Story Anyone in the cycle of perpetual self-destruction brought on by suicidal thoughts

[gameovergirlie]

The sentiment that; "If im going to be dead in a week then 'x'" has sort of been saving my life as well as ruining it. At first it was just "why am i bothering with eating heathy" or "what will ruining my sleep schedule matter". I even moved out of my family home knowing that i dont have the financial stability for it to work because, "well ill just end it then"

But that has quickly became a slipperly slope because well...spoiler im not dead

Even experimented with drugs and slept around a bunch and finally did heroin. I say finally because that was the initial thought process behind this whole thing. If im going to go out i at least want to know what that euphoria feels like, whats the worse that could happen? I get addicted "ill only be around for a week". Well i kinda did get 'addicted' because i want to do it again, dealer even said that we 'could do it at his' and i know what that means but i dont think ill even care soon.

i dont know if this is just some long game to get me to rock bottom so that i dont have a choice but to finally do it or what. Anyone feeling similar that has a good explanation?

 

[Chabrychek]

Yeah I kinda failed my exams because "I'm going to ctb anyway, so what's the point?" Well, there was a point. Generally, someone wrote on this forum that you should try to live as if you were not going to end yourself, because you don't know if and when you will eventually do it, and I think these are very important words that everyone should take into account

 

[sherlock]

I can relate. I have been doing some self-destructive actions as well. I quit my job. Kinda ruined my relationship with my family. But yeah, I am still alive.

I would agree with @Chabrychek that you shouldn't let suicidality drive your actions.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Ive been doing this for the last 3 years but I also suffer from severe depression and have not been able to function well. I stopped exercising, eating healthy, quit my job, canceled doctor and dentist appts, stopped talking to friends ect because I was going to kill myself, so none of it mattered. I had one measly failed attempt with partial hanging in the woods. As bad as I wanted to die, I found out what a coward I am when it came down to business. So my depression has been a bit better as of lately and to see all the damage I have done in the aftermath is really bad. So if you can, do the things and keep doing them because SI is a bitch and most people are not able to do the deed.

 

[hello707]

That's how I've been living so far. If I see something I like I'll just buy it because the money's not gonna mean anything when I'm dead lol. I get so high every night I can feel myself getting dumber and more forgetful everyday. I literally wake up at night and sleep in the morning because of it. But I'm still studying for a business exam and helping some game dev. And I'm supposed to start 2 part time jobs next college semester (if i get that far).

Honestly I don't even know if I'm at rock bottom. I just know that if I pussy out now, someday I'm just going to do it and there's no other way around it.