Are you feeling trapped?

[BlazingBob]

Terrified to live, terrified to die. No access to a reliable and peaceful method. Obligations you just can't walk away from. In my case it's animals. I've been getting brutal anxiety at night about it. Fuck, I just want peace and know I'll never be able to find it in this life but ctb scares the living shit out of me to the point of feeling like I'm going to puke but so does the thought of what inevitably awaits me if I don't.

 

[sserafim]

I feel trapped in existence. It feels like I'm in some kind of limbo between life and death. I want to die, but I'm too scared of failing ctb and its consequences, so I'm forced to stay alive. I'm terrified to die. I hate the obligations that come with being alive. I never even asked to be born anyways. Why should I be burdened with obligations? I wish I could be euthanized or something. It's not fair that we're not allowed a peaceful and guaranteed death. I just don't want to live anymore and I should have the right to end my life. I should have a way out of this prison

 

[iloverachel]

Yeah I am also trapped in a life I don't want.

Feels like I am serving a life sentence

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Yes. The walls are closing in.

 

[OCDsufferer]

Same on the lack of access to a reliable method and having dependents. I feel like both those things just exist to punish me more.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I certainly do, and I'm tired of suffering in this hellish, undesirable existence. It's an disgusting unacceptable crime how humans cannot have the option to easily die in peace even know existing truly is nothing more than meaningless suffering and we are all just going to die anyway.

I'd never want to exist no matter what, and I find it such a devastating tragedy how we have to pay the price all because others were selfish enough to so harmfully procreate even know nobody can suffer from never existing at all.

I just wish there's the option to erase my existence so it's like I never existed at all, also what I'd fear is trying to die potentially going wrong and leading to way worse agony. I just despise existence and it terrifies me how there is no limit as to how torturous it can get, human existence is the most terrible abomination that causes nothing but harm.

 

[divinemistress36]

An animal in a cage

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

Same on the lack of access to a reliable method and having dependents. I feel like both those things just exist to punish me more.

Noticed your username. OCD is the primary reason existence is so unbearable for me. Would you be interested in a chat?

 

[sserafim]

Yeah I am also trapped in a life I don't want.

Feels like I am serving a life sentence

We're all doing time for our crimes (which weren't even committed by us). It's so unfair. I've already endured this sentence for way too long and the thing I hate the most about it is that it was forced upon me without my consent

 

[FadingDawn]

Yeah, I feel trapped; that's a good way to describe. It's like you could still tear at the walls or the air around you in desperation, but ctb and ending this shit still feels impossibly remote; it's like a leaden weight pressing down on you tbh... day in and day out; and the frustration and misery about... just being *stuck* there, and imprisoned in life. Idk how to express it; but, basically, I agree and empathize with your post, friend.

 

[OCDsufferer]

Noticed your username. OCD is the primary reason existence is so unbearable for me. Would you be interested in a chat?

Community is always nice. If you'd like we can chat

 

[Abyssal]

Yes. The suffering cycle.

 

[Heidi48]

Terrified to live, terrified to die. No access to a reliable and peaceful method. Obligations you just can't walk away from. In my case it's animals. I've been getting brutal anxiety at night about it. Fuck, I just want peace and know I'll never be able to find it in this life but ctb scares the living shit out of me to the point of feeling like I'm going to puke but so does the thought of what inevitably awaits me if I don't.

You're just described how I feel- would do it right now (have the tools to do it) but I can't shake the guilt of my obligations and the mess I would leave behind for my loved ones. Half of me thinks -just do it, you won't care after but other half worries, what if it doesn't work etc

 

[SoulCage]

Literally my username.

 

[Eudaimonic]

Currently no access to any reliable or peaceful methods, and nowhere i can attempt, so, yes.

 

[Red Moon]

I'm just stuck because I can't find a reliable methods, potential failure and I'm a little worried what's going to happen to me after I die.

I don't think I can last for much longer and it's cruel how there's no peaceful methods available, so I'm forced with more risky methods. I'm definitely trapped right now.

 

[Werewolf.]

Same on the lack of access to a reliable method and having dependents. I feel like both those things just exist to punish me more.

Noticed your username. OCD is the primary reason existence is so unbearable for me. Would you be interested in a chat?

I have OCD, too. What kind of OCD do you have? Mine is the germophobic kind. Always cleaning, cleaning and cleaning. Nowhere near as extreme as it used to be but it's still there and it will never be washed away. Pun totally intended. ;)

 

[BlazingBob]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I definitely don't feel as alone. I think this is about the only place we can talk freely about this without getting bombarded by the prolifers' or anti choicers' platitudes, cliches and unsolicited advice. I'm really grateful this site exists.

 

[lnlybnny]

Definitely. Trapped by life and its demands that I don't have the wish to pursue, trapped by the lack of energy and courage to finally get things done and ctb… it's so overwhelming

 

[BlazingBob]

Definitely. Trapped by life and its demands that I don't have the wish to pursue, trapped by the lack of energy and courage to finally get things done and ctb… it's so overwhelming

I could've written this myself. I just don't have the energy to meet life's demands, nor the desire. My only desire is to not exist.

