are we all just kidding ourselves?

[hunterfla]

First I want to be clear that I appreciate and empathize with the struggles of everyone on this forum, as I have my own and they are undoubtedly similar to many others. However, I often wonder, when reading through threads titled "tonight is the night" or something similar...are we just seeking attention or solace, or something else? Nearly every time that I engage in such a post, the OP doesn't go through with it for one reason or another. I'm glad...because hopefully they found a reason to live...but I was just curious if anyone else noticed this trend. I myself have set and delayed my ctb dozens of times, so in no way am I casting judgement..but I haven't yet made a "taking SN in 2 hours, goodbye world" post either. If or when I do, it will be my last post. Love and respect to all xoxoxoxoxo

 

[CassieHoward]

i can't speak to every single case, but sometimes people just want to feel cared about and, more than that, validated. some call that attention seeking, i find it normal.

 

[akirat9]

no not

 

[hunterfla]

i can't speak to every single case, but sometimes people just want to feel cared about and, more than that, validated. some call that attention seeking, i find it normal.

Thanks for your perspective..I get that. I am happy to be a friend/ear to anyone who wants/needs it.

 

[FuneralCry]

If people want to back out of their attempt then there is nothing wrong with that, if someone chooses to ctb or they don't for whatever reason then that is none of our business, people have the right to either live or die, it's up to them. Also ctb can be difficult as after all humans have to overcome the SI and after all life is unpredictable and things can interfere with ctb plans. I don't think that people's personal decisions over what to do with their own life is a trend to be examined on the internet by strangers, we don't really know what others are going through after all as we are not experiencing their life, it's best to be respectful.

 

[Cerulea]

Pain is a messy mistress. That kind of brain activity will have you swinging back and forth between branches of thought you may not have encountered before.

I think it's possible that some people post things and they're not sure what they need - they're in crisis. I don't judge that. Maybe they need a thread of humanity to cling to in order to live, maybe they need to be reminded of the murky parts of life they've experienced so they can let go. I don't think it's conscious. And if it is, so be it. Someone out there isn't supplying them with what they need, themselves included. We can't know what goes on in the minds of the billions humans walking around. Shit, I'd be half-satisfied to know what's going on in my own mind.

 

[Pluto]

Sounds like there could be some survivor bias happening there. Those who have left this world do not have the ability to post from the afterlife and argue that their suicide attempts were legitimate, hence we are left with the impression that none of them are.

Many people here, if not all of us, have been denied validation at many levels and have a certain desire for attention. For as long as people are acting in good faith, it is OK to be confused or conflicted, to have a change of heart, to back out of an attempt, etc.

There was a girl last year who backed out of an attempt. Her thread turned into a battle ground between people accusing her of attention-seeking and those defending her. It was quite an ugly display given her state of distress. With a modified method, she tried again soon after and the reality of the situation hit home when her death notice appeared online.

I'd rather fall for a disingenuous troll or 2 than carry a hardened cynicism that would stop me from showing care for someone in distress.

 

[NeverReallyHere]

Everybody's kidding themselves, until they aren't.

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

I have been through the whole SN regimen. Last time I posted I had prepared everything, including finances, fasted, taken all the anti emetics and pain killers, cleaned my home, done my hair etc etc and couldn't take more than a sip.

Since then, I have (quietly) tried multiple more times but never even got as far as drinking.

It absolutely terrifies me, though I accept it as a distinct possibility, that I am kidding myself that I will ever be able to drink it despite me being absolutely sure I don't want to live. I don't fear being dead but I do fear so much about dying. Even the thought of lying there knowing I'm dying makes my heart pound out of my chest and feel sick. Today was supposed to be my new last day and I just couldn't do it. It's not for attention or validation. I'm just stuck. And drowning.

 

[FrozenMango]

I think most of the posters are either serious or impulsive. The might be scared, lost, unsure,...etc. I wouldn't call that attention seeking due to the stigma behind it

 

[Cryptonite]

Your post really hit me. I cannot allow this to happen. I have to overcome it. I must, there is no other way. I don't want to fool myself.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

I'm impressed that as many go through with it as they do. Threads like 'ctb in a week' I don't pay much attention to but ones titled 'goodbye' or 'taking my sn tonight' I skim through for the 'drank my sn' post. I've only seen one poster flat out lie about it but for the most part they manage one more 'just vomited' or 'harrt beting fdst' and are never heard from again.

