Anyone know someone who ctb’d?

[snowcloud9]

How long ago and how do you feel now?

 

[wait.what]

Could you clarify a little? Most people who have reached adulthood have known someone or other who died. Are you talking about deaths that were really impactful, life-changing losses? Or specifically about people who died by suicide? Or both? Or something else?

 

[snowcloud9]

Could you clarify a little? Most people who have reached adulthood have known someone or other who died. Are you talking about deaths that were really impactful, life-changing losses? Or specifically about people who died by suicide? Or both? Or something else?

Edited, I meant ctb. Either way I have no life experience cuz I'm an adult but nobody I know died

 

[nightlygem]

My father CTB'd last year. Can't say I was a fan of his decision, I will be honest there. He was my sole caregiver so I was kind of forced into adult hood and having to fight my family in order to figure out the life I wanted to live because of his death. His death has been the catalyst for my recent thoughts, and my life has been full of ups and downs since.
He died by full hanging. I found his body in the garage. Hated the note he left for me.
Dead bodies are also very strange looking, and very different compared to how it's shown on movies. The eyes are purple and the skin turns a gross yellow color. The face is the last thing that will become discolored. Also, if you CTB with your mouth closed, your tongue will kind of stick out but it'll be upside down. Like the dead emoji: xp

 

[Oncologynurz123]

I'm just very curious and don't answer if you don't want to: why did you hate the note. My father shot himself in the head when I was small, I'm middle aged now, but I wish I had known of a note or was able to see it.

 

[saddavyd]

My son ctb. Hung himself on our staircase in 2017.

Life has never been the same. It's been up and down since, but never as good. Part of me died that day and I wish the rest could die with it.

 

[nightlygem]

I'm just very curious and don't answer if you don't want to: why did you hate the note. My father shot himself in the head when I was small, I'm middle aged now, but I wish I had known of a note or was able to see it.

For me, the note felt insulting. All these years of me trying to make him happy and proud just gone to shit. All he wrote was instructions on where to go (which was to return back to my abusive home), a simple "I'm sorry", and a "I hope God accepts me with open arms."
Truthfully, I am pro-choice when it comes to CTB. However, i believe that if you're a parent of a child that you full heartedly chose to raise and bring into this world, it is incredibly disrespectful to your child to leave them when they need you the most.
I don't know, I'm probably biased. That's just my stance.

 

[cosifantutti]

For me, the note felt insulting. All these years of me trying to make him happy and proud just gone to shit. All he wrote was instructions on where to go (which was to return back to my abusive home), a simple "I'm sorry", and a "I hope God accepts me with open arms."
Truthfully, I am pro-choice when it comes to CTB. However, i believe that if you're a parent of a child that you full heartedly chose to raise and bring into this world, it is incredibly disrespectful to your child to leave them when they need you the most.
I don't know, I'm probably biased. That's just my stance.Str

For me, the note felt insulting. All these years of me trying to make him happy and proud just gone to shit. All he wrote was instructions on where to go (which was to return back to my abusive home), a simple "I'm sorry", and a "I hope God accepts me with open arms."
Truthfully, I am pro-choice when it comes to CTB. However, i believe that if you're a parent of a child that you full heartedly chose to raise and bring into this world, it is incredibly disrespectful to your child to leave them when they need you the most.
I don't know, I'm probably biased. That's just my stance.

Strictly speaking it is wrong of a parent to inflict this on their child, but
in reality if someone is suffering so badly I'm not sure they have much choice. I think your Dad should have been very careful in his note. I'm sure a well written note can give a bit of comfort.

A very good friend of mine hung himself 8 years ago. He was 63 and had 3 children and 2 grandchildren. He was very ill with depression and anxiety - in mental torture. I talked on the phone to him about ten days before and although he was very ill it didn't occur to me he might take his life.

I was very distressed by his death. I know his family were devastated.

A few weeks after the funeral something very strange happened and was, I believe, an indication that J was at peace.

 

[girlsboysthems]

my classmate ctb about 6 years ago. i wanted to ctb at that time too because i ddint want to go to high school and then i couldnt do it because i saw what it did to my classmates and the school.

 

[Oncologynurz123]

For me, the note felt insulting. All these years of me trying to make him happy and proud just gone to shit. All he wrote was instructions on where to go (which was to return back to my abusive home), a simple "I'm sorry", and a "I hope God accepts me with open arms."
Truthfully, I am pro-choice when it comes to CTB. However, i believe that if you're a parent of a child that you full heartedly chose to raise and bring into this world, it is incredibly disrespectful to your child to leave them when they need you the most.
I don't know, I'm probably biased. That's just my stance.

