Anyone resent non-suicidal people?

[babysamn]

Mine is a long story I'll probably post another time as I'm new here, but it involves being pulled in many different directions by loved ones as I was struggling to leave an extremely violent and abusive relationship.

I've always been super loving and caring to a fault and everyone (including my abusive ex) insisted I put myself first. People thought I chose abuse because I'm suicidal. This really upset me. No one could understand why I had feelings for him, either. It was complicated. I obviously didn't want to be abused. Now everyone is controlling and monitoring me, so I feel the abuse hasn't ended. I feel crazy and gaslit.

I'm frustrated, like I did everything "right," left this guy etc, that everyone wanted, and I'm still miserable.

Lately I find myself vengeful and resentful - wishing my friends experienced abuse, wishing they suffered feeling suicidal all the time like I do and not judge me for not being perfect and strong or making a bad decision to enter this relationship. I hate how childish and vindictive this sounds. It makes me feel intense guilt. I feel numb and like I'm becoming a sociopath that I wish others felt suicidal too. I don't get this feeling, I've never felt this way in the past when I felt suicidal. I guess it must be a symptom of abuse or that I'm just lazy and privileged, I don't know. I need some release. I also find myself wanting to threaten suicide as revenge to others, which I don't find in many of these posts.

 

[Lotus]

I feel resentment towards those that cannot possible imagine what it is like to be in this situation, and makes it a huge topic when someone they don't even know of has taken her/his own life, or even if they just see someone with old scars from self harm on their arms. That really bothers me. Especially when I feel like I wasn't supposed to come this far in life. I really want to yell and give them some insight, but I can't do that. I'd seem like a crazy person, which I obviously am.

 

[GentleJerk]

I think this probably comes from feeling the frustration of not being understood. You know that if they experienced it first-hand that they would understand what it feels like.

Personally I don't resent non-suicidal people at all. In fact I'm happy for them, I just wish sometimes they knew how lucky they really are, and had more understanding toward others who have to go through this.

 

[little helpers]

when people are not patronizing and/or infantalizing me, no. when they are, yeah, just get off my fucking face.

at its core it's betrayal trauma. people/the MH field claim to support and listen but then doesn't give a fuck what we actually said. people see me crying for help but they don't hear what I say I'm desperate needing help with. well, now I'm just done. I'm fucking done.

the mistrust is all very natural. paradoxically for survival reasons, or at least one of pain-aversion. to not place our trust in those who are known to eventually hurt us.

and it's not like that doesn't happen when you're with sucidal people. you know what? my father is suicidal AF but I fucking hate him. it's all about what they've done to you.

Edit: I'm an asshole for commenting upon reading the title only…now I got the full story. what you described in the post sounds a lot like PTSD or CPTSD. even if you don't qualify a diagnosis it's still a trauma thing. you're okay having these thoughts. I get them too, despite finding them intrusive. it'd actually be strange to *not* want to revenge in some ways in this situation. I see a survival reason in it. it's one's fight for life, or to hold them accountable. or the frustration of not having anyone who relates. but I relate. you've found a community where you can make yourself at home.

 

[babysamn]

I think this probably comes from feeling the frustration of not being understood. You know that if they experienced it first-hand that they would understand what it feels like.

Personally I don't resent non-suicidal people at all. In fact I'm happy for them, I just wish sometimes they knew how lucky they really are, and had more understanding toward others who have to go through this.

Thanks. This is exactly it. Not feeling understood. It's such a complex situation I'm in and I keep analyzing it because people don't have the patience to fully understand and I feel I must be nuts to have done this. And understanding myself is not enough, it's lonely. I need someone else. People have helped a lot but have lost patience. It makes me feel immensely suicidal. Like I am fully numb. I sleep all day and have lost patience in everything. I feel more attached to him even though I wanted to leave because it's the last memory I have of still being myself and alive. I'm mad, as if everyone's misunderstanding of me was a spiritual death. I feel like suicide will be a completion of what I imagine others wished for me by demanding I leave but not trying to understand me. I need to make myself understood...

