Discussion Anyone feel like they've lived too long?

[tofargone]

I wish my first attempt was a succes id finally be free from the suffering

 

[ClownMe]

I'm going to be 22 in a few months, that feels like long enough.

 

[Unlucked]

Should have died when I was 19, during that time I actually attempted with serious intent to die but didn't have strong enough methods and had to get my stomach pumped, but I would try partial suspension hanging and kept failing/ almost every week. Now I'm 24, but for some reason I don't even have the strength to attempt even though I want to die more than I did then.

I'm just perpetually fatigued and lie in bed most of the day, everyday. But I have access to SN so itll happen one of these days, probably in the next couple of months.

 

[Sad_Sack]

Yes. 30 years too long.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I wish I had done it in 2019. I'm 45 F

 

[Adamsnolife]

Yes. Probably lived about 8 years longer but can't go Just yet

 

[Made4TV]

No matter how I write this I'm sure it won't come out right, and probably be misunderstood. But I started crying when I read posts from people here in their early 20s. I know so many people who, in their early 20s, didn't think they could make it, but now have lives they've built that they love. On the other hand, that's not everybody. I have one friend who ironically has never been suicidal which seems frankly a bit bonkers to me. And when I look at his life I'm not sure why he hasn't.

Another ex-friend lied to me and many others about having cancer and has just hurt multiple people being a general con artist. I know she had a bout of depression in her early 20s and I kind of feel like she's been a waste of oxygen for a long time. If you get what I'm saying here.

I guess there are no guarantees. it's all a risk assessment. Trying to predict if things will get better, but with the possibility it could get worse. How long are we willing to play this game of chance? When do we hold 'em and when do we fold em?

For me, I have no problem going but feel strongly that there are some people in life who need me. So I stay for now. And I'm still wanting to have hope for all of you in this thread, too. Can't seem to entirely kill it.

 

[HateMyPointlessLife]

I decided I wanted to ctb at 12 years old. And now 18 years later. I'm still here. And I truly hate myself for it. The only goal I had for my twenties was to have ctb by the end of them. And I screwed that up too. I knew I would never get better, and that things would only get worse. And never wanted to reach adulthood, let alone this age. I knew I would never be able to handle life. And I could have spared myself and others extra years of having to deal with me. Now I barely have the energy to get up at all everyday. And I have a bunch of illnesses making life even more intolerable. I will always hate myself for not being successful years ago. And society for keeping me living like this.

 

[Summer Child]

I feel like I really should have, a long time ago. I hung on because I thought things were gonna get better, after meeting some people who were actually decent. I thought that maybe they could show me a different side of life. But, in the end, even if I experience some temporary happiness sometimes, it's just that, temporary. And I feel like it's happiness I don't deserve.

The thought of going through the dying process itself doesn't scare me. I feel like I've overstayed anyway, that I'm living on borrowed time. I did almost die once, of pneumonia, when I was fourteen. That time, I didn't really feel anything particular about it either. Just a sort of calm.

 

[StolenLife]

I should have died at 12 years old after I almost drowned. Nothing felt right since. Then things got so much worse and I tried ctbing at 16 but it was not a good attempt. Then now at 22 I'm stuck at a ward and treated like the worst criminal because I GAVE UP on jumping since SI was too strong. I feel 82 instead of 22, I've seen all there is to see and most is suffering.

 

[Papilio_polyxenes]

Without question, yes.

By around the age of 11-13, I recognized that I was a weird kid who would struggle to succeed at life. Parents largely kept me confined to homeschool because they feared I'd get bullied or "labeled" with a diagnosis or disability.

Family life looked outwardly pleasant to random strangers and relatives, but the reality was quite dysfunctional. First contemplated suicide seriously at age 15, but I'm glad I didn't go through with it. Life got better by age 18-20 when I left for university, but I flunked an entire year after becoming ill once again. Dropping out caused a resurgence of suicidal feeling for me, but I instead poured myself into other endeavors (caregiving for relatives, working minor jobs, going to a commuter school part-time).

After five years of all that, I've gotten absolutely nowhere. My mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness in April. Coworkers at my dead-end retail job have been treating me differently for months, and I've recently overheard office gossip about efforts to have me fired.

Wish I had opted for the CTB route when I flunked out of university. Or died peacefully at age 9 of dehydration when I was very ill.

