Story Anyone in the cycle of perpetual self-destruction brought on by suicidal thoughts

[gameovergirlie]

The sentiment that; "If im going to be dead in a week then 'x'" has sort of been saving my life as well as ruining it. At first it was just "why am i bothering with eating heathy" or "what will ruining my sleep schedule matter". I even moved out of my family home knowing that i dont have the financial stability for it to work because, "well ill just end it then"

But that has quickly became a slipperly slope because well...spoiler im not dead

Even experimented with drugs and slept around a bunch and finally did heroin. I say finally because that was the initial thought process behind this whole thing. If im going to go out i at least want to know what that euphoria feels like, whats the worse that could happen? I get addicted "ill only be around for a week". Well i kinda did get 'addicted' because i want to do it again, dealer even said that we 'could do it at his' and i know what that means but i dont think ill even care soon.

i dont know if this is just some long game to get me to rock bottom so that i dont have a choice but to finally do it or what. Anyone feeling similar that has a good explanation?

 

[Chabrychek]

Yeah I kinda failed my exams because "I'm going to ctb anyway, so what's the point?" Well, there was a point. Generally, someone wrote on this forum that you should try to live as if you were not going to end yourself, because you don't know if and when you will eventually do it, and I think these are very important words that everyone should take into account