person purposefully, claiming that he hates the other person and wants them to leave. that way, they wont be around when he exits.

i would be terrified to sever my relationships with these people in my life, because i know it would be cementing everything, but i also know that i cant just keep everyone this close to me and have everything blow up in their face. i dont know, yet.

 

[rozeske]

Yes but there isn't much I can do about it. They inevitably will grief hopefully for a short while and move on. Life will go on whether I am here or not anyways and the memory of my existence will fade more and more. I never hope all those that contributed to my ctb suffer because of it. What is done is done but hopefully my death would enlighten them into bettering themselves for others.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm waiting for my last close family member to go first because I think it would affect them deeply. Beyond that, it's step relations I have ambivalent relationships with anyway (some of them caused me to feel suicidal to begin with) and distant friends and family I haven't seen in 5, 10, 20+ years. I'm hoping that distance will make it easier on them.

It bothers me that it could upset people but then, is it reasonabe to expect me to carry on purely for the sake of people I never see and text very rarely? I've already hung on 34 years mostly for the sake of others. You shouldn't be expected to live an entire life you don't want to live entirely for the sake of others- surely? Especially when those people aren't even around!

Unless I'd say you have dependants- children in which case, I suppose personally, I struggle more with people choosing to leave them. That's because my Mum died when I was 3 though. So, I guess I have my own bias there.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, I don't really care about others that much. I just wish to be dead

 

[BlessedBeTheFlame]

No, because I already know they want me dead.

 

[mrelief82]

Yes. A lot .

 

[Tzu]

Yes, but i think ultimately if i'm trying to reduce suffering for everyone involved it's a net positive to CTB in my scenario. They have other supporting people/multiple decades to get over it and they won't have to be concerned over me.

 

[UltraRareSlinky]

i feel the same. also youre not q pussy for caring about your family and loved ones

 

[mortuarymary]

Yes. It's probably a reason I won't CTB. Can't leave my dogs.

 

[Ksmиda]

I don't care. I'm going to be dead, enjoying myself in the afterlife and they're gonna still have to live decades.
There isn't really any point thinking about it imo

 

[B4mbi]

Nope. I'm so lucky I don't have a family <3

 

[FuneralCry]

The way I see it whatever happens after I no longer exist could never be my concern as I will simply be gone, I find it comforting to think of this existence no longer being my problem anymore. We are all going to die anyway, if people are so anti-death then they shouldn't procreate in the first place as they are the ones literally causing others to die, if I had a painless way to cease existing on my own terms, I'd be relieved.

 

[offtoseethewizard]

Yes! I'll ruin several lives. It's awful

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Only thing I would be afraid of is people blaming my children and husband because it's not their fault.

 

[dotdotdotdot]

It bothers me that it could upset people but then, is it reasonabe to expect me to carry on purely for the sake of people I never see and text very rarely? I've already hung on 34 years mostly for the sake of others. You shouldn't be expected to live an entire life you don't want to live entirely for the sake of others- surely? Especially when those people aren't even around!

I often think about this same philosophy. There will be people mad at me for doing it but I've been suffering since I was 16 and I thought this was just something that would pass as time went on but it's just gotten worse. They won't understand why I did what I did

 

[Guy Smiley]

Do you guys think about how life is going to be like for the people you were close to after you ctb? Do you feel guilty?
One of the main reasons I haven't done it yet is cause I'm a pussy and I'm nervous about how people would react. I had a rough family and there will be a couple of people who are going to blame themselves and some of those people are factored into why I'm going to ctb but I don't want them to know or think that. There are also some people that will be hit hard by me being gone. I just want to be selfish and for once do something for myself instead of putting other people over me.

Yes, absolutely. For me, the guilt I feel over how much my suicide will hurt my family is the hardest part and probably the reason why I haven't killed myself already. If I wasn't close to my family, or they all gave me their blessings to CTB and told me they would be okay in the long run, I think I would've done it by now.

But, at the same time, I know how much pain I'm causing them even while alive. They have to see me terribly depressed and in a state of constant misery, and that is extremely hard for them obviously. So, if my misery is just going to continue, then I do sometimes think that they would be better off in the long run if I kill myself. Even though they will miss me terribly, maybe them knowing that I'm no longer suffering will be easier for them then seeing me continue to suffer.

