Discussion Anyone wish they never stuck around for so long?

[rozeske]

I always think how much easier it all would have been if I had just gone through my ctb plans way sooner. I have always delayed it thinking it would get better, but tbh it never did. There isn't a single substantial thing I managed to accomplish. I would have been better off putting my self out of my misery sooner. It wasn't all a waste, atleast I am now at peace with my decision having tried all that was in my power but I am now wondering was it worth the trouble? I don't think so...

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I've actually come not to regret sticking around for this long since if I caught the bus sooner then I would have died feeling miserable. I've come to want to die while happy so I'm going to work towards trying to find happiness and inner peace with myself. I want to die feeling happy and satisfied, not miserable.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Yes. I originally planned on dying much younger, but it did not happen; I am now left with strong regret for not going through with it. However I also have thoughts of relief that I did not die at that time, because there are still certain things - i.e.: hobbies - that I would have missed out on. This has led to a conflicted mind, because I want to stay alive for enjoyment, but this causes me distress because I will grow old(er), but dying to prevent myself from growing old will also cause feelings of distress because I will miss out on said enjoyment.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'll always regret every day spent where I'm not killing myself. If I killed myself yesterday, I wouldn't be suffering today. If I killed myself two days ago, I wouldn't be suffering yesterday and so forth. So yes, I do regret not killing myself but unfortunately I don't even have much of a choice as the only suicide method that I can access is drowning

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly feel like I've suffered in this existence for way to long, even one second of existing here is one too long to me. I really wish I was never forced into existence at all especially as existence causes nothing but harm, there's nothing desirable about being trapped in this hellish and meaningless existence where there is endless potential for suffering. Human existence is such a terrible tragedy and an abomination to me. I never would have chosen this but of course I did not have a say in that, it's so horrifying how they wish to do all they can to stop people peacefully ceasing to exist despite the fact that none of us consented to any of this, I wish suicide isn't so inaccessible.

 

[unabletocope]

I kept going for as long as I could and yes I wish I had died 10 years ago when I fucked up my life

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I should have gone several years ago, when I first got depressed...

 

[returntothevoid]

I signed my life away 5 years ago when I decided to make the worst mistake of my existence. I feel like a walking corpse right now, I'm just borrowing time.

 

[moshimoshi]

Yes if I would have ctb a couple of months ago like I planned I would have died living in the illusion that people still cared about me, and before everyone left. And died in a place where I feel comfortable and safe. But I couldn't bring myself to step off of the stupid chair

 

[F@#$]

20 something years ago I went into my parents basement with my dad's pistol. I obviously chickened out. Biggest regret ever.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Overall- no. The reasons I've hung on are for the sake of loved ones and I still think that was the right decision. As for me and my own good, I could have saved myself some pain and struggle I suppose. I don't think anything really amazing has happened that made it worth me sticking around for. It's been a whole lot of just about getting through it but I suppose I'm still glad I did so. I still feel like my suicide would have hurt some good people who didn't deserve to go through that. I guess because my life hasn't been outright terrible (which I'm grateful for,) I have been able to hang on. I'm not trying to guilt trip people who feel like they have to leave people behind. I think all our circumstances are unique.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

So.many junctures when I should have gone.

I should have gone when I dropped out of.college at 19. The first ironclad proof that I wasn't cut out for adulthood.

I should have gone after my first hospitalization. There was no way I wss going to want to live with that experience.

I should have gone when I developed my chronic ailment. That was pretty much life punishing me for not going sooner before then. I had no business living with that for s week let alone the decade it has been this month.

 

[INTJme]

If SaSu existed back in 2012 to tell me more about other good ingestible methods except for the only one I knew back then, cyanide, I would've easily ctb-ed. My existence has just been trauma-filled ever since with the occasional ups that were inevitably followed by massive downs. I was foolish to not do more research in the years since until this time around. But better late than never, I guess.

Also, I can now proclaim that I tried my best and gave it my all. The countdown has already begun with 12 days to go and I have no regrets.

 

[Forveleth]

I've been suicidal for 25 years and I regret every minute of gaslighting myself thinking it would get better. How much suffering I could have avoided.

 

[divinemistress36]

Yes , I was naive and believed people that all told me it would "get better" so I kept holding on for so many years despite being utterly miserable

 

[Z-A]

The more I wait the more this life is hurting me in every way. I don't want to wait anymore.

