Discussion Are Some of Us Simply Destined for Suicide?

[missingpeace]

I didn't know that I would but looking at my life now I guess this was the fateful end of my miserable life.

 

[JD_looking_for_avi]

Does anyone else agree with this? Do you feel the same or differently? And how do you deal with knowing that you are one of those cursed to die by your own hand?

I agree. And I feel partially the same. The first time suicide crossed my mind I was 15. For sure I was not living in the best conditions: my father died, living in poverty, struggling to go to school, etc.
But as time goes by I won a lot of fights, finished my masters, got a good job, built a family, start to live in a completely different life where I was supposed to be "happy". However, the thought was always there somewhere inside my head. Sometimes strong as a Master giving my instructions on how to do it and sometimes weak as a sick child asking me to do it. Anyway, after more than 5 decades it still pursues me, and I can say that I will do it probably this week with this feeling of "destiny". I can't explain it, but it is strange to feel after all those years that the only way I imagine my death is killing myself. Never was different.

 

[ShatteredQueen]

i don't believe in fate or predetermined futures....
...but i do remember wondering what death was like at around age 5/6 and thinking i should die so i could see what came after

I had a similar experience. I can remember, when I was around the same age, pretending to be a "spirit." I wanted everyone playing with me to talk about how "they" (their pretend characters) had died, and imagined what it was like to realize one was dead. I found it pretty cool and couldn't understand why adults kept acting like it was creepy.

I agree. And I feel partially the same. The first time suicide crossed my mind I was 15. For sure I was not living in the best conditions: my father died, living in poverty, struggling to go to school, etc.
But as time goes by I won a lot of fights, finished my masters, got a good job, built a family, start to live in a completely different life where I was supposed to be "happy". However, the thought was always there somewhere inside my head. Sometimes strong as a Master giving my instructions on how to do it and sometimes weak as a sick child asking me to do it. Anyway, after more than 5 decades it still pursues me, and I can say that I will do it probably this week with this feeling of "destiny". I can't explain it, but it is strange to feel after all those years that the only way I imagine my death is killing myself. Never was different.

I think a great many of us probably have similar experiences, and that in the end, our lives are really about resisting that voice and making our choices belong to us instead.

If you drown into psychology deep enough you will find that simply you can grow suicidal child and later adult. Determinism fucks us like cheap bitches.

This is, sadly, too often true.

Honestly, I feel the EXACT same way and always have about myself.

I can't even remember how I even knew about suicide, except that I once wrote a goodbye note to my parents around 7 or 8 years old and then tried to hang myself with string (I didn't work, of course).

I've never thought about dying old or even how I'd die because I always knew it would be by suicide. And no matter what mess I got myself in, it's like the universe would say "oh, we both know it doesn't end like this, you know what you have to do to end things".

I've tried so hard not to give in but every single week it's a struggle. I can't string together more than a few weeks without think about how the universe keeps on reminding me that I'm the one who ends all of this. Of course, it's made every relationship I've had almost impossible for the other person to stick around and I don't blame them either.

These days, it's a battle of hanging myself in a quiet & unused forest near my place or going to the same forest and setting up a tent with charcoal and drifting off with the carbon monoxide. I went through the forest recently, I found my spot, I highly doubt anyone will find me for a long time, which is kinda what I want.

I find it comforting too… my destiny was already decided before I was even born. Even more comforting is the fact I've dreamt (since I was a kid) of this amazing building I think I lived in, complete with ivy on the walls, gorgeous big thick lead windows, definitely before the turn of the 20th century architecture. I'm so happy when I have this dream, like I'm going home again to see old friends from the past, like I was truly happy being there at a time before this life. Maybe in a parallel universe I'm there, that would be nice.

I'm sorry about your situation too but I completely understand what you're going through too.

Funny, I have dreams from the past, too. They are mostly not happy dreams, but they are there. Curious... Anyway, thank you for your kind thoughts and I feel sorry for whatever is in your life, too.

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood, no child should deal with the topic of death alone like that.

I don't think we're cursed. I saw a psychiatrist on youtube call it 'shit life sydrome' which is when a person can't improve no matter the treatments or medications given because of several unfortunate circumstances they must live with. That could be disability, abusive family, poverty, racism, sexual abuse and so on. These factors and their consequences are an immense weight to carry without crumbling, someone like your ex probably didn't deal with this and that's why he never considered to ctb (or if he did he had the opportunity to resolve these factors). This is a simple concept but it's something I'm constantly thinking about and I wonder why ordinary people don't understand.

If humankind as a collective worked to make these factors easier to live with/worth living with, suicide rates wouldn't be rising. That's not to say everyone on this forum should get up and do every good act possible, in a way we're victims and shouldn't be responsible for all the damage inflicted on us. This should be something for people who are so ignorant on the motives of suicide to consider. we're debating our lives here, simply giving us meds and sending us to therapy for a bit won't cut it. these people need to be making a real effort that impacts us. I'm so tired of making up reasons to live, I want to see them in the flesh. And I think this is why I haven't ctb myself because I see the solutions so clearly but no one wants to take the initiative.

It's been a while so I hope you're in a better place, sorry for being ranty I just get so frustrated at these things

Of course, humans will NEVER work to make things better for others or for society in general because they are humans. I think all or most of us are aware of the simple truth that humans are the real monsters.

Any way, thank you. I like the term Shit Life Syndrome. You don't need to feel bad about the shit that happened to me back in high school. What I mentioned is barely the tiny tip of the iceberg, but even so there are people here who have endured far worse than me. Don't feel sorry for me. I've made peace with my eventual fate, and I'm living life to the best of my ability until that happens.

 

[Sparx]

Yes it's inevitable for me, it's the only way out of an unacceptable situation but I won't lie I'm scared. But I know I'm going to attempt at some point, I'm starting to feel that it's going to be very soon.

 

[WorthlessCoward]

Kerghan said it best, "Perhaps some souls are born into death they never knew how to live"

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Not destined per say, but I've long decided this is not the life I want to see all the way through.

 

[ShatteredQueen]

"Perhaps some souls are born into death; they never knew how to live"

I love that! What a poignant and true sentiment!

Yes it's inevitable for me, it's the only way out of an unacceptable situation but I won't lie I'm scared. But I know I'm going to attempt at some point, I'm starting to feel that it's going to be very soon.

I understand you. The idea scares me a little, too, but I also feel that when the time is right I'll attempt it again. Until then I plan to fight and live as long as I can, seizing all the of the crumbs of happy moments I can, if for no other reason than to spite humanity. I advise you to do the same.

 

[starrvingstar]

honestly most people are content with their lives if you ask, they've never thought of suicide.