 

[Venus13]

Everybody's kidding themselves, until they aren't.

That's some real shit right there

 

[darkwaters]

I think that killing yourself in a planned out way is very hard. Your brain is wired hard to not do that even when you logically want to. This is why like a ridiculously high percentage of successful suicides involve some kind of strong intoxication to disinhibit people, and a large number of them are impulsive. If you think about it too hard for too long your brain really does try to stop you.

 

[Himalayan]

First I want to be clear that I appreciate and empathize with the struggles of everyone on this forum, as I have my own and they are undoubtedly similar to many others. However, I often wonder, when reading through threads titled "tonight is the night" or something similar...are we just seeking attention or solace, or something else? Nearly every time that I engage in such a post, the OP doesn't go through with it for one reason or another. I'm glad...because hopefully they found a reason to live...but I was just curious if anyone else noticed this trend. I myself have set and delayed my ctb dozens of times, so in no way am I casting judgement..but I haven't yet made a "taking SN in 2 hours, goodbye world" post either. If or when I do, it will be my last post. Love and respect to all xoxoxoxoxo

Perhaps. I have attempted things in a reckless manner before, but right now it definitely feels like empty words.
It's not bad though, if you do have the means. When you're truly fucked, when despair is unbearable already, no SI will hold you.

 

[darkwaters]

Perhaps. I have attempted things in a reckless manner before, but right now it definitely feels like empty words.
It's not bad though, if you do have the means. When you're truly fucked, when despair is unbearable already, no SI will hold you.

Nah. People who commit to pretty hardcore methods such as jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge who have survived often report SI kicking in on the way down, the usual bull shit "permanent solution to a temporary problem" or whatever…and then within a few weeks or months they attempt again because it was just SI telling them that. This is why the biggest risk factor for a successful suicide is past history of suicide attempts- it usually takes people a few tries. But SI is a real thing and not a logical process

 

[Himalayan]

Nah. People who commit to pretty hardcore methods such as jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge who have survived often report SI kicking in on the way down, the usual bull shit "permanent solution to a temporary problem" or whatever…and then within a few weeks or months they attempt again because it was just SI telling them that. This is why the biggest risk factor for a successful suicide is past history of suicide attempts- it usually takes people a few tries. But SI is a real thing and not a logical process

Never said SI wasn't there. I said it won't hold you back

 

[Unhirable]

yes

 

[ernesto]

I have been through the whole SN regimen. Last time I posted I had prepared everything, including finances, fasted, taken all the anti emetics and pain killers, cleaned my home, done my hair etc etc and couldn't take more than a sip.

Since then, I have (quietly) tried multiple more times but never even got as far as drinking.

It absolutely terrifies me, though I accept it as a distinct possibility, that I am kidding myself that I will ever be able to drink it despite me being absolutely sure I don't want to live. I don't fear being dead but I do fear so much about dying. Even the thought of lying there knowing I'm dying makes my heart pound out of my chest and feel sick. Today was supposed to be my new last day and I just couldn't do it. It's not for attention or validation. I'm just stuck. And drowning.

I'm new here and recently discovered SN method after reading and following the final accounts of someone who blogged their final hours after drinking SN in hotel.
That shit made my heart pound just following reading it. It made me realise how real suicide is. He said his heart started racing then I guess he was gone… no more posts. Just people farewelling over the internet which felt like some eerie suicide cult. Not that they had anything but good wishes, just the whole notion of suicide being so casual was strange to witness for first time… and that's just posts on a forum. I wasn't a member at the time, but I had a hypercritical instinct to reach out to him and tell him not to do it. But he was gone.

I'm glad you bought yourself more time. I hope you you have moments of peace in that time. I don't think I can go through with SN. I already suffer anxiety, the heart rate and anticipation waiting is a no for me. I've chosen the exit bag. I hope you negotiate your suffering and live a long peaceful life.
Wh

Never said SI wasn't there. I said it won't hold you back

Whats SI?

