What exactly are your symptoms?
About twenty years ago I have been diagnosed with depression and (social) anxiety disorder. Some psychologist even spoke about borderline personality disorder. Though I do tend towards bdp, I never really felt 'ok' with that diagnosis. It didn't fit, except for a few symptoms.
Only recently I have read up about covert (!) narcissism. Well, that was an eye opener.
In short: as a teenager I couldn't speak (stuttering). Didn't get any help with that, unfortunately. Instead I started to work out (gym). I thought I had overcome the stuttering, by building up some physical strength. I looked good! So, I had to feel good, right? Talking about narcissism!
People say that I am charismatic. That makes sense: I do a lot of tv work.
Only recently I had a complete melt down, in the midst of my work. I walked out of the studio. What happened? The last couple of years I have noticed this growing anxiety (again). I felt more distanced from my work. It's getting harder to believe the things I say (during work). I feel like I am only pretending. And at the same time there is this fear of losing that work altogether.
I have no friends. True! I got thousands of Facebook friends. I get email everyday. But I have not one single person that I could call right now.
I have never had any real meaningful relationships. Only now it appears to me, I always chose people because of their looks or any other 'trophy': to compensate for things I thought (sub conciously) I was lacking. Only to throw them out the moment I felt 'alright' again. Or when I thought I had found someone better.
No, I do not want to sound pathetic. It is just my story. But I know I am not the only one who finds himself in this kind of situation. I am not sure if I can 'save' myself. At least I can share my story, so others might be able to learn from it and prevent it from happening to them. Does that make sense?
