Discussion are you aromantic, asexual, or aro-ace?

[dreamofnofuture]

I myself am aro-ace and generally uninterested in relationships and the like. Not because I'm not curious about them, but because I don't find the majority of people to be good partners. An even smaller percentage are decent ones but don't have the same values as me. I am a bit sex-repulsed as well.

Since the A-spec is more complex than people believe (it's not just "Oh, I don't feel any sexual or romantic feelings at all!" for the majority of aro-ace people. This influences how the expression, intensity, and frequency of romantic or sexual attraction; it doesn't turn the dials all the way down for anybody.), I'm wondering what it's like for the rest of you???

How has this influenced any relationships you've been in or your decision not to be? Are you just aromantic, just asexual, or both? If you are one or the other, what makes you say that and how do you experience allosexuality or alloromanticism? When did you figure out that you were asexual, aromantic, or both? Are you autistic, as many of us experience personal attraction differently?

Would you prefer a conventional romantic relationship or something queerplatonic?

I think I'd like something queerplatonic. It's like a committed friendship with romantic and sexual elements agreed upon by both people, and if I have some attraction for a person, it's usually queerplatonic feelings: not fully platonic, but not really romantic or sexual either. It's something else entirely and I'm not even sure how to parse through it. I don't have that drive to pursue either like allosexuals. It just is what it is for me.

What are some opinions about things in this community? For instance, I think demisexuality (the need to have feelings for someone in order to have sex with them or to have sexual attraction for them), while a valid sexuality marker, isn't asexuality. It can be for someone who's already asexual, as in someone who's frequency and intensity of sexual attraction is low. In isolation, though, I don't think it's enough to call A-spec or be considered A-spec, because many allosexuals need to have feelings for someone/an established relationship based on romantic feelings with someone in order to have sex with them or have noticeable sexual attraction for them. That's not something uniquely asexual??? And if it takes romantic feeling to have sexual attraction to somebody, if the intensity and frequency of this sexual attraction to other people isn't low, then are you even asexual or just have standards? Idk, but that was just an example on opinions you may have about the community or what the A-spec is.​

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not really sure what my sexuality is. It's more like I have normal desires in terms of fantasy. Although in reality- I would likely feel too uncomfortable to engage in anything. Uncoincidentally- all my crushes have likely been unrequited limerence. Even when there were small chances of them being more- I ran away.

Mostly because I'm repulsed by how I look. So- I find the idea of me engaging in anything sexual repulsive and embarassing- in reality anyway. I suppose in truth too- I'm not attracted by either genitalia.

I think my attitudes were initially formed by being raised with very prudish values. But then, I was never really a typical woman either.

I am mostly demisexual I suppose. I don't tend to sexually desire people I feel no connection to. Even if that connection is more imaginary! I agree with you though- being demisexual surely doesn't make someone asexual. It just means they need certain things to feel that way.

 

[darksouls]

asex but not aro

 

[dreamofnofuture]

asex but not aro

What's it like for you to be asex? And if I may ask, are you not aro because you experience conventional romantic feeling, or is it because you experience romantic feelings at all that you don't consider yourself to be aro??? Just trying to understand as someone who is aro-ace. It's hard to wrap my brain around just being asexual.​

I'm not really sure what my sexuality is. It's more like I have normal desires in terms of fantasy. Although in reality- I would likely feel too uncomfortable to engage in anything. Uncoincidentally- all my crushes have likely been unrequited limerence. Even when there were small chances of them being more- I ran away.

Mostly because I'm repulsed by how I look. So- I find the idea of me engaging in anything sexual repulsive and embarassing- in reality anyway. I suppose in truth too- I'm not attracted by either genitalia.

I think my attitudes were initially formed by being raised with very prudish values. But then, I was never really a typical woman either.

I am mostly demisexual I suppose. I don't tend to sexually desire people I feel no connection to. Even if that connection is more imaginary! I agree with you though- being demisexual surely doesn't make someone asexual. It just means they need certain things to feel that way.

I've had aesthetic attraction to certain people and have had sorta kinda crushes on celebrities where I find them extremely, personally aesthetically appealing.

Sometimes I'll create little scenarios in my head. They didn't have to involve relationships, but sometimes they do as a subplot. I like the tension part, it's interesting. So I get the part where it's in theory/fantasy. Also, creative types do this sorta daydreaming and scenario-creation in their heads.

In practice/reality, I just don't get anything really. Or it's like little sparks of something I can't define here and there because of what a specific person says or does, but not because of the person.