 

[Hollowillow]

I'd rather fall for a disingenuous troll or 2 than carry a hardened cynicism that would stop me from showing care for someone in distress.

Thank you... I wish the person who bullued me by pm to kick me off ss thought like you. I'm a victim of assault like she was... Never mocked people... I do make creepy comics though. And have dark thoughts of revenge. And like bad boys sometimes. But torturing victims... No...

First I want to be clear that I appreciate and empathize with the struggles of everyone on this forum, as I have my own and they are undoubtedly similar to many others. However, I often wonder, when reading through threads titled "tonight is the night" or something similar...are we just seeking attention or solace, or something else? Nearly every time that I engage in such a post, the OP doesn't go through with it for one reason or another. I'm glad...because hopefully they found a reason to live...but I was just curious if anyone else noticed this trend. I myself have set and delayed my ctb dozens of times, so in no way am I casting judgement..but I haven't yet made a "taking SN in 2 hours, goodbye world" post either. If or when I do, it will be my last post. Love and respect to all xoxoxoxoxo

I followed someone's preparations for a week. Hotel, story of going in vacation for work, getting sn supplies... Then, alone, in a scary unknown place, facing death... Her happiness turned to panic... She decided to die at home. I wonder what happened?

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

I'm new here and recently discovered SN method after reading and following the final accounts of someone who blogged their final hours after drinking SN in hotel.
That shit made my heart pound just following reading it. It made me realise how real suicide is. He said his heart started racing then I guess he was gone… no more posts. Just people farewelling over the internet which felt like some eerie suicide cult. Not that they had anything but good wishes, just the whole notion of suicide being so casual was strange to witness for first time… and that's just posts on a forum. I wasn't a member at the time, but I had a hypercritical instinct to reach out to him and tell him not to do it. But he was gone.

I'm glad you bought yourself more time. I hope you you have moments of peace in that time. I don't think I can go through with SN. I already suffer anxiety, the heart rate and anticipation waiting is a no for me. I've chosen the exit bag. I hope you negotiate your suffering and live a long peaceful life.
Wh

That's really kind, thank you. I don't know about other people but the first leaving thread I saw has stayed with me. It was a really young girl who was using the charcoal method in a tent and her last message to was her saying "guys, I think I'm dying" and then she was gone. I saw her obituary and the news articles. She was such a young girl who was absolutely determined that she wanted to be gone and she succeeded. I will never, ever forget her. It broke my heart. And others I've seen after too. I just cannot even put into words how sorry I am and that people suffer in this way in to this extent.

Unfortunately, I'm having to also seriously consider myself whether I can do SN. I too have anxiety and 20 minutes is so long. It's not even just drinking it, I have a horrible feeling that even if I did that utter panic would set in and I would cry out for help.

SI is survival instinct btw.

 

[makethepainstop]

First I want to be clear that I appreciate and empathize with the struggles of everyone on this forum, as I have my own and they are undoubtedly similar to many others. However, I often wonder, when reading through threads titled "tonight is the night" or something similar...are we just seeking attention or solace, or something else? Nearly every time that I engage in such a post, the OP doesn't go through with it for one reason or another. I'm glad...because hopefully they found a reason to live...but I was just curious if anyone else noticed this trend. I myself have set and delayed my ctb dozens of times, so in no way am I casting judgement..but I haven't yet made a "taking SN in 2 hours, goodbye world" post either. If or when I do, it will be my last post. Love and respect to all xoxoxoxoxo

I was having no problem with my plan, until a wonderful person here pointed out that what I had was sodium nitrate, not nitrite. This won't get the job done. My God, I cannot take another failure. So if anyone had a source in the US, please let me know.

 

[Hollowillow]

I'm new here and recently discovered SN method after reading and following the final accounts of someone who blogged their final hours after drinking SN in hotel.
That shit made my heart pound just following reading it. It made me realise how real suicide is. He said his heart started racing then I guess he was gone… no more posts. Just people farewelling over the internet which felt like some eerie suicide cult. Not that they had anything but good wishes, just the whole notion of suicide being so casual was strange to witness for first time… and that's just posts on a forum. I wasn't a member at the time, but I had a hypercritical instinct to reach out to him and tell him not to do it. But he was gone.