when people are not patronizing and/or infantalizing me, no. when they are, yeah, just get off my fucking face.

at its core it's betrayal trauma. people/the MH field claim to support and listen but then doesn't give a fuck what we actually said. people see me crying for help but they don't hear what I say I'm desperate needing help with. well, now I'm just done. I'm fucking done.

the mistrust is all very natural. paradoxically for survival reasons, or at least one of pain-aversion. to not place our trust in those who are known to eventually hurt us.

and it's not like that doesn't happen when you're with sucidal people. you know what? my father is suicidal AF but I fucking hate him. it's all about what they've done to you.

Edit: I'm an asshole for commenting upon reading the title only…now I got the full story. what you described in the post sounds a lot like PTSD or CPTSD. even if you don't qualify a diagnosis it's still a trauma thing. you're okay having these thoughts. I get them too, despite finding them intrusive. it'd actually be strange to *not* want to revenge in some ways in this situation. I see a survival reason in it. it's one's fight for life, or to hold them accountable. or the frustration of not having anyone who relates. but I relate. you've found a community where you can make yourself at home.

Thank you. I relate to what you said about the patronization of MH system. When I overcame suicidal ideation ten years ago, I attributed a lot of the prolongation of my symptoms to the MH system. I found my purpose in life, through reflection and examination of this world, as loving and helping others. I figured many others around me would eventually succumb to MH issues because of how cold and disconnected our society is. For me to experience abuse and have everyone less knowledgeable about all this lecture me about how to live a meaningful life really upset me. I just wanted to be understood. I felt judged too that it took me so long to disconnect from my ex. I have this deep desire to re explain myself to everyone because it's been months of this but I don't feel understood. I need help. I suppose I do have PTSD, but idk how to deal with it. Everyone said I'm too reliant on others, but I just feel like I and no one around me has the story straight.

I feel resentment towards those that cannot possible imagine what it is like to be in this situation, and makes it a huge topic when someone they don't even know of has taken her/his own life, or even if they just see someone with old scars from self harm on their arms. That really bothers me. Especially when I feel like I wasn't supposed to come this far in life. I really want to yell and give them some insight, but I can't do that. I'd seem like a crazy person, which I obviously am.

I understand

 

[little helpers]

And understanding myself is not enough, it's lonely. I need someone else. People have helped a lot but have lost patience. It makes me feel immensely suicidal. Like I am fully numb. I sleep all day and have lost patience in everything. I feel more attached to him even though I wanted to leave because it's the last memory I have of still being myself and alive. I'm mad, as if everyone's misunderstanding of me was a spiritual death. I feel like suicide will be a completion of what I imagine others wished for me by demanding I leave but not trying to understand me. I need to make myself understood...

I figured many others around me would eventually succumb to MH issues because of how cold and disconnected our society is.

I want to cry reading this cuz it's such the truth… "understanding myself is not enough, it's lonely." I feel the same. getting silenced. losing our meanings. struggling to find a voice to say who we really are. it's as if I already don't exist. don't matter. as if I'm already dead. they've done everything to erase our existence, such that even our death goes unnoticed.

I suppose I do have PTSD, but idk how to deal with it. Everyone said I'm too reliant on others, but I just feel like I and no one around me has the story straight.

I'm trying to think of resources that doesn't necessarily involve the MH system. interpersonal and relationship-wise, I recommend checking out PTSD Coach. it was originally geared towards veterans (a VA app) but I really wish I've found it earlier. you can take your time exploring it. another thing is just psychoeducation in general. whether recovery is your goal or not, it doesn't hurt to try alleviate one's pain a lil bit during the time we're still alive. that's why I participate in the recovery section as well, despite not working towards it in any ways lol. you can try post in the CPTSD thread there, I guess. and like, I think becuz interpersonal effectiveness involves a lot of things - sense of boundary, negotiating boundaries, *feeling safe enough* to voice and accept boundaries in the first place - it's too complicated to just say whether you are "too reliant" or not just yet.