What was your unrequited limerence like? Was for someone IRL? And what were those prudish values that were pushed on you? Could they have influenced that limerence?​

 

[darksouls]

What's it like for you to be asex? And if I may ask, are you not aro because you experience conventional romantic feeling, or is it because you experience romantic feelings at all that you don't consider yourself to be aro??? Just trying to understand as someone who is aro-ace. It's hard to wrap my brain around just being asexual.​

the biggest problem for me is that men cannot accept a romantic relationship without sex,
but I think even if I were " normal " ,
I would still be unhappy in a relationship,
my ex-boyfriends treated me like garbage,
and that has nothing to do with the fact that I have no interest in sex

 

[LigottiIsRight]

Ace here. I've experienced romantic attraction in numerous occasions towards men and women, but that was never accompanied by the desire to have sex with them.
I've had sex in the past, and although I enjoyed it, I could live the rest of my life without it and never miss it.

 

[FoolsExpedition]

i'm not completely sure but i'm in some kind of grey area between asexual and allosexual and sometimes it kinda swings further towards or away from one direction. there was a long period of time was well where i liked sex from a sort of third person perspective? i kind of imagined me but not really me… like a character version of myself to place into these scenarios. but the real deal would make me uncomfortable. not sure if that has a word for it or not.
i'm possibly demisexual? i'm panromantic though i've been starting to question that as of late.
i've had both regular relationships and queerplatonic relationships in the past and both suited me fine.

 

[darksouls]

are you not aro because you experience conventional romantic feeling, or is it because you experience romantic feelings at all that you don't consider yourself to be aro???​

I get along better with animals because animals are gentle and sensitive beings and humans are not,
I am not aro,
because I have lived in harmonious and loving relationships with my pets

 

[Pluto]

 

[bodiless]

My problem is that I want a relationship with all the normal stuff like hugging kissing and going to the park but I'm asexual and extremely sex repulsed, like I'm not exaggerating when I say I feel the same disgust toward porn and female genitals than toward a gore video.

My opinion on asexuality is that it is a normal phase except we're stuck in it. Maybe it's copium but I feel like my disgust toward sex is shared by all of the kids

a kid disgusted by a sex video is not called "asexual" he is called normal. Then he will turn 15 and he will magicaly start to feel excited instead of disgusted by the exact same video.

So instead of viewing my asexuality as a normal sexual orientation I prefer considering that something in my brain is taking more time to develop than the others.

I'm 19 so maybe, in the next few years, if I'm still alive, I will experience my disgust toward sex magically disappearing like it did to everyone else

 

[3spiral]

I'm confused about being aromantic because I feel like I feel attraction more rarely than other people, but also I'm not exactly sure how much do they feel or what is romantic attraction so I could not be

I've felt things for other people before, but they are usually spikes of short term attraction or they are a really strong feeling of admiration and wanting for that person to be happy but at the same time in a really unattached way

for some reason I never really missed people, so it's like I admire you and I deeply wish you to have a great life and would take part of the responsibility for that but I also wouldn't mind if you didn't want me in your life because I care more about your wellness then your closeness. like, even if we never saw each other ever again, while other people seem to struggle to deal with rejections and break ups

I just don't miss people in my life but still care about them idk

 

[K14~♡]

if it takes romantic feeling to have sexual attraction to somebody, if the intensity and frequency of this sexual attraction to other people isn't low, then are you even asexual or just have standards?

I'm not sure if I count in any way cuz the only sexual attraction I've ever felt in my life was only towards my 2nd ex...For other people, even the ones I had romantic feelings for, I didn't feel any sexual attraction at all

with romantic and sexual elements agreed upon by both people

I think this should be the ideal too, I find it sorta strange otherwise. Like every relationship is different, can't we customize it ourselves and be loving partners no matter how we are?

 

[coolcow1289]

I think we gotta chill with the coming up with names for everything lmao. We can have relationship preferences without torturing poor Merriam Webster

 

[Lamentice]

I think we gotta chill with the coming up with names for everything lmao. We can have relationship preferences without torturing poor Merriam Webster

I'm always so baffled by takes like this.. like what do you mean "We gotta stop expanding language", as if that's not the antithesis to linguistics.

 

[Echo]

Asexual here, I dont want to engage in any sexual activity whatsoever. I still crave a romantic relationship though. But the dating pool for aces is so small I have given up hope of being in an ace relationship

 

[dreamofnofuture]

I'm always so baffled by takes like this.. like what do you mean "We gotta stop expanding language", as if that's not the antithesis to linguistics.