 

[OCDsufferer]

I have OCD, too. What kind of OCD do you have? Mine is the germophobic kind. Always cleaning, cleaning and cleaning. Nowhere near as extreme as it used to be but it's still there and it will never be washed away. Pun totally intended. ;)

Never had a cleaning obsession nor compulsion, my OCD decided to center itself around sexual things so, well, you can imagine my intrusive thoughts.

 

[Mattt_K]

"Trapped" is a great word to describe it, and why I ended up on this site. Personally, I feel there are so many obligations tied to my life. I'm in a long-term relationship that some would consider okay. He isn't abusive or anything like that. But it is a trapped existence. We're not in love, haven't been for a long time. I used to get a "mhm" when I said I loved him. So one day I decided not to say it anymore to see what would happen. What happened? Nothing - I just no longer say I love him. Forget about physical intimacy - the most I can hope for is the occassional hug. Our lives are so intertwined though that I can't just leave. Wouldn't it be great if things were that easy? Financial obligations, pets etc.

Trapped because I have found someone that I am in love with and is in love with me, but we are separated by continents and time zones. So all of our interaction is online, but this is limited because of the existing relationship.

Trapped because I am a horrible person for having this affair in the first place. I mean, I should just rather leave, right? That would be the right thing to do? But because of how our life is, I guess I'm too much of a coward to do that.

Trapped because I'm quite sure I should see a therapist, but how would I do that? There's no way to see one without him knowing that I am, and I simply can't have that conversation as to why I need to see a professional in the first place.

Trapped because I do sincerely love my faith and belief, but my life doesn't attest to it. Not truly.

Trapped because I'm a hypersexual and my sex drive is ridiculous, but as per the above, there's no intimacy. Not just the physical, there isn't emotional intimacy. How I would love to just actually have sex. That which we should all be entitled to within a relationship. Sex is not on the cards though. He literally turns away when getting dressed. So if I can't even see him naked, there's no way I'm going to be having sex. Aside from that, I no longer know what sex with him would look like. I don't feel secure enough with him that I think I'd enjoy it.

I believe that these things combined are making my depression worse. At night when I go to bed, almost without fail, I lay my head on the pillow and I see someone putting a gun to my temple and ending it. Maybe it's a premonition of how my life will end one day, maybe it's just a manifestation of my desire for freedom from all of the pain and difficulty of life. Maybe these are questions a professional would be able to help me answer....

So to answer your question @BlazingBob, yes. I definitely feel trapped.

 

[NSA]

I feel trapped into an eventual suicide. Even though im getting decent mental halth treatment now it's only a matter of time before my financial circumstances force my hand. Even if I was somehow magically cured tomorrow, I can't see an acceptable way out of this.

Heck, given how SSI works, being magically cured would actually seal my fate for real. Just can't fucking win.

 

[Forest Fire]

Every situation i find myself in is one i don't want to be experiencing with people that i don't want to be around and who probably don't want to be around me.
Nowhere to go but work and home keeping myself alive for no other reason than to suffer, so that a couple of people (who make it obvious i am a burden to them) don't have to go to my funeral and be sad about it.
My financial situation is fucked as i work 28 hours in a supermarket, We get a pay rise every year but it is less than inflation so we are taking a cut every year.
Got a variety of mental problems i cant have an hours rest from let alone a day off from.
Permanent injuries which have stopped me being able to play sport which was my only healthy outlet for my stress.
In the past there have been things i believed i needed to do for my life to get better. I've done all of them and things have only got worse. At this point i genuinely have no clue what i should be doing to improve my situation so yes i feel completely trapped.

 

[BlazingBob]

Every situation i find myself in is one i don't want to be experiencing with people that i don't want to be around and who probably don't want to be around me.
Nowhere to go but work and home keeping myself alive for no other reason than to suffer, so that a couple of people (who make it obvious i am a burden to them) don't have to go to my funeral and be sad about it.
My financial situation is fucked as i work 28 hours in a supermarket, We get a pay rise every year but it is less than inflation so we are taking a cut every year.
Got a variety of mental problems i cant have an hours rest from let alone a day off from.
Permanent injuries which have stopped me being able to play sport which was my only healthy outlet for my stress.
In the past there have been things i believed i needed to do for my life to get better. I've done all of them and things have only got worse. At this point i genuinely have no clue what i should be doing to improve my situation so yes i feel completely trapped.

I can definitely relate to not being able to get even an hour's respite from mental struggles. I can also relate to what you said about not being able to play sports and how they used to be an outlet for stress. Before getting sick I was extremely active but now just getting out of bed and just existing is a massive struggle. I also know all about doing things to make life better and putting in all the effort only to have things turn to For my decades long severe depression this included trying almost every available medication and also TMS, therapy, psilocybin, ketamine infusions, etc, only to have them do nothing or worse completely backfire, which was the case with TMS which caused permanent damage. I've been trying for 35 years. I'm done. Next thing I'm going to try is not existing.

 

[Z-A]

Yes. I can't do CTB with the available methods to me because of fear and terror. I wish I had access to firearms or drugs like pentobarbital. Waking up while wanting to die is the most agonizing feeling. The existence is extremely sadistic trapping us in a world like this.

 

[Hotsackage]

Since I've been born, woooooooo