 

[gottago222]

feeling this way hurts you more than it will ever hurt them. forgiveness is important for you because hate is a heavy nasty feeling in the body. it can make you physically and mentally sick. forgiveness doesnt mean you are okay with how they have wronged you. it helps to purge the negative thoughts you have, so you can move on.

 

[Mashedout]

I hate people who aren't suicidal. The only way you can not be is because you enjoy this experience. And if you enjoy this experience despite all the massive flaws that are here, it means you're a real scumbag or too stupid to grasp what is going on. On the spectrum of all possibilities, this isn't some paradise. Where would it rank? Very low that's where.

The only way you can enjoy life is to be extremely selfish. You have to say to yourself I don't care about all the suffering of other people or animals. Hey I'm not a chicken forced to live a prison farm life just to be eaten. I'm not a squirrle that got ran over by a car no one gives a shit about. Hey I don't have some terrible disease. Hey I'm not being raped. Hey I'm not homeless. Hey I'm not this that or a million other bad things, I just live in my little bubble of comfort and that's all that matters to me. Fuck them.

 

[Depressed Cat]

You did the right thing by leaving the abusive guy. Now, don't let others gaslight you or control you in any way.

I get it that others fail to understand you, but don't let that turn into feelings of hate. It will hinder your healing process. You need to heal, and only positive feelings can make you heal. I hope you can heal soon and find peace. I wish you the best.

 

[Crazy4u]

No. Feeling suicidal is awful and I don't wish others to feel it. OP, the non suicidal people you spoke to are awful I am so sorry!

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that non suicidal people will never be able to comprehend what we go through as they are not suicidal themselves and I cannot stand it when I hear of those types of people invalidating the suffering of those who are suicidal. In a world as horrible as this, I do not understand how people can not be suicidal. Those who are not suicidal must be delusional. Life is pain and suffering after all.

Some people are just so cruel and awful, no one should be treated like that. I'm sorry you have had to go through this. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Onthe29th]

I wouldn't say resentment…more like envy.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Not necessarily resentment, but I certainly envy them because they have it so much easier in life and some of them seem to be really privileged. However they need to know that their worldview and solutions that are generated from this don't apply to everyone. I'm speaking here mostly of those who think that hitting the gym will cure depression and suicidal state or something along these lines.

 

[babysamn]

feeling this way hurts you more than it will ever hurt them. forgiveness is important for you because hate is a heavy nasty feeling in the body. it can make you physically and mentally sick. forgiveness doesnt mean you are okay with how they have wronged you. it helps to purge the negative thoughts you have, so you can move on.

Yes, I am very sick from lack of forgiveness. How do I forgive? Do I also forgive him for the abuse? I was at peace with him and everyone when I returned, but everyone pushed me to hate him and be angry, which made me super sick and resentful to others for letting hatred into my heart.

You did the right thing by leaving the abusive guy. Now, don't let others gaslight you or control you in any way.

I get it that others fail to understand you, but don't let that turn into feelings of hate. It will hinder your healing process. You need to heal, and only positive feelings can make you heal. I hope you can heal soon and find peace. I wish you the best.

Thanks, that is encouraging.

I want to cry reading this cuz it's such the truth… "understanding myself is not enough, it's lonely." I feel the same. getting silenced. losing our meanings. struggling to find a voice to say who we really are. it's as if I already don't exist. don't matter. as if I'm already dead. they've done everything to erase our existence, such that even our death goes unnoticed.



I'm trying to think of resources that doesn't necessarily involve the MH system. interpersonal and relationship-wise, I recommend checking out PTSD Coach. it was originally geared towards veterans (a VA app) but I really wish I've found it earlier. you can take your time exploring it. another thing is just psychoeducation in general. whether recovery is your goal or not, it doesn't hurt to try alleviate one's pain a lil bit during the time we're still alive. that's why I participate in the recovery section as well, despite not working towards it in any ways lol. you can try post in the CPTSD thread there, I guess. and like, I think becuz interpersonal effectiveness involves a lot of things - sense of boundary, negotiating boundaries, *feeling safe enough* to voice and accept boundaries in the first place - it's too complicated to just say whether you are "too reliant" or not just yet.