Agreed. Like, as our understanding and culture around sexuality evolves, we're gonna need terms for certain people. It's just a very anti-intellectual and very inconsiderate take on the unique experiences of A-spec ppl, and just groups of people that don't get considered on the grand society stage.​

I'm not sure if I count in any way cuz the only sexual attraction I've ever felt in my life was only towards my 2nd ex...For other people, even the ones I had romantic feelings for, I didn't feel any sexual attraction at all

Sounds pretty asexual. The frequency of sexual attraction is quite low. The intensity of it, comparable to allosexuals, might've been all right or low as well.​

I think this should be the ideal too, I find it sorta strange otherwise. Like every relationship is different, can't we customize it ourselves and be loving partners no matter how we are?

Most people aren't brave enough to follow paths that aren't already laid out for them. So they think relationships are supposed to involve a bunch of passionate dates, complete and total monogamy, talk of marriage and kids.

Like, I personally don't want to get married or really want kids, especially someone I haven't psychologically evaluated myself. I don't want the traditional relationship. Allosexuals are too concerned with fitting in, and then once they are in a relationship, most times they aren't thinking straight. They get married and have kids to the wrong people because they don't ask questions, and they don't ask the hard questions until it's too late and they're already three years into a relationship.​

i'm not completely sure but i'm in some kind of grey area between asexual and allosexual and sometimes it kinda swings further towards or away from one direction. there was a long period of time was well where i liked sex from a sort of third person perspective? i kind of imagined me but not really me… like a character version of myself to place into these scenarios. but the real deal would make me uncomfortable. not sure if that has a word for it or not.

That still sounds pretty asexual. The term "greysexual" just dilutes the experiences and validity of people who don't have the classic "I never imagine sex nor do I want to" many people think of as "true" asexuality when that's just an extreme version of it. It's completely on the asexual side of the spectrum, but then again, it's a spectrum.

Many ace people enjoy sex because they have a libido and maybe a partner that make them comfortable enough to do those things with. They just don't have a sexual attraction to a person, you see? Or they don't experience it often and when it comes, it's not strong feelings. It's about acts and concepts that arouse them, not really the person who's doing it.

Aesthetic attraction is possible, though, in these contexts. Not that I imagine myself with real people but I could never imagine doing intimate things with someone I personally am not aesthetically attracted to. I need to be made comfortable for that, and that idea doesn't make me comfortable.
​

i'm possibly demisexual? i'm panromantic though i've been starting to question that as of late.

i've had both regular relationships and queerplatonic relationships in the past and both suited me fine.

I'd like a queerplatonic one. A regular one is a straight-up no for me. But you likely just have more open-mindedness/tolerance for that stuff than I do.​

Asexual here, I dont want to engage in any sexual activity whatsoever. I still crave a romantic relationship though. But the dating pool for aces is so small I have given up hope of being in an ace relationship

The dating scene has been kicking many people's ass. I'm not active in it, nor do I see myself as being so in the future. It's just not important to me. But in general, the dating pool is so bad. Nobody actually wants to commit. They just want friends with benefits without the friends part or three-year situationships, all of which include some amount of sexual activity involved.

Or they do want an actual relationship but they just wouldn't make a good partner. The different priorities or complete lack of priorities is a major issue for people who are looking currently for something serious. And lots of people will lead the person looking for legit relationship on, talking about just wanting to with the flow, when they never really meant it. So many people are just having their time wasted because of these games that typically allosexuals play, it's ridiculous. The nerve, man…​

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had aesthetic attraction to certain people and have had sorta kinda crushes on celebrities where I find them extremely, personally aesthetically appealing.

Sometimes I'll create little scenarios in my head. They didn't have to involve relationships, but sometimes they do as a subplot. I like the tension part, it's interesting. So I get the part where it's in theory/fantasy. Also, creative types do this sorta daydreaming and scenario-creation in their heads.

In practice/reality, I just don't get anything really. Or it's like little sparks of something I can't define here and there because of what a specific person says or does, but not because of the person.

What was your unrequited limerence like? Was for someone IRL? And what were those prudish values that were pushed on you? Could they have influenced that limerence?

Unrequited limerence was awful! Yes- it was people in real life. Four people in total, although weirdly the first, I didn't have so many sexual fantasies about. It was around 13+ years of my life. By the end of it, I was beginning to see how harmful it was overall. It felt borderline psychotic with compulsively obsessing about them!

Crushes on fictional characters I suppose can be as obsessional as limerence for me but- they are far safer for me. Seeing as I know from the start- they're fictional. There's no chance of them happening- obviously. There's also no possibility of feeling heart broken or humiliated by them finding out how I feel.

