Discussion Are Some of Us Simply Destined for Suicide?

[ShatteredQueen]

I've been clinically depressed and suicidal for the majority of my life, and I know others are in the same proverbial boat. In fact, I always assumed that everyone at least thinks about suicide during middle and high school, if not other ages as well. I mean, it's normal, right? What teen doesn't consider punching out?

Then I met my ex.

He and I were opposites in some ways. At the same age when I was cutting myself and overdosing on whatever pills I could find, he'd been popular, a football player, and from a wealthy family. (Yeah, I know... That relationship was doomed from the start. Stupid me.) Imagine my complete and utter shock when I learned that, according to him, he had never once considered or attempted suicide. Not one single time. Not even in his teen years. WTF? Then he threw me off even more by saying that none of his friends had either.

I cried my eyes out that night. I screamed about how painfully unfair it was that some people's lives are just so smooth and cushy and trouble-free that the idea that escaping into death would be easier never even occurs to them while the rest of us suffer being battered and broken every day. (Especially when those are often the same people who did their best to push the rest of us into early graves.)

However, upon further reflection, I realized that that wasn't entirely fair. The first time I can remember imagining dying and feeling positive about it, I was eight years old: definitely not an adolescent yet. It also occurred to me that, in all my years, I have never seriously considered that my life might end in any way other than suicide. Perhaps this is because of fighting clinical depression, which is every bit as much a deadly disease as cancer, (although others don't see it that way because there are no physical manifestations. Any way, I have always known I would die by suicide.) I realized that on some level I had always known inevitable, a foregone conclusion. The only choice I have is how long I am going to fight to continue living.

I have come to believe that some of us are simply destined for this: that we have no more choice in the matter than someone who perishes from leukemia or lupus. We can battle it as long as we are able, but we know how it is eventually going to end. In a way, that's almost strangely comforting... I already know what my last moments are likely to be.

Does anyone else agree with this? Do you feel the same or differently? And how do you deal with knowing that you are one of those cursed to die by your own hand?

 

[Zegers]

he'd been popular, a football player, and from a wealthy family

So hollywood movies are real lol

But think about it, why would you think about ctb if you are healthy and enjoy a nice and calmy life?
I've thought about it, and maybe that's the way it is. Some people are destined to die in a plane crash or win the lottery, why wouldn't someone be destined for usual ctb?

I hope that one day we can also be happy.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

definitely, a lot of the demographics I'm apart of have insanely high suicide rates

 

[Euthanza]

Yes I feel the same at least for me, I know I want suicide as my decision and I'm determined. Although there's quite opposing view about it, according to CDC only 10% of attempters completed suicide, and 90% are getting prevented to go after with normal life; but as you can see yourself in this forum, lesser than 10% of subthreads that are sticking in recovery section.

I think to die by my own hands is better idea than not knowing how and when you're gonna die, I do afraid that I will fail or have to resort to someone else's decision, that will be disaster consequence raised from the current system. I consider myself a person that hasn't much control over my own life, so the dream of someday being in control of my end of life is quite fascinating booze to stay alive and to end it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

But think about it, why would you think about ctb if you are healthy and enjoy a nice and calmy life?

Some do. How about some in the Hollywood crowd that CTBs? They have a nice, cushy, rich existence, and still ctb. I do think it's a chemical imbalance for some people. Not all. But, some.

 

[Achlys]

It certainly seems like it. Perhaps having been suicidal for so long has warped my perspective, but I get the sense that I would die to suicide even were I to become happy one day. I will admit a part of me feels it's somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy, though.

 

[Zegers]

Some do

you are right but i mean, healthy in a nice life you are able to entertain yourself with minimal things for years also don't have that mental state that comes from depression that you feel low all the time, when you have depression or anxiety or any kind of health issue you can't entertain yourself with practically nothing and you are stuck in this misery all the time.

Anyway, every person is different but there are some signs that predispose you more to it.