 

[BGooG]

My daughter is the only thing keeping me alive. She has struggled herself, and I worry what my leaving would do to her. My wife wouldn't give two fucks, other than it'd take away the person she blames for all her problems. And her most convenient target to scream at and abuse.

 

[littlelungs]

Very. It's a huge reason as to why I'm still here, because a big chunk of my exit preparations are dedicated to trying to not leave a big confusing mess with a bunch of unanswered questions for the people left behind, and I've really gone above and beyond to soften the blow as much as possible for other people. It has taken years because even just basic survival is a full-time job in my condition, but it's important to me that nobody gets fucked over and that I've made myself clear. Even with all of that, though, I know that there's still only so much that I can do as it concerns how this will affect people emotionally and psychologically, and I hate that so much. I am particularly worried about how this will affect my (much) younger sisters, and I'm frankly terrified for my mom in terms of how she will handle this emotionally. Just the thought makes me want to be sick to my stomach.

I'm still going to do it because I honest-to-God can't suffer like this anymore; it passed the point of being unbearable a really long time ago and it's only getting worse because that's just the nature of this living hell of an illness (that has no approved treatment or cure), on top of all of the other issues that have repeatedly shown themselves to be resistant to treatment, along with the fact that I just can't stand the state of humanity and the world. I've spent my entire life trying to protect other people and keep them happy, oftentimes at my own expense, but the pain and suffering is beyond all description, and if my final act of ending my own suffering is seen as "selfish", then so be it, I guess... but the guilt is crippling and it makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. All I can do is hope that they understand my reasons for doing so, even in the midst of their grief, and that existing like this just wasn't bearable or sustainable anymore. It's just a really difficult situation all-around.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm more scared of what I'll do to people if I don't. The people feeling sad about my CTB will get over it (and if they don't they're crying over nothing). The other people whose lives are likely to be ruined just because I'm alive are more important because they probably wouldn't defend keeping me alive if they knew what's about to happen to them.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Do you guys think about how life is going to be like for the people you were close to after you ctb? Do you feel guilty?
One of the main reasons I haven't done it yet is cause I'm a pussy and I'm nervous about how people would react. I had a rough family and there will be a couple of people who are going to blame themselves and some of those people are factored into why I'm going to ctb but I don't want them to know or think that. There are also some people that will be hit hard by me being gone. I just want to be selfish and for once do something for myself instead of putting other people over me.

I think everyone is different here. Some people have a lot of natural supports and some people have very little. The fact you are concerned indicates you have people that care about you. Which is a good thing.

As for me... I don't really have anyone. I think my parents know they should care so they go through the motions. Credit to them for doing that I guess. Other's probably wouldn't have. End of the day however, I think they don't feel that way.

As far as if I ctb'd soon I don't think it will traumatize them. I don't think it would surprise them. Given the course of events the last going on two years I think in many ways they've grieved my death. End of the day... For me my current situation is incompatible with life. I've tried to fix it but I have failed. Unfortunately failure here results in death. I think most would feel the same way.

 

[bridge-walking]

Yes it will be devastating for them and that really hurts me thinking about it. they love me and care for me so much. but I know I need to catch my bus so I gotta get over those feelings and just do it. thats what I told myself this week been waiting too long.

 

[dotdotdotdot]

My daughter is the only thing keeping me alive. She has struggled herself, and I worry what my leaving would do to her. My wife wouldn't give two fucks, other than it'd take away the person she blames for all her problems. And her most convenient target to scream at and abuse.

Your daughter needs her father in her life. Live, not just for her but also for yourself, so you could guide her into a path of success and so you could witness her succeed in life. Even if you and her mother don't get along, her having you in your daughter's life makes all the difference.
I truly do hope you get through what you're going thru and get better. I hope you and your daughter find peace and prosperity. Take care.

 

[archerfish]

Some family I truly fear hurting, like my nephews and niece. A dark part of me hopes my brother feels bad at least a little, and think about how he could have been more understanding. Same goes for my mother who made a joke out of my last attempt. I isolate a lot though, and my only friends are online. We don't talk a lot, if I disappeared, not much would really change. I'm not blind to the fact people will grieve, but I know they'll move on. My oldest nephew has been struggling with depression and anxiety a lot, so I worry how it'll impact him the most. I think the only one who will completely lose it, is my dad. He became suicidal, even bought a gun, after his parents died about 6 years ago. I'd like to think he wouldn't follow me, but I'm not too sure. .

 

[sserafim]

No. I hate to say it, but I don't really care.