Venting Anyone have experience with being suicidal with a suicidal partner?

[imperfectcircle]

My partner of 2 1/2 years has major mental health issues, and has suicidal thoughts. Ive been in situations where I've had to stop him from choking himself, and hold him back while he is trying to cut his wrists. All that to say, I have become the therapist of the relationship. I also struggle, but I'm more high functioning and quiet about my struggles. I asked him yesterday, how much capacity do you have to talk about my struggles when things are bad? He said he didn't have any. All the while I had been sitting in my dark closet for hours and had practiced partial hanging with a belt.

I guess I just want to ask if anyone has similar experiences. I feel as though I am nothing, my struggles aren't even close to his. Yet here I am, on SaSu, and he doesn't even know. Shit if I told him I relapsed with self harm again, and practiced partial hanging, he'd probably freak out and flip the situation to him. I'm not sure if my struggles are real anymore, or if I just want the attention flipped on me. My sick head convinces me that ctb is the way to get out, to prove that my dramatics are sincere.

 

[U. A.]

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[imperfectcircle]

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Unfortunately it's complicated. I am in fact seeing a therapist, and am on medication (which so far has been pretty useless for me). He has had awful luck with the mental health system, and is trying to get help but failing to no fault of his own. That's why it feels pretty impossible. At least I have therapy, but 45 minutes a week doesn't necessarily help with the constant suicidal thoughts. I don't feel like I can leave him when he is already being failed by society. Messy situation, I know.

 

[U. A.]

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[imperfectcircle]

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Thank you for your words, I really do appreciate being seen. You're right, I need to use familial and friend support, I just struggle reaching out. Thanks for replying, I hope you are doing okay

 

[gunmetalblue]

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[imperfectcircle]

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Oh man, I cannot imagine also having emotional and financial responsibility as well. I am so sorry, it makes sense why you felt like you couldn't do it anymore. I am fortunate enough to be in completely different living situations. I'm grateful you're here, and I hope that you are doing alright.
It truly is heartbreaking, I hate seeing him decline and in turn it makes me decline as well. It's definitely a tough spot to be in, and it almost feels like a lose lose situation. I may try and reach out to people, and see what they say. I don't necessarily want to leave him, I just want to be recognized as struggling as well before I make a stupid decision. Thank you for your heartfelt reply, I really hope you are well

 

[BecomingDiamond]

My partner of 2 1/2 years has major mental health issues, and has suicidal thoughts. Ive been in situations where I've had to stop him from choking himself, and hold him back while he is trying to cut his wrists. All that to say, I have become the therapist of the relationship. I also struggle, but I'm more high functioning and quiet about my struggles. I asked him yesterday, how much capacity do you have to talk about my struggles when things are bad? He said he didn't have any. All the while I had been sitting in my dark closet for hours and had practiced partial hanging with a belt.

I guess I just want to ask if anyone has similar experiences. I feel as though I am nothing, my struggles aren't even close to his. Yet here I am, on SaSu, and he doesn't even know. Shit if I told him I relapsed with self harm again, and practiced partial hanging, he'd probably freak out and flip the situation to him. I'm not sure if my struggles are real anymore, or if I just want the attention flipped on me. My sick head convinces me that ctb is the way to get out, to prove that my dramatics are sincere.

I may not have a suicidal partner, but I have a suicidal brother who is probably the only other person I speak too irl.

It sucks because we both cancel each other out with our problems so one person (and its me) has to take most of it, I can't really go to him to say I wanna kill myself, but he comes to me and says it.

It's also kinda ironic when I think about it, because he talks about it so much, so often, that it's starting to annoy me. Because I offered that we ctb together, but he didn't want too, yet talks about it constantly.

Ig that's how a normal functioning person feels like with a suicidal person. idk.

 

[gunmetalblue]

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[imperfectcircle]

I may not have a suicidal partner, but I have a suicidal brother who is probably the only other person I speak too irl.