 

[Hurt]

you are right but i mean, healthy in a nice life you are able to entertain yourself with minimal things for years also don't have that mental state that comes from depression that you feel low all the time, when you have depression or anxiety or any kind of health issue you can't entertain yourself with practically nothing and you are stuck in this misery all the time.

You made it pretty clear

 

[ShatteredQueen]

So hollywood movies are real lol

But think about it, why would you think about ctb if you are healthy and enjoy a nice and calmy life?
I've thought about it, and maybe that's the way it is. Some people are destined to die in a plane crash or win the lottery, why wouldn't someone be destined for usual ctb?

I hope that one day we can also be happy.

Now that you say it that way, it really does sound like a character from a movie, doesn't it? Considering how dishonest it turned out he was being, I wonder if some of that was a lie, too?

Some do. How about some in the Hollywood crowd that CTBs? They have a nice, cushy, rich existence, and still ctb. I do think it's a chemical imbalance for some people. Not all. But, some.

I completely agree that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Clinical depression is a deadly disease as real as any other... It's not like my life is completely horrible from the outside looking in. I mean, although it's far from wealthy and easy, I know my existence is far better than many others. Yet I still want to end it. I still have to fight that impulse every day. And you're right, it's the disease, the chemical imbalance, not me myself.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have suffered from depression during periods throughout my life. Suicide never crossed my mind until a year ago. Most people I know are not even close to suicidal. I've basically spent the last year on a couch. I don't know anybody else that's gone through this. It's pretty extreme.

 

[ShatteredQueen]

It certainly seems like it. Perhaps having been suicidal for so long has warped my perspective, but I get the sense that I would die to suicide even were I to become happy one day. I will admit a part of me feels it's somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy, though.

That's sort of how I feel... It's not just that I sometimes actively want to, it's also that, even when I am happy for a little while, I feel completely certain, deep down, that it is what is destined to happen. But sometimes I worry that I only feel that way because I am suicidal. Which is the cause and which is the effect? I don't know.

I have suffered from depression during periods throughout my life. Suicide never crossed my mind until a year ago. Most people I know are not even close to suicidal. I've basically spent the last year on a couch. I don't know anybody else that's gone through this. It's pretty extreme.

Wow. That concept feels so strange to me. I legitimately feel that, if people were all completely honest, you could ask a large crowd who had considered suicide before and 90% or so would raise their hands. I know myself and most or all of my friends at least thought about it back in middle and high school, although I am the only one who never got better mentally. Anyway, all this time, I just thought suicidal ideation was a normal part of teenage angst. Maybe it is for some generations or demographics. I don't know.

I have suffered from depression during periods throughout my life. Suicide never crossed my mind until a year ago. Most people I know are not even close to suicidal. I've basically spent the last year on a couch. I don't know anybody else that's gone through this. It's pretty extreme.

Oh, believe me, you're not alone. I spent days at a time in bed before, and only got up because someone had to take care of my cats and I love them too much to let them suffer. I have known someone who spent a year on the couch after their spouse died, too. You're not alone, I promise.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, of course I feel destined for suicide and I think that it is likely that many people are. There is absolutely nothing here for me in this world and I have never wanted to live at all. Suicide has always made sense for me, I was never able to imagine myself having any kind of future. I would rather die at a time of my own choosing rather than die from something else, but in my case I feel trapped in this world as it is difficult for me to actually go through with suicide, I fear the method failing.

It is comforting the thought of being dead and I have never been able to understand how anyone could ever want to live at all, to me non existence is always preferable to any kind of life. Life is just endless problems and suffering with no limit as to how bad things can get, while to me death is true peace, it is freedom from everything that is wrong with existing.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I don't know... I was depressed as a child that transitioned into adolescence and adulthood. I was miserable almost all my life. But I turned suicidal after major traumatic event and my depression went to another level of soul crushing pain.
I wish I have done it in 2019.