Thank you, you're so sweet. I love your energy thank you. I downloaded PTSD Coach

 

[gottago222]

Yes, I am very sick from lack of forgiveness. How do I forgive? Do I also forgive him for the abuse? I was at peace with him and everyone when I returned, but everyone pushed me to hate him and be angry, which made me super sick and resentful to others for letting hatred into my heart.

Thanks, that is encouraging.

Thank you, you're so sweet. I love your energy thank you. I downloaded PTSD Coach

yes you must forgive him for the abuse. easier said than done. it can take some time. also forgive yourself for having such heavy feelings. that is just as important

 

[babysamn]

yes you must forgive him for the abuse. easier said than done. it can take some time. also forgive yourself for having such heavy feelings. that is just as important

Everyone forced me to report him to the police, saying that will cause healing and it hasn't. When I said I regret reporting him they accuse me of defending him. It makes me feel more attached. I wish I didn't report, but maybe it's right I did... I don't know

 

[Of The Universe]

Yes!

 

[babysamn]

I feel like if the choice was between staying with my abhsive ex or committing suicide, my friends and family would rather I commit suicide.

 

[KTbear]

No. I don't understand them, but I don't resent them.

 

[ForeverLonely82]

I don't resent those types of people, BUT I do resent happy people. They are able to achieve what I've tried my entire life to do. Always wanted to look forward to waking up everyday with a mindset of "Wonder what kind of things will happen today?" I already know, it's the same everyday. Wake up with a lump in my throat, ready to cry and thinking "Not this again...." I remember better times a long time ago, but those are gone. Sitting in front of my T.V. enjoying super NES while being in a blissful state of mind. Now it's hard to play a video game, because I am in my head too much and can't enjoy it like I used to, but that goes with everything too. Feel like I'm trapped in a flesh prison.

 

[Crocodiledundee]

Everyone forced me to report him to the police, saying that will cause healing and it hasn't. When I said I regret reporting him they accuse me of defending him. It makes me feel more attached. I wish I didn't report, but maybe it's right I did... I don't know

Why do people care if you report him anyway, enough to force you? They aren't the ones that have to go through it all, they should just be supportive whatever way you choose because it was your relationship not theirs. sounds awful.

I feel like if the choice was between staying with my abhsive ex or committing suicide, my friends and family would rather I commit suicide.

Aww, Why do you think that? I doubt anybody wants you to ctb and it isn't your job to do what others want. How long have you been away from your abusive ex? What choices do you have in this situation?

 

[babysamn]

Why do people care if you report him anyway, enough to force you? They aren't the ones that have to go through it all, they should just be supportive whatever way you choose because it was your relationship not theirs. sounds awful.

Aww, Why do you think that? I doubt anybody wants you to ctb and it isn't your job to do what others want. How long have you been away from your abusive ex? What choices do you have in this situation?

They said reporting him would help me heal or save other women, which just pressured and confused me. I reported him but don't feel good and feel angry and abandoned by others

 

[Crocodiledundee]

They said reporting him would help me heal or save other women, which just pressured and confused me. I reported him but don't feel good and feel angry and abandoned by others

First I'm sorry that people are treating you this way. Why did it confuse you? Questions to ask yourself...did you want to get revenge against your abusive ex and used their pressuring to justify it against your good hearted nature?( because you say they brought hatred into your heart) Did you want to make your ex suicidal too like how you were saying in the post about others? I could see how doing it for reasons like those for example would make you feel sick because you say you were at peace with him until friends/family started getting involved. but idk I want to understand

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

Only when they start trying to provide solutions.

 

[motel rooms]

forgiveness is important for you because hate is a heavy nasty feeling in the body. it can make you physically and mentally sick. forgiveness doesnt mean you are okay with how they have wronged you. it helps to purge the negative thoughts you have, so you can move on.