It sucks because we both cancel each other out with our problems so one person (and its me) has to take most of it, I can't really go to him to say I wanna kill myself, but he comes to me and says it.

It's also kinda ironic when I think about it, because he talks about it so much, so often, that it's starting to annoy me. Because I offered that we ctb together, but he didn't want too, yet talks about it constantly.

Ig that's how a normal functioning person feels like with a suicidal person. idk.

I'm sure it complicates things considering he is your family. It makes sense why you get annoyed, sometimes I feel resentment building in me because I just want to scream "hey dude, i want to ctb too!". I hear your pain, it's really tough to constantly be the "comforter" instead of the "comforted". Hang in there, even though we don't know each other, I care about your suffering.

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Thank you, your kind words mean a lot to me. That's why I am here, to be seen. Take care of yourself, I really appreciate you taking your time to write to me. You seem like a good person :)

 

[BecomingDiamond]

I'm sure it complicates things considering he is your family. It makes sense why you get annoyed, sometimes I feel resentment building in me because I just want to scream "hey dude, i want to ctb too!". I hear your pain, it's really tough to constantly be the "comforter" instead of the "comforted". Hang in there, even though we don't know each other, I care about your suffering.

Thank you, your kind words mean a lot to me. That's why I am here, to be seen. Take care of yourself, I really appreciate you taking your time to write to me. You seem like a good person :)

Thank you, I care for you as well, You got this. <3

 

[Next]

I think living with a suicidal person without being negatively affected by it isn't easy. There's a risk of internalizing your partner's problems. Then it could affect your own behavior. The suicidal partner shouldn't subtly act on this desire with their partner. I would want a suicidal partner who I know is serious about it. I'm also open with them about it. But only when the day comes that my partner takes their own life will they communicate this, and then we will face death together.

 

[lilb0wpeep]

In the past I had a gf who was also dealing with her own mental health. When I actually opened up about being suicidal and the fact that I was engaging in sh behaviours she also became increasingly agitated and intent on suicide, or as she often said "getting worse". Originally she was very comforting and kind as she understood the struggle of mental health challenges. Eventually it started to become a one sided competition of her being "worse", how she was "unfixable", and so on and so on. I always tried my best to support and comfort her the way she had once done for me. Though after so much time spent 'caring for wounds' and trying to do absolutely anything to create change for the better only to have the same thing happen over and over again, you start get frustrated and feel a little resentment. When there is so much self hatred and pitty it becomes difficult for them to 1 want to change 2 actually try— they might say so but they don't even know what actually trying looks like(I say this as someone on both sides of this point). It's like putting all your heart and soul +physical efforts into planting a garden only for it to become dry desolate soil for the soul reasons of it not wanting to change itself and to watch you continue to try. Unfortunately it became to much for either of us and anybody around us(family, friends, healthcare team, etc.) to rationally handle or even put up with that we are not longer together. There was more to the situation which I tried just barely touch on, but point is that it become toxic and hurtful in many ways to many people. So sometimes the only way to get better or change is to no longer be together.
It's not easy, or sometimes not even what you want, but you know it's for the better.
While I know how I wrote about this may seem harsh but It's been YEARS and still I care so incredibly much for her, I miss her, I hope that she's doing better than ever and all her biggest dreams come true. And even though it's probably bad for me, I still secretly hope that one day we will get to be apart of each other lives once again. None the less I doubt that will ever happen so I can only hope that she lives on and lives happy.