 

[Ash’Girl]

Complete agreement. Being clinically depressed and making my first attempt at age 12, with many more over the years, I always had some sort of milestone I was convinced of in my head. I never thought I'd make it to 18, then 21, then 25, then 30. The thoughts were still there through my early 30s but the impulse attempts had lessened a lot, mostly because of what I'd learned through trial and error with failed attempts, most of which nobody actually knows about, because I never wanted intervention. I never wanted to be saved.

The thoughts and impulses are now back with a vengeance and all I know is that I am exhausted with living. I do think that suicide is how I will die. I've thought that since pre-teen years.

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

I have come to believe that some of us are simply destined for this: that we have no more choice in the matter than someone who perishes from leukemia or lupus. We can battle it as long as we are able, but we know how it is eventually going to end. In a way, that's almost strangely comforting... I already know what my last moments are likely to be.

Honestly, I feel the EXACT same way and always have about myself.

I can't even remember how I even knew about suicide, except that I once wrote a goodbye note to my parents around 7 or 8 years old and then tried to hang myself with string (I didn't work, of course).

I've never thought about dying old or even how I'd die because I always knew it would be by suicide. And no matter what mess I got myself in, it's like the universe would say "oh, we both know it doesn't end like this, you know what you have to do to end things".

I've tried so hard not to give in but every single week it's a struggle. I can't string together more than a few weeks without think about how the universe keeps on reminding me that I'm the one who ends all of this. Of course, it's made every relationship I've had almost impossible for the other person to stick around and I don't blame them either.

These days, it's a battle of hanging myself in a quiet & unused forest near my place or going to the same forest and setting up a tent with charcoal and drifting off with the carbon monoxide. I went through the forest recently, I found my spot, I highly doubt anyone will find me for a long time, which is kinda what I want.

I find it comforting too… my destiny was already decided before I was even born. Even more comforting is the fact I've dreamt (since I was a kid) of this amazing building I think I lived in, complete with ivy on the walls, gorgeous big thick lead windows, definitely before the turn of the 20th century architecture. I'm so happy when I have this dream, like I'm going home again to see old friends from the past, like I was truly happy being there at a time before this life. Maybe in a parallel universe I'm there, that would be nice.

I'm sorry about your situation too but I completely understand what you're going through too.

 

[blacktrain98]

Evolution and variation helps the species as a whole survive. But that means a bunch of us are going to be fucked over in this lottery. Sometimes the hand you are given just doesn't work with the society and environment that we are in.

Suicide is not our only choice, but life keeps presenting it in front of us incessantly.

I've been feeling like this for so many years. Sometimes I don't want to die, but I've fully come to terms with the fact I'm going to kill myself. Atm I'm just leaching along in life and taking in the sights before it bubbles up again and I call it quits.

 

[helba]

I cannot fathom what it's like to be so okay that suicide or depression never touches a person's mind. I had been unhappy for the majority of my childhood, but my depression hit hard at 12 years old, I am now 30. At 12, I remember the first time I thought about suicide. I was in the bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet, there was a myriad selection of OTC meds and prescriptions inside. Spontaneously, a thought came to me something along the lines of, "Oh, if I take all of these, I could die." (I did not attempt anything then, and I know now that OD'ing on random meds would probably not be successful.) But the option had appeared to me, it was an epiphany of sorts. The depression and thoughts of killing myself never left me, and have been with me most every single day for 18 years.

Naturally, things like 401K's, saving for a house, and other long term life building actions always seemed irrelevant to me. And I denied them as simply as passing on a plate of food you don't like. I've always known that dying by my own hands was an inevitability, and subconsciously, my life actions have always reflected this.

I truly wish more people saw clinical depression as the deadly disease that it is, just like you said. I've tried to fight back in every way I can: years of therapy, a long list of psych meds (that do not work because I have 'treatment resistant depression'), building relationships, and every other self-help thing under the sun. And yet, every fight circles back to same inevitable conclusion.