I appreciate your stance on this, and your response. I guess for me, though I was much younger than you, I felt saddened that my dad was feeling so much despair that he had to resort to that. I guess it's important to remember that most of us considering suicide are sufferers of some degree of mental illness, or at the very least, dealing with what seems to be insurmountable problems.

And at the risk of being completely contrary to what I just said, I really resented him at times for leaving me here.

 

[snowcloud9]

my classmate ctb about 6 years ago. i wanted to ctb at that time too because i ddint want to go to high school and then i couldnt do it because i saw what it did to my classmates and the school.

I'm just… so confused by this. Don't people go back to normal like after a week it happened and only grieve silently or in small passing moments? That's how I imagine it in my head. I can't imagine my friends being affected for too long even though I know they care about me. What changed?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm just… so confused by this. Don't people go back to normal like after a week it happened and only grieve silently or in small passing moments? That's how I imagine it in my head. I can't imagine my friends being affected for too long even though I know they care about me. What changed?

If someone kills themselves they are driving a stake right through the hearts of everyone who loves them. I'm not suggesting that should stop someone form CTB if that is what is right for them to do. It certainly isn't stopping me. But that's the truth and it's a pain that doesn't ever really fully resolve, certainly not after a week.

 

[nightlygem]

Strictly speaking it is wrong of a parent to inflict this on their child, but
in reality if someone is suffering so badly I'm not sure they have much choice. I think your Dad should have been very careful in his note. I'm sure a well written note can give a bit of comfort.

A very good friend of mine hung himself 8 years ago. He was 63 and had 3 children and 2 grandchildren. He was very ill with depression and anxiety - in mental torture. I talked on the phone to him about ten days before and although he was very ill it didn't occur to me he might take his life.

I was very distressed by his death. I know his family were devastated.

A few weeks after the funeral something very strange happened and was, I believe, an indication that J was at peace.

I agree with your stance here. Putting my emotions to the side, the only thing I really strictly believe is that parents who CTB should know that your kids will be safe without you.

I appreciate your stance on this, and your response. I guess for me, though I was much younger than you, I felt saddened that my dad was feeling so much despair that he had to resort to that. I guess it's important to remember that most of us considering suicide are sufferers of some degree of mental illness, or at the very least, dealing with what seems to be insurmountable problems.

And at the risk of being completely contrary to what I just said, I really resented him at times for leaving me here.

That resentment is completely normal, too. I struggle to continue each day without him, as he was my "safe" person. I've also learned a lot about myself without him, which is the silver lining in all of this.
I hope you have found your silver lining as well. Losing a parent is by far one of the biggest pains that a child can endure.

 

[Oncologynurz123]

I'm just… so confused by this. Don't people go back to normal like after a week it happened and only grieve silently or in small passing moments? That's how I imagine it in my head. I can't imagine my friends being affected for too long even though I know they care about me. What changed?

My father died 39 years ago. You always feel the loss, you wonder how might things had turned out otherwise, some even blame themselves for not realizing their loved one was hurting so badly, for not doing more to help that person.

That second part is pointless conjecture, I feel, and someone else pointed it out nicely, that shouldn't stop you from doing what is right for you. But the grieving never stops, just changes like tides of an ocean.

 

[Meditation guide]

I didn't know him but I saw a guy deliberately slam into a huge tree to ctb, it happened right in front of me as I was driving down the street. I pulled over and ran over to where he was smashed into the tree in his van. He was deceased, slumped against the window with the air bag ballooned in front of him, clearly they don't protect everyone.
I read in the local paper his father said "my son committed suicide". I hadn't realized that's what it was. He was 16 and had fought with his father, jumped into his grandmothers van, floored the gas, and slammed into the tree.

 

[iamsofkntired]

My boyfriend , about 70 days ago and let me be honest IT FEELS LIKE SHIT , it is awful and horrible . I just wish he stayed all the time and i miss him more than anything and i know he was suffering from depression and all but his family is devastated and so am I it is selfish to wish that he stayed yes , but I just miss him so much . I try not to blame him because I myself is suicidal and I'm going to make my siblings and family go through the same thing but I just can't do it with it him and I know it I just hope my family moves on at somepoint

 

[Meditation guide]

I don't know how that 16 year old died since the airbag was opened. The impact of the airbag did it? The van was just smashed in the engine compartment.

 

[sserafim]

How long ago and how do you feel now?

I know 3 ppl who did: someone from my high school and 2 ppl from my college. I didn't know them personally but I guess it was sad

 

[jussaloser]

last year my friends tried to hook me up with a girl from their school.
i dont feel good around new people so it was pretty awkward but i think we both understood the situation they have put us in.
she was nice but as i said im really awkward so we ended up adding each other on fb.
never talked to her ever since.

she ctbd in february.
i still wonder if i couldve made the difference.