I'm glad you bought yourself more time. I hope you you have moments of peace in that time. I don't think I can go through with SN. I already suffer anxiety, the heart rate and anticipation waiting is a no for me. I've chosen the exit bag. I hope you negotiate your suffering and live a long peaceful life.
Wh

Whats SI?

SI is survival instinct

Yes, farewell wishes can be so calm, we look like a cult. In a way I'm happy that I had a massive emotional breakdown, freaking out about how life is cruel, crying... Once I was rather sure that my friend wasn't coming back. I didn't want to stress him on his last moments... But I hope that pro lifer spies will see that YES we're sad to see our friends die... But we'd be sadder to watch them in agony for years... Cult suicide together... I wish we did it on zoom... I need to know how much it hurts when they can no longer type... What if they puke blood & cry for 8h? I'd rather hang myself...

I was having no problem with my plan, until a wonderful person here pointed out that what I had was sodium nitrate, not nitrite. This won't get the job done. My God, I cannot take another failure. So if anyone had a source in the US, please let me know.

If It was me by pm I also provided 2 sources in a quote? Or more people confuse the two? Such an easy mistake. I made a post to warn.
I reply pm slowly but feel free for sources

 

[ernesto]

That's really kind, thank you. I don't know about other people but the first leaving thread I saw has stayed with me. It was a really young girl who was using the charcoal method in a tent and her last message to was her saying "guys, I think I'm dying" and then she was gone. I saw her obituary and the news articles. She was such a young girl who was absolutely determined that she wanted to be gone and she succeeded. I will never, ever forget her. It broke my heart. And others I've seen after too. I just cannot even put into words how sorry I am and that people suffer in this way in to this extent.

Unfortunately, I'm having to also seriously consider myself whether I can do SN. I too have anxiety and 20 minutes is so long. It's not even just drinking it, I have a horrible feeling that even if I did that utter panic would set in and I would cry out for help.

SI is survival instinct btw.

Dam that's so sad . Suicide is already a heartbreaking affair, but kids hit different. It's a painful reminder of how much grief I'm going to cause my loved ones and how hypercritical I am… if a suicide about a random young girl can make me sad, what I'm about to cause my friends and family is so unfair. I want to leave this world with as little negative energy as possible. It's making me kind of reconsider disguising my death as an accident

 

[Hope:-)]

I've seen a lot of people here go since I've been here and I haven't been here too long.

Saying that, I am aware I may not go through with it. I hope to, but I am aware I may not.x

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

I've seen a lot of people here go since I've been here and I haven't been here too long.

Saying that, I am aware I may not go through with it. I hope to, but I am aware I may not.x

I've seen your posts. I can see you struggle with lots of things I struggle with. Solidarity friend <3

 

[iltloml]

A lot of people just want to be cared about. When I finally go I won't be making posts here or leaving suicide notes to my loved ones or tell a single soul that I'm going to do it. I'll just turn off the switch, fight the SI and drag my demons with me to hell.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not sure really. I imagine most are genuine. Really, none of us know what we'll be like when the time comes. I think fear can get to all of us. While I expect the majority of us are pretty confident in our decision we want to do it, carrying it out is another thing. That's what I love about this site though- for the most part- it feels like a support network (in deaths waiting room).

Personally, I would want to create a goodbye thread if I ever have the guts to go ahead with it. I won't be telling anyone else and it would be nice not to feel utterly alone as I'm sure I'll feel terrified. Still, I'd hate the thought that I wouldn't be welcomed back if I lost my nerve or failed at it. I'm not saying you would do that but it can be a bit dodgy suspecting people are faking it. Not I guess if you just think it but voicing it could be incredibly damaging. Not saying you would do that either... but I have seen people call bullshit on goodbye threads here now and again (rarely- thankfully) and honestly, I find it darkly voyeuristic- like- I came here to see a death- so- where is it?

I do take your point but we really have no way of knowing if someone is genuine so I guess we have to take most things seriously.

 

[Mofreeko]

It's confirmation bias. Those that successfully ctb get their threads buried over the months and years and the ones that are unable to ctb for whatever reason keep making/replying to new threads so they're the ones you see on the front page.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Until you walk in another's shoes.....................................................