What does forgiveness mean? Is it always possible to forgive? People who have the gall to tell victims of abuse that they'll never heal unless they forgive their abusers are psychologically abusive.

 

[babysamn]

First I'm sorry that people are treating you this way. Why did it confuse you? Questions to ask yourself...did you want to get revenge against your abusive ex and used their pressuring to justify it against your good hearted nature?( because you say they brought hatred into your heart) Did you want to make your ex suicidal too like how you were saying in the post about others? I could see how doing it for reasons like those for example would make you feel sick because you say you were at peace with him until friends/family started getting involved. but idk I want to understand

I want my ex to suffer. I also don't. I want to validate others. I also don't. I'm confused. I'm just frustrated I am suffering the most. There is also a huge narrative that this was my choice because I am a grown woman who moved somewhere for someone from the Internet who was super traumatized, trying to help. Most other women in my life wouldn't do such a thing. And I continued speaking to him when I returned. I can't imagine he would lure any other woman, so am I saving anyone? If he's doing better now with all my help, isn't that helping others more than a police report? I also can't stand the possible shame and pain if he isn't convicted just because the chaos of my return home caused me to continue to speak with him. That I did it to myself

What does forgiveness mean? Is it always possible to forgive? People who have the gall to tell victims of abuse that they'll never heal unless they forgive their abusers are psychologically abusive.

Thanks for saying that. It gave me some relief. There's too much of a burden on me

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I wouldn't say resentment…more like envy.

This. Used to be one of those "normies" by the definition it means, I guess an ya know what? After a horrible childhood and an equally brutal adult life up to that point, I fucking earned my little corner of happiness. But, like everything else in my life it didn't last and it was torn apart by everyone around us until we began to argue more and more and now we don't even speak. So yeah, I do envy those who's lives are not filled with regret, depression and ideation. But never hate. It would be just as selfish of me to wish this upon anyone as the people I feel who are selfishly destroying this world.

However, I do DESPISE it when people give me the I-am-not-trying-hard-enough-the-right-thing-take-this-pill-and-be-a-good-little-consumer-zombie bullshit lines. I admit I sometimes wish they could experience just a taste of what I gave been through because I can almost guarantee they would stop that shit real quick. But never do I wish for most people to go through this. It's a hell that most people DO NOT deserve.

 

[babysamn]

I left sadistic abuse as a grown woman and I am back with my parents who are traumatized and over protective and treat me like a child now. So I am stuck. They are helping me so I have to be grateful

 

[Crocodiledundee]

I want my ex to suffer. I also don't. I want to validate others. I also don't. I'm confused. I'm just frustrated I am suffering the most. There is also a huge narrative that this was my choice because I am a grown woman who moved somewhere for someone from the Internet who was super traumatized, trying to help. Most other women in my life wouldn't do such a thing. And I continued speaking to him when I returned. I can't imagine he would lure any other woman, so am I saving anyone? If he's doing better now with all my help, isn't that helping others more than a police report? I also can't stand the possible shame and pain if he isn't convicted just because the chaos of my return home caused me to continue to speak with him. That I did it to myself

Thanks for saying that. It gave me some relief. There's too much of a burden on me

Hey, thanks I'm Definitely Understanding better, keep in mind it is not your responsibility to protect other women, or protect against future crime that may or may not happen. What he did to you is awful, my main point is that not all victims have to act a certain way I would say if you want to report ,do it ,If you dont then dont feel pressured, it's up to you, if you think that forgiving will be benefitial to you then forgive if not then dont, no shame in either.

 

[babysamn]

Hey, thanks I'm Definitely Understanding better, keep in mind it is not your responsibility to protect other women, or protect against future crime that may or may not happen. What he did to you is awful, my main point is that not all victims have to act a certain way I would say if you want to report ,do it ,If you dont then dont feel pressured, it's up to you, if you think that forgiving will be benefitial to you then forgive if not then dont, no shame in either.

It's too late. I already did what everyone wanted: reported etc, so I just feel resentment and confusion and like I am a super weak person constantly needing validation