 

[lucyna]

How long ago and how do you feel now?

i knew one person who ctb'd and to be honest it's a really hard one to process though now that i'm suicidal i have a larger perspective of it. he was a friend of a friend and slowly becoming my friend too. couple months later i talked to my friend and asked if they're coming to my town in the near future and my friend said that "i'm coming next week i'll go visit (his friend's) grave" and i just thought it was a nickname to his apartment or something. turns out he had ctb'd couple months back. couple years later i met his mother and brother with my friend and yeah... i'm definitely leaving a well thought out letter to all of my loved ones so they can find some closure. it kept from ctb'ing for a couple years but here i am. i often find myself thinking about him now that i'm getting really close to ctb'ing and have thought out a plan for it. i think that we had a lot of similarities and sadly didn't have time to talk about them but the time will come and maybe soon we'll watch over our friend together.

 

[girlsboysthems]

I'm just… so confused by this. Don't people go back to normal like after a week it happened and only grieve silently or in small passing moments? That's how I imagine it in my head. I can't imagine my friends being affected for too long even though I know they care about me. What changed?

with my class slash school being the way it was, we didnt have class for a week, we had a funeral and some therapist person talked to us. after the shock and things calmed down (after one month) things started to resume, but we felt a bit more down for the whole year. a lot of crying from kids, teachers, principle and it breaks your heart. the sadness just piles up and yeah.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

A popular kid killed themselves at my highschool. I think all teachers announced to each of their own classes about it. There were students and teachers crying, but the next day everything went to normal. I think about them a lot, though those thoughts have faded out quite a bit. I used to think about them to make me feel sad, when I just wanted to feel something, or when I wanted to really think about how my suicide would affect others, like how even when the popular kid kills themselves people still have to move on with their lives the next day. Can't wallow, at least in public, forever, of course, I guess. Their parents posted a memorial on the kid's Instagram and people still comment on it every now and then to mourn.

I remember that day pretty vividly. It was raining, and the air was full of the haunting smell of rain (which is something I'll probably definitely miss when/if I CTB) and lovely to breathe but also hard to breathe because of all the sadness in the air of course. I remember going for a walk around night and taking in the rain and the smells and all the puddles on the asphalt and the streams running along the side walk and how they glew yellow under the streetlights and some puddles were super dark and I stared at them and felt like I was staring into a void, or some melted black angel eyes, as corny or flowery as that may sound. I wrote an entry about it in my diary and I remember trying to romanticize that day to try to make it make sense or mean something.

Another kid killed themselves the year after that, but they were far less popular and no one cried, at least in my classes. No personal announcements from the teacher, it was just glazed over in the announcements on the speakers, a quick moment of silence, and everyone moved on.

I feel some combination of acceptance and indifference and gray-blue sadness or melancholy (sorry, it's hard for me to describe emotions) whenever I think about them. It's like: Oh, they're gone now. Those bodies of consciousness cease to exist. Pain doesn't exist for them anymore just as much as peace. At least that's the very cold cerebral kind of rationalization to it all. Their bodies are rotting in their coffins, or cremated in jars. How did they go out? Gun, noose, overdose? Was it quick? All those kinds of thoughts. Knowing these kinds of questions can be a bit intrusive or disrespectful, but morbid curiosity gets the better of a lot of us of course. And I think real sappy self-pitying stuff like, I wish I gave both of them a warm hug and told them I was sorry. Don't know about what. Yeah, I miss them even though I never actually knew them. It's so complicated and shallow at the same time.

 

[snowcloud9]

A popular kid killed themselves at my highschool. I think all teachers announced to each of their own classes about it. There were students and teachers crying, but the next day everything went to normal. I think about them a lot, though those thoughts have faded out quite a bit. I used to think about them to make me feel sad, when I just wanted to feel something, or when I wanted to really think about how my suicide would affect others, like how even when the popular kid kills themselves people still have to move on with their lives the next day. Can't wallow, at least in public, forever, of course, I guess. Their parents posted a memorial on the kid's Instagram and people still comment on it every now and then to mourn.

I remember that day pretty vividly. It was raining, and the air was full of the haunting smell of rain (which is something I'll probably definitely miss when/if I CTB) and lovely to breathe but also hard to breathe because of all the sadness in the air of course. I remember going for a walk around night and taking in the rain and the smells and all the puddles on the asphalt and the streams running along the side walk and how they glew yellow under the streetlights and some puddles were super dark and I stared at them and felt like I was staring into a void, or some melted black angel eyes, as corny or flowery as that may sound. I wrote an entry about it in my diary and I remember trying to romanticize that day to try to make it make sense or mean something.

