Soc
Member
- Dec 9, 2023
- 72
I feel like everything I had and valued has been taken away from me. I stil have my job somehow but that will go as well and I'll live isolated waiting to die. It seems like a foregone conclusion for me.
new2blue
Student
- Dec 11, 2023
- 115
I have had episodes of extremely poor mental health throughout my life. The last 3 I was certain I would not see the other side of it, but I did. Yet each time, a part of me died. Maybe the best parts of me. Its possible I could eventually recover, but at the moment I am riding the waves of my third major nervous breakdown and can not see the other side of it.
Its small things now, that keep me tethered. A cold glass of water. A nice breeze against my skin. A decent sleep (that hardly happens anymore). When your mind and soul are on fire, the small subtle things are magnified. The day that a cold glas of water on a warm summer day holds no appeal, when the small things feel like static against my skin, I'll know I have reached the end of my rope.
Its small things now, that keep me tethered. A cold glass of water. A nice breeze against my skin. A decent sleep (that hardly happens anymore). When your mind and soul are on fire, the small subtle things are magnified. The day that a cold glas of water on a warm summer day holds no appeal, when the small things feel like static against my skin, I'll know I have reached the end of my rope.
I understand this feeling, hoping fof the life insurance from dead awful parent or the secret inheritance or the lottery win. I don't know how much of that is raw imaginative ideation and how much of it is survival instinct. I suppose it indicates that we aren't ready to die or know it could get better with magical intervention. But as you said, this daydream is based on a deus ex machina's sudden involvement.
For me, the delusion extends to what if the deus ex machina comes a minute or two after I'm already gone. I wouldnt know or be able to regret, but I do wonder.
WeDontKnowTheFuture
Student
- Feb 3, 2023
- 153
I do think my condition/situation is hopeless. The way i function always made me feel like an alien around humans. I don't fit anywhere and feel extremely lonely when i'm in a group of peoples. I lost too much peoples over time because of my depressive tendency and difficulty to include myself with others.
I also lost interest in everythings, i can't see how i could recreate a social life without interest in addition to the fact that basically I already have difficulty with human interactions. I don't think that one day i will be able to flourish socially and doing it seems pointless to me as i will still feel offset, ctb appeal me a lot more at this point.
Then there is the fact that i cannot project myself in any job in wich i could get a sense of meaning or fulfillment. I had the dream to become a great music composer but because of many factors in play, it is shattered.
I also lost interest in everythings, i can't see how i could recreate a social life without interest in addition to the fact that basically I already have difficulty with human interactions. I don't think that one day i will be able to flourish socially and doing it seems pointless to me as i will still feel offset, ctb appeal me a lot more at this point.
Then there is the fact that i cannot project myself in any job in wich i could get a sense of meaning or fulfillment. I had the dream to become a great music composer but because of many factors in play, it is shattered.
new2blue
Student
- Dec 11, 2023
- 115
I would have loved to hear your music. I sense in you a deep yearning to connect with others. That kind of yearning, and sadness, would translate to music wonderfully. All the best artists suffered, in some great way. I bet you would have been great. :)
Unlikely ? I'd say it's a 99% chance
On topic: yeah I'd say everything is just getting worse and the reasons to leave has just greatly overpowered the reasons to stay
I think most of us could take it though and fight it out until our last days but I don't really see the point in that From my perspective.
I really tried to love this place but man it's hard seeing anything but evil here
Unnecessary suffering
Last edited:
WeDontKnowTheFuture
Student
- Feb 3, 2023
- 153
Thank you for the kind words, the music that i produced indeed transcribes well my suffering. I'm not able to do it anymore, explaining why is complex, let's Say it is a mix of technical issues and internal struggle..
Wish you the best:)
sleepy10
Member
- Nov 24, 2023
- 38
i hear you, I had everything ripped away from me as well including my job that I really loved. There is no hope for me my dreams are all gone and I am hopeless the only thing left for me to do is to pull the trigger.
Ah, this feeling is the worst in the world... Do you have any idea how long the resources will last? Hope is not always an illusion driven by the survival instinct. It's very common to embrace good opportunities, even when life is fucking miserable... You can rush to suicide at any moment, but maybe you still have a few months of hope. living. This is not a cowardly thought, nor pro-life advice, just an impression... Only you can hit the hammer and decide whether or not life is worth living.
Yeah, since 2011... I went through a string of failed attempts, I was careless and desperate enough for them to discover the last one (2015) and after that, it became very difficult to die... basically that's it, the last few years have been shit in many ways, but I had two options and I tried to move forward with both under my arms: to be successful in life, in some way; or succeed by trying to die. I can say that this helped, as I was able to calm down enough to evaluate the methods and increase the chances of dying – apart from the failed attempt with CO earlier this year.
Sometimes I have that damn doubt: would it have worked if I hadn't been sick all the time, counting calories even from water and wishing for death? I don't think so, in fact, my suicide was always inevitable. What hurts most is knowing that I will be killing the wrong person and confirming, once again, a statistic...