As far as dealing with what I know I am destined for. Personally, I have recently found some peace looking back at my life and seeing how hard I fought. I know I've earnestly tried everything I could, and it all failed. It may seem odd that this gives me peace. I've recently felt more forgiving, and gentle to myself. I've fought the good fight for almost two decades now. And it feels like it's soon time to lay down my sword, so to speak.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with clinical depression for so long, it can be exhausting. Although I wish we weren't in the same boat, it's comforting to know that someone out there feels the same. Please know you are not alone. I am sending you much hugs and support. I hope you are doing well <3

 

[blue_muse]

I can relate. Not everyone has a place within life. I've known for a while that I'm the puzzle piece that just can't fit.

Society should heed caution instead of forcing toxic positivity, on those who are margainalised through no fault of their own.

 

[Zegers]

sound like a character from a movie, doesn't it?

It sounds strange for those of us who are not Americans, but i guess in US a popular football player from a typical wealthy family is common in fine schools, colleges. Here people don't play American football, they play soccer (football in EU) or basket and so on.

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

I agree, and I feel as though I'm destined for it.

My dissatisfaction with the cruelty of this world can only be held off for so long. I wasn't meant for this world. When I was younger, I tried to convince myself otherwise, and hold out hope in spite of my suicidal ideation and depression. Now I've accepted that unless something totally random takes me out beforehand, I'm catching the bus at some point. It's just a matter of when.

 

[ShatteredQueen]

I agree, and I feel as though I'm destined for it.

My dissatisfaction with the cruelty of this world can only be held off for so long. I wasn't meant for this world. When I was younger, I tried to convince myself otherwise, and hold out hope in spite of my suicidal ideation and depression. Now I've accepted that unless something totally random takes me out beforehand, I'm catching the bus at some point. It's just a matter of when.

That is an excellent way to word it. I feel the same way. Granted, there are a few things about this world I like--quiet cafes, bookstores, autumn nights, sunsets, rain music--but they are too few and too far between. They are glimpses of momentary happiness in a world that otherwise chafes and burns. Like you, I don't belong here, either.

I can relate. Not everyone has a place within life. I've known for a while that I'm the puzzle piece that just can't fit.

Society should heed caution instead of forcing toxic positivity, on those who are margainalised through no fault of their own.

I agree completely with all of this.

Yes, of course I feel destined for suicide and I think that it is likely that many people are. There is absolutely nothing here for me in this world and I have never wanted to live at all. Suicide has always made sense for me, I was never able to imagine myself having any kind of future. I would rather die at a time of my own choosing rather than die from something else, but in my case I feel trapped in this world as it is difficult for me to actually go through with suicide, I fear the method failing.

It is comforting the thought of being dead and I have never been able to understand how anyone could ever want to live at all, to me non existence is always preferable to any kind of life. Life is just endless problems and suffering with no limit as to how bad things can get, while to me death is true peace, it is freedom from everything that is wrong with existing.

I completely agree. I feel like death will bring peace, freedom, and comfort. I feel like I will finally make sense and belong somewhere. However, like you, I am afraid of what will happen if an attempted suicide fails, leaving me even more mentally damaged, physically disabled, and probably locked in a psych ward somewhere by my well-meaning but misguided family.

 

[ojinzo]

I've been clinically depressed and suicidal for the majority of my life, and I know others are in the same proverbial boat. In fact, I always assumed that everyone at least thinks about suicide during middle and high school, if not other ages as well. I mean, it's normal, right? What teen doesn't consider punching out?

Then I met my ex.

He and I were opposites in some ways. At the same age when I was cutting myself and overdosing on whatever pills I could find, he'd been popular, a football player, and from a wealthy family. (Yeah, I know... That relationship was doomed from the start. Stupid me.) Imagine my complete and utter shock when I learned that, according to him, he had never once considered or attempted suicide. Not one single time. Not even in his teen years. WTF? Then he threw me off even more by saying that none of his friends had either.

I cried my eyes out that night. I screamed about how painfully unfair it was that some people's lives are just so smooth and cushy and trouble-free that the idea that escaping into death would be easier never even occurs to them while the rest of us suffer being battered and broken every day. (Especially when those are often the same people who did their best to push the rest of us into early graves.)