Another kid killed themselves the year after that, but they were far less popular and no one cried, at least in my classes. No personal announcements from the teacher, it was just glazed over in the announcements on the speakers, a quick moment of silence, and everyone moved on.

I feel some combination of acceptance and indifference and gray-blue sadness or melancholy (sorry, it's hard for me to describe emotions) whenever I think about them. It's like: Oh, they're gone now. Those bodies of consciousness cease to exist. Pain doesn't exist for them anymore just as much as peace. At least that's the very cold cerebral kind of rationalization to it all. Their bodies are rotting in their coffins, or cremated in jars. How did they go out? Gun, noose, overdose? Was it quick? All those kinds of thoughts. Knowing these kinds of questions can be a bit intrusive or disrespectful, but morbid curiosity gets the better of a lot of us of course. And I think real sappy self-pitying stuff like, I wish I gave both of them a warm hug and told them I was sorry. Don't know about what. Yeah, I miss them even though I never actually knew them. It's so complicated and shallow at the same time.

Yes, I had imagined being given this treatment as well. I thought everyone in my circle would just hear it and move on.

 

[Rouge4000]

Yes, I had imagined being given this treatment as well. I thought everyone in my circle would just hear it and move on.

Does it bother you? How does it make you feel ? I have been wondering the same thing seeking a sense of perspective

 

[TheSource]

I do. Sometimes I find myself scrolling through older posts to see if she might've been on this site. I know she wasn't, or she probably would've tried to use a different method, or at least different drugs.

I find myself talking to her sometimes. Messaging her account on Instagram or talking aloud like her soul might be in the room with me. Sometimes I ask of she can make her soul known to her best friend and give them comfort. Sometimes I fuss at her for leaving. Sometimes I just discuss with her my method for ctb. Or complain about how hard it is to get the resources I need. Or apologize for things I've done. Or apologize for the way life treated her.

Maybe I'm losing it. Maybe I already lost it a while ago.

It feels awful to say it, but sometimes it feels like her death was giving me permission to die too. If she escaped this hell, so can I. I've always wanted to. I always backed out, or gave half-assed attempts. She succeeded. But the rest of the world kept going like it never knew she was there. She was. And she was a wonderful person. It was devastating. But the world kept turning despite that. The world will keep going when I go on too.

I can't bring her back. I can't undo any of the pain she went through. I can't undo any of the pain her loved ones are going through. But she's at peace now. I want that peace as well.

 

[Oncologynurz123]

I didn't know him but I saw a guy deliberately slam into a huge tree to ctb, it happened right in front of me as I was driving down the street. I pulled over and ran over to where he was smashed into the tree in his van. He was deceased, slumped against the window with the air bag ballooned in front of him, clearly they don't protect everyone.
I read in the local paper his father said "my son committed suicide". I hadn't realized that's what it was. He was 16 and had fought with his father, jumped into his grandmothers van, floored the gas, and slammed into the tree.

How did that affect your views on suicide? Was this recently?

 

[brood]

My partner, some years ago now, i still miss him. we were supposed to go together but he tricked me by showing me a weeks worth of food shopping that he had bought but didn't show me the disposable bbq's that he had also purchased. He left me a note saying he didn't believe that I was quite ready. The CO left him looking rosy cheeked and as beautiful dead as he had been alive.
I was devastated at the time and still upset by it but my view that suicide is the best way to die has only been reinforcced by the events, I shall join him soon.

 

[Ruma]

How long ago and how do you feel now?

Two school friends ctb. One hung herself the other od'ed purposely by Heroin. It was a long time ago now,but still feels like yesterday x

 

[briarrose]

yeah, there was a girl in a group home i lived for a while who ctb'd. it shook us all up pretty bad because, while none of us were very close to her as she was very reclusive, we all liked her. and it happened right under our nose, too. i still have a bit of guilt about it because i was awake late into the night that night and heard her pacing back and forth from her room to the bathroom. hindsight is 20/20 but i still wish i had left my room to investigate.

she od'ed, if i remember correctly. this was 3 1/2 years ago, so i don't remember the details, but i think that was the cause of death. i respect her right to choose to ctb, but what makes me uneasy about the whole thing is that she regretted it very last minute. she called her parents and asked for help. she was dead by the time the ambulance got there. that's why i feel so guilty.

i couldn't go to her funeral. it felt wrong to.

 

[snowcloud9]

Does it bother you? How does it make you feel ? I have been wondering the same thing seeking a sense of perspective

My insignificance is a little sad, but ultimately this is better because it allows me to do what I want. I wonder if people care more than I think they do and that I subconsciously think they do, but that I tell myself they don't as a way to justify ctbing guilt free.