Venting Anytime my FP is gone for more then a day I get suicidal

[CarambaAlbum]

I reckon this is an extremely common problem with those who have BPD. I feel such an intense emotional bond with my FP that when he leaves even just for one day and doesn't go online I get bedridden and depressed and the suicidal ideation begins to creep into my head.

I get these really horrible thoughts about how he secretly hates me and wants me dead so he can just focus on his husband. Other times I feel like it would be a good idea to die so that he doesn't have to deal with me being such a disappointing burden. It feels like mental torture not talking to him at least every day.

I sometimes really wish I wasn't born so I would've never been able to interact with him in the first place and burden his life with my filth. He would be much happier without me, I'm sure of it, no matter how much he says otherwise.

There's no joy in music or art anymore, tooth ache is really bad and I'm on my last Ibiprofen. If I had a shotgun I wouldn't second guess. I hate how we can't just CTB whenever we want, how we have to jump through hoops to go through with it.

Sorry for the rant, this is just seriously on my mind and it's getting worse and worse by the hour.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really must be so dreadful what you are going through, I also hate how suicide is purposely made so difficult in this world, it certainly should be easier to just finally escape from all the suffering.

 

[MrDarkness]

Wow, that sounds extremely awful, I might have bpd, I have extreme abandonment issues, it almost brings to ctb, I hope life gets better for you