However, upon further reflection, I realized that that wasn't entirely fair. The first time I can remember imagining dying and feeling positive about it, I was eight years old: definitely not an adolescent yet. It also occurred to me that, in all my years, I have never seriously considered that my life might end in any way other than suicide. Perhaps this is because of fighting clinical depression, which is every bit as much a deadly disease as cancer, (although others don't see it that way because there are no physical manifestations. Any way, I have always known I would die by suicide.) I realized that on some level I had always known inevitable, a foregone conclusion. The only choice I have is how long I am going to fight to continue living.

I have come to believe that some of us are simply destined for this: that we have no more choice in the matter than someone who perishes from leukemia or lupus. We can battle it as long as we are able, but we know how it is eventually going to end. In a way, that's almost strangely comforting... I already know what my last moments are likely to be.

Does anyone else agree with this? Do you feel the same or differently? And how do you deal with knowing that you are one of those cursed to die by your own hand?

I think so .. before I was suicidal, I always thought it strange how my Dad asked me to promise him I'll never commit suicide. Perhaps he had foresight enough to think "when I cut him off and he has to struggle through life alone as a gay black man he'll probably off himself". How right he was.

 

[theboy]

Sometimes I think yes. It's as if life, the universe, destiny or whatever that damn thing is called, gives us signs of dying. It's really frustrating

 

[whatstheporpoise15]

Ever since I was a teen, I always kind of had an inkling in the back of my mind that it would come to this. And I guess it's been a long time coming. I'm sure my loved ones won't be too surprised when it happens.

 

[Job Joad]

I've realized over time that I'm am generally not liked by people and it seems they cannot relate to me or empathize with me. Also because I have not been able to obtain a job that pays a livable wage to live somewhat a decent life I have concluded that suicide is my only option to avoid a long lonely life of starvation. There's little I can do to change my situation, society has to change for me to have a chance.

 

[StarFaded]

Absolutely. Been attempting and thinking about this since I was 10-12 yrs old. I know this is what I have to do. Never more certain about anything else in my life. The longer I drag it, the worse and more painful my life is going to be. There's no point and it's senseless continuing to try and live out this sorry life of mine only to suffer more (and affect the people around me too).

 

[Gloom]

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood, no child should deal with the topic of death alone like that.

I don't think we're cursed. I saw a psychiatrist on youtube call it 'shit life sydrome' which is when a person can't improve no matter the treatments or medications given because of several unfortunate circumstances they must live with. That could be disability, abusive family, poverty, racism, sexual abuse and so on. These factors and their consequences are an immense weight to carry without crumbling, someone like your ex probably didn't deal with this and that's why he never considered to ctb (or if he did he had the opportunity to resolve these factors). This is a simple concept but it's something I'm constantly thinking about and I wonder why ordinary people don't understand.

If humankind as a collective worked to make these factors easier to live with/worth living with, suicide rates wouldn't be rising. That's not to say everyone on this forum should get up and do every good act possible, in a way we're victims and shouldn't be responsible for all the damage inflicted on us. This should be something for people who are so ignorant on the motives of suicide to consider. we're debating our lives here, simply giving us meds and sending us to therapy for a bit won't cut it. these people need to be making a real effort that impacts us. I'm so tired of making up reasons to live, I want to see them in the flesh. And I think this is why I haven't ctb myself because I see the solutions so clearly but no one wants to take the initiative.

It's been a while so I hope you're in a better place, sorry for being ranty I just get so frustrated at these things

 

[Rockman]

If you drown into psychology deep enough you will find that simply you can grow suicidal child and later adult. Determinism fucks us like cheap bitches.

 

[Sparr0w]

i don't believe in fate or predetermined futures....
...but i do remember wondering what death was like at around age 5/6 and thinking i should die so i could see what came after

 

[Scacie]

Definitely, looking back at all the mental disorders and personality disorders I got from my upbringing and environment, in addition to being trans, and compiling the suicide statistics from all my disorders, the numbers ain't pretty...