Honestly, I feel the EXACT same way and always have about myself.
I can't even remember how I even knew about suicide, except that I once wrote a goodbye note to my parents around 7 or 8 years old and then tried to hang myself with string (I didn't work, of course).
I've never thought about dying old or even how I'd die because I always knew it would be by suicide. And no matter what mess I got myself in, it's like the universe would say "oh, we both know it doesn't end like this, you know what you have to do to end things".
I've tried so hard not to give in but every single week it's a struggle. I can't string together more than a few weeks without think about how the universe keeps on reminding me that I'm the one who ends all of this. Of course, it's made every relationship I've had almost impossible for the other person to stick around and I don't blame them either.
These days, it's a battle of hanging myself in a quiet & unused forest near my place or going to the same forest and setting up a tent with charcoal and drifting off with the carbon monoxide. I went through the forest recently, I found my spot, I highly doubt anyone will find me for a long time, which is kinda what I want.
I find it comforting too… my destiny was already decided before I was even born. Even more comforting is the fact I've dreamt (since I was a kid) of this amazing building I think I lived in, complete with ivy on the walls, gorgeous big thick lead windows, definitely before the turn of the 20th century architecture. I'm so happy when I have this dream, like I'm going home again to see old friends from the past, like I was truly happy being there at a time before this life. Maybe in a parallel universe I'm there, that would be nice.
I'm sorry about your situation too but I completely understand what you're going through too.