Prudish as in- 'No sex before marriage. Casual sex is wrong' etc. But yes- I imagine that also played a part in limerence. As in- I had to be in love with these people if I felt sexually attracted to them.

Do you wish you felt differently? Do you feel like you missed out? I'm grateful simply not to care so much now- to be honest.

 

[dreamofnofuture]

Unrequited limerence was awful! Yes- it was people in real life. Four people in total, although weirdly the first, I didn't have so many sexual fantasies about. It was around 13+ years of my life. By the end of it, I was beginning to see how harmful it was overall. It felt borderline psychotic with compulsively obsessing about them!

Crushes on fictional characters I suppose can be as obsessional as limerence for me but- they are far safer for me. Seeing as I know from the start- they're fictional. There's no chance of them happening- obviously. There's also no possibility of feeling heart broken or humiliated by them finding out how I feel.

Prudish as in- 'No sex before marriage. Casual sex is wrong' etc. But yes- I imagine that also played a part in limerence. As in- I had to be in love with these people if I felt sexually attracted to them.

Do you wish you felt differently? Do you feel like you missed out? I'm grateful simply not to care so much now- to be honest.

I feel blessed in a way that I'm aro-ace. For a year or so, I did feel like I was missing out but that was when I was more conformative, if that's a word, in thought and lonely. I felt like getting in relationships and doing sexual stuff was what I should've been doing.

I could've found somebody, but deep down I knew that wasn't really something I wanted.

What do you think caused your limerence, if you don't mind my asking? Do you also have issues with maladaptive daydreaming? Did you only watch these people from a distance, or did you get to know them personally?

In the past I read a little on the limerence subreddit and saw some stories of people getting with the object of their obsession (I forgot the term they use for it on there) and it just wasn't the same. It was too real. Maybe it would've been like that for you, as most people with limerence love the idea of the person they can't stop thinking about, not the actual person themselves because they don't actually know them, yk? Sounds like torture. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.​

 

[Forever Sleep]

What do you think caused your limerence, if you don't mind my asking? Do you also have issues with maladaptive daydreaming? Did you only watch these people from a distance, or did you get to know them personally?

I've read that limerence can develop because of neglect in childhood. My parents/ caregivers weren't neglectful practically although, my childhood was pretty disrupted. My Mum died when I was 3. My Dad remarried when I was 10. I suppose I did feel somewhat replaced then. So- maybe it was that. I had issues which caused my initial ideation with my step family. I think my obsessive crushes on people were partly out of the need to find connection and family elsewhere. How about you? Do you think your attitudes were formed in your childhood?

Yes, maladaptive dreaming was very much a part of it. I tend to think the two go hand in hand. Mostly, it was admiring from a distance although, with a couple we were bordering on being friends.

That makes sense though- that actually having a relationship with them would be very different. I imagine it could be very difficult on both people. Seeing as we may be 'in love' with an idealised version of them.

Like you remembered, I've heard it called a 'limerent object'. The term is quite fascinating really. In the throws of it, I would have felt it insulting. I would also have found the term 'limerence' insulting- because I was so sure I was in love with these people as people- for who they actually were.

In reality though, it's more like I would cherry pick their best bits to love. What confused me- was that when bad stuff happened. They were unkind, selfish or revealed another side to them- I felt like- because I still 'loved' them- it must be real love. When in reality- I would go off them a day or two and then be back in love with the fantasy.

What I find more confusing is- I imagine a lot of crushes start out similar to limerence. We can't stop thinking about a person. It does seem obsessive and somewhat unrealistic with some people. I suppose the difference is that with limerence, it continues on like that- sometimes for years. I suppose my longest crush was 7 years! What a waste of time really.

The really bizarre part is- he died a few years back and, I didn't feel much at all. So- obviously- it couldn't have been love. I tended to think he used people. He knew he was attractive and I think he played on that. Not sexually- funnily enough. But anyhow- I felt like that was cruel so- if anything, I was kind of relieved that more women wouldn't be pulled into all that. (Obviously, attractive women sometimes use the same tactics.)

 

[X-sanguinate86]

I think a part of me wants to be romantic but I can't be very romantic since I also think it's highly credible that so much of human relations are biologically determined. I like the idea of being destined or somehow bound to another person due to a higher order and I don't see the point of life without emotions but then I question the basis of the emotions and see the stark reality of nature as a sobering explanation for almost everything.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think this world should be destroyed.