 

[imperfectcircle]

In the past I had a gf who was also dealing with her own mental health. When I actually opened up about being suicidal and the fact that I was engaging in sh behaviours she also became increasingly agitated and intent on suicide, or as she often said "getting worse". Originally she was very comforting and kind as she understood the struggle of mental health challenges. Eventually it started to become a one sided competition of her being "worse", how she was "unfixable", and so on and so on. I always tried my best to support and comfort her the way she had once done for me. Though after so much time spent 'caring for wounds' and trying to do absolutely anything to create change for the better only to have the same thing happen over and over again, you start get frustrated and feel a little resentment. When there is so much self hatred and pitty it becomes difficult for them to 1 want to change 2 actually try— they might say so but they don't even know what actually trying looks like(I say this as someone on both sides of this point). It's like putting all your heart and soul +physical efforts into planting a garden only for it to become dry desolate soil for the soul reasons of it not wanting to change itself and to watch you continue to try. Unfortunately it became to much for either of us and anybody around us(family, friends, healthcare team, etc.) to rationally handle or even put up with that we are not longer together. There was more to the situation which I tried just barely touch on, but point is that it become toxic and hurtful in many ways to many people. So sometimes the only way to get better or change is to no longer be together.
It's not easy, or sometimes not even what you want, but you know it's for the better.
While I know how I wrote about this may seem harsh but It's been YEARS and still I care so incredibly much for her, I miss her, I hope that she's doing better than ever and all her biggest dreams come true. And even though it's probably bad for me, I still secretly hope that one day we will get to be apart of each other lives once again. None the less I doubt that will ever happen so I can only hope that she lives on and lives happy.

That's rough, and I can relate with a lot of what you're saying. It seems like people need healing before being in a relationship, especially if both are mentally ill. It's sad to know you guys couldn't stay together, but I'm grateful you're both in a safer environment. It sucks knowing the only way to get better is to seperate. My feelings are so complicated. All I'll say is that if I could see this outcome before we got together, I wouldn't have began this relationship. Now that I'm in it however, I don't feel like I can leave… Unfortunate situation. Thank you for sharing your experience and replying. I hope you are okay.

 

[charlavail]

yes, and i left him. he always wanted to be miserable together, and at that point in time it felt like he was dragging me farther into the deep end. I've gotten a lot worse since then a lot of bad shit has happened, but I'd rather be alone than have someone like me with me and we both drag each other into the depths of hell. this is my cross to bear.

 

[imperfectcircle]

yes, and i left him. he always wanted to be miserable together, and at that point in time it felt like he was dragging me farther into the deep end. I've gotten a lot worse since then a lot of bad shit has happened, but I'd rather be alone than have someone like me with me and we both drag each other into the depths of hell. this is my cross to bear.

That's completely fair, it's enough dealing with your own shit. Having someone bringing you down is so difficult. I'm so sorry things have gotten worse for you, take care of yourself. I'm glad you're still okay, I get you when you say it's your cross to bear.

 

[Cepheuss]

I mean ive been in a similar situation ish? I was in a shit relationship where we were both depressed and suicidal but anytime i tried to actually talk about my own issues she'd just get weirdly competitive and talk about how many times she had tried to kill herself. Not much help but yeah

 

[imperfectcircle]

I mean ive been in a similar situation ish? I was in a shit relationship where we were both depressed and suicidal but anytime i tried to actually talk about my own issues she'd just get weirdly competitive and talk about how many times she had tried to kill herself. Not much help but yeah

God that's awful, I really can't stand the competitiveness of some people. I think that's what causes so many of us to keep to ourselves until we break. I'm glad you're out of that relationship, I'm sure it took you a lot of courage. I hope you're doing alright

 

[Cepheuss]

God that's awful, I really can't stand the competitiveness of some people. I think that's what causes so many of us to keep to ourselves until we break. I'm glad you're out of that relationship, I'm sure it took you a lot of courage. I hope you're doing alright

Yeah it was definitely way too much to be in a relationship with another suicidal person but its been 3 years so im better now i don't have to deal with that on top of everything lol

 

[imperfectcircle]

Yeah it was definitely way too much to be in a relationship with another suicidal person but its been 3 years so im better now i don't have to deal with that on top of everything lol

For sure I'm glad you don't have someone else to take care of and you can focus on yourself. I wish you luck, take care of yourself