 

[BlendedHeart]

Yeah, I should've died at 30. All this extra time I've been doing is getting more and more insufferable.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I wish I would have killed myself years ago.

I went to get my car inspection sticker and I couldn't tell if it was 1or 2 years ago. Same with my DD sn couldn't tell. Then after checking dates it was 2 years instead of 1. A year passes like a day a blink of an eye. All I did was get my DD SN 2 years old now

 

[Terry A. Davis]

I was going to ctb when I was 18. I'm in my mid 20s now and the only thing that has changed in that time is I have more reason to ctb than I did back then.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Back then I wasn't suicidal it's fairly new for me (slightly over year). Also I didn't have knowledge of any reliable and peaceful methods so in my case it would just not happen

 

[sserafim]

Yeah, I never wanted to live past 18. I always thought that I would be dead before then and never have to reach it. I was going to ctb at 21 (before I graduated college), then 22, but didn't get around to it. When I visited a Buddhist mountain last summer, my wish was to never reach 23, but sadly, that didn't happen. I might ctb at 23 though. Anyways, I'm not going to live past 25. That's my final exit point. I just think it's so annoying how euthanasia is illegal and how we're forced to keep living against our will.

 

[BlazingBob]

I came within inches of ctb when I was 25. Worst mistake of my life not following through with it. I'm 51. It would've saved 26 years of hell. I'm sicker and more miserable than ever. I naively thought things would get better. At least I can say I tried, and tried, and tried.

 

[sserafim]

I was going to ctb when I was 18. I'm in my mid 20s now and the only thing that has changed in that time is I have more reason to ctb than I did back then.

I don't want to reach my mid 20s

 

[divinemistress36]

Yeah, I never wanted to live past 18. I always thought that I would be dead before then and never have to reach it. I was going to ctb at 21 (before I graduated college), then 22, but didn't get around to it. When I visited a Buddhist mountain last summer, my wish was to never reach 23, but sadly, that didn't happen. I might ctb at 23 though. Anyways, I'm not going to live past 25. That's my final exit point. I just think it's so annoying how euthanasia is illegal and how we're forced to keep living against our will.

How was the Buddhist mountain?

 

[sserafim]

How was the Buddhist mountain?

It was hypercapitalized. I hate how all of the temples were asking for donations. They made you give donations if you pray there. It was honestly a tourist attraction and money-maker. There were seas of people and only one real monk who went there to pay homage. It felt performative and inauthentic

 

[Timothy7dff]

It never gets better. I have a friend whose a Christian and has a PHD psychology. She has worked with a lot of suffering people. Some things you just don't heal from. She said, "You want to believe that there's something you can do, but there's not".

If your life gets off-track, you're screwed. Satanic forces will beat you down every time you pick yourself up. I scraped my life out of the gutter. You wouldn't believe the blood, sweat, and tear I put in to get my life back together. I swear there were satanic forces waiting in the bushes. As soon as I approached positive net worth, they cleaned out my life savings with a VERY elaborate con set up. My health went into a death spiral and I can't even hold a part-time job after their beating.

 

[lotheb_5drop]

This is like sunken cost fallacy game theory, where all that matters is that you CTB eventually no matter how long you delay it. It is worse the more you wait but the idea is that following through eventually means you "win". Personally I'm not brave enough to follow through anytime soon tbh but I'm betting that i will eventually become brave enough to full commit.

 

[TapeMachine]

I wish I'd ended things as soon as I'd acquired my SN, back when I was so inconsolably numb that I did not consider the fallout/aftermath my death could cause.

But I waited a few weeks too long. I postponed my ctb because I had been waiting to have the house to myself for a couple of days (and there were various other reasons, but the initial postponement was due to sharing the house with someone who was always home.) And before I ever got that chance, my brother killed himself; and I got a front row seat to the traumatic impact his death has had on our parents.

And now I feel stuck again. I feel like my choice for liberation from this life has been robbed, because I'm just so afraid of inflicting more unbearable devastation on our parents.

 

[lovedread]

Yes. It was a major mistake for me to get up and not just let myself sleep off into death.

 

[Ash]

I nearly drowned as a toddler. I wish I had.

I wish I'd killed myself the very first time I thought of it.