Venting Anyone from South Korea?

[darkdarkdark]

(My english is not great)
I live in South Korea. I've had clinical depression for about ten years now and things have never gotten better for me.
Well, they actually did get better sometimes but I always ended up ruining things.
I had a job, a career that looked somewhat promising but I messed all up.
I don't even feel like talking about it because it was too painful.
My friends left me because I am selfish and egocentric.
My parents are tired of who I am and just wants to me to live a normal life.
But the only thing that is in my brain is how to ctb.
I've searched hours on end how to ctb.
It seems impossible to get N or SN in Korea.

It was painful to accept that I am trash. I can't even pay the rent fee for my apartment so my parents do it. I am back to getting monthly allowance from them.
I can feel how much they disdain me. I can't imagine raising a kid to be this kind of selfish monster who cannot even clean up her own mess.
I feel sorry for them... and to others around me who had to deal with me.
I really wish I can ctb and get freedom.
I know for sure that people around me will be better off without me.
Yes, there will be grief but it's much better than me deteriorating their life day by day...

I've been thinking of jumping into Han River but that has become too hard to do it and I don't want to risk being alive with any permanent damage after my attempt.
Since it's impossible for me to get N or SN, partial hanging seems like fitting.
But I have not found the sweet spot yet so I have failed.

I wish I was someone else. Like, had I known that I would be like this, I wouldn't have been born.

 

[Suicidal Little Boy]

Hello! I am a kopinoy (korean-filipino) though I can't speak in korean that well so 죄송해요. I know that I read this too late but I just want to say that I am also in similar situation as you are and I still have to go to the army since I'm a dude but thankfully I managed to enter through 공익 instead.
I am also searching for other cbt methods since it is not possible to get N or SN in here (If only I was able to purchase SN before 2020 when that damn government regulate it in chemical control act). Let me know if you have other peaceful methods you have so far!

 

[RUPA]

I feel for you. I've been there, done that.
I am Korean living in US. I'm thinking of going to Korea to ctb if need be. It feels more comfortable to exit there. There are lots of extreme high rise apartment buildings around. You can easily have access to effective Korean charcoal (번개탄) as well. I've also been seeing news articles about internet suicide pacts(partners) in Korea, which seems they are carried out quite actively and successfully in that country.

Korea has been known to top suicide rate among the OECD countries for the last 20 years. Indeed, there is something peculiar about that country. Typical traditional Korean parents' reactions to their (adult) child's depression or other difficulties are likely to be scolding, anger and disdain. My so called folks were no different if not worse.