 

[eldiablo666]

def feels like I overstayed my welcome kinda feeling

 

[achromatic]

Oh dear - yes. I turned 20 recently and I fucking hate it. I feel like failure for living this long and tbh regardless of wanting to live or ctb I feel guilty for not dying yet. Seriously I have this deep sense of guilt because of not ctb yet- like every time Im alone at home I think I should have use this opportunity

 

[SectOfValtiel]

Yeah
When I was younger I actually got to the point of planning, I was going to hang myself out by the shed
But a lot of that was because I was dealing with my emotionally and verbally abusive dad, I was (still am) living in a disgusting hoarders shithole of a trailer, I didnt have many friends and I couldnt see an escape other than that

Then I made a new friend, even dated her and she was probably the most gorgeous girl in school to my little middle schooler eyes, a year or so later my dad was kicked out for the last time and so for a long time things just seemed better
Me depression kinda laid dormant until after high school when it started spiraling and has been since


Theres this thought process thats been stuck with me for years now, the idea that I was meant to die back then
I was supposed to die as preordained by the universe iteself and meeting that friend was the first domino that caused me to cheat death
So every single bad thing that has happened to me since has been through some cosmic influence just trying to right a wrong
Im not meant to even be alive and thats why I never make a positive impression on anyone, thats why everyone seems to forget I exist, thats why nobody even so much as stays in my life longer than a year, and thats why no amount of therapy or medication even so much as improves my mood
Im already dead just not in the physical
Every year, every day, everything gets slowly worse and it will for the rest of my life
So the only way to get it to stop is to CTB

Theres even a part of me that thinks itd make the world a better place if I did, not just because I hate myself but because my existence is a mistake
If I had died back then I never would have wound up hurting my ex the way I did

I know its silly, but thats how it feels a lot of times
Its easier to believe theres some reason for it than to know my life just happened to be a bad one filled with mistakes Ive made
Its a funny coincidence though seeing how many people had their first CTB attempt/thoughts at 12
Thats about how old I was, too

 

[fettuccinenoodle]

I haven't truly been alive because I've suffered for far too long.

I definitely feel this. Half my life has been depressed, stressed, and full of anxiety.

 

[onlyway63]

I'm only in my 30s, but I feel like I should be at least three times my real age. I feel like someone who has lived so incredibly long that they're tired of life, and ready, even eager, to die.
The thought of living into my 40s, 50s, or even longer fills me with dread. I know that even if I don't CTB soon, I'll definitely do it once everyone in my family, everyone I've ever cared about, has either died or moved away, and I'm completely alone, and I really, really don't want to live that long.

 

[outrider567]

Yes

 

[lachrymost]

When you attempt to CTB in your teens or 20s, the idea of having "your whole future ahead of you" is the carrot they dangle. Well, I took the carrot and deeply regret it.

Powerful words. I can imagine what I have to "look forward to" and it's chilling. Unbelievable that we're forced to gamble with our quality of life every day. I want to quit the habit!

 

[BipolarExpress]

I'm only in my 30s, but I feel like I should be at least three times my real age. I feel like someone who has lived so incredibly long that they're tired of life, and ready, even eager, to die.
The thought of living into my 40s, 50s, or even longer fills me with dread. I know that even if I don't CTB soon, I'll definitely do it once everyone in my family, everyone I've ever cared about, has either died or moved away, and I'm completely alone, and I really, really don't want to live that long.

I feel similarly—I'm in my 30s, but I feel as though I "should" be older for a number of reasons. (I feel weirdly anachronistic—I'm old-fashioned in some ways, yet a lot of my political and social views are far to the left of most mainstream politicians in the US.) But my perspective feels increasingly jaded and weary. I'm tired of life and wish I could just die quietly of old age right now, rather than waiting another thirty to fifty years to do so.

 

[AbacusRex]

Should have died in a hospital bed years ago. Wish I had, things never got any better

 

[jodes2]

I wish I'd died when I first tried to kill myself 20 years ago. But putting a plastic bag over your head is not a viable method. Wish I'd had SN or N back then

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah, I have lived at least 10 or 15 years too long.

 

[BipolarExpress]

I wish I'd died when I first tried to kill myself 20 years ago. But putting a plastic bag over your head is not a viable method. Wish I'd had SN or N back then

I tried that method, too. Needless to say it didn't work.

 

[HateMyPointlessLife]

I never wanted to get to adulthood. I always wanted to die in my teens at some point. I wish I had been successful dying back then. I even felt like I had lived way too long at that point in my life. Now it's just extra years of torture. When I knew instinctively life would just keep getting worse for me.

 

[aladdin]

No, not at all. I'm sad to go young.

 

[Life interrupted]

Don't want to live past 40

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

I regret not joining the 27 club. I wanted to go at that time but hope niggled me around that time and I didn't do it.

 

[Pentobarbital_Plz]

Never had a truly happy life but this last year I even I lost the feeling of excitement and anticipation that I had for the few things in my life that made me keep going. Everything that excited me stopped doing it. Its like Ive seen/done everything I had to. I dont know if someone else has this feeling I'd rather feel sad than dead inside but thats how it goes.
Thats why I cannot comprehend how someone can keep going until their 60-80s without having the same feeling and finding new things to be excited for. Maybe im too cold or a fucking robot psychopath but thats how it is now.

YES. Like, okay, I think I got the experience. Please let me off the ride now

 

[Chronicoverwhelm]

Far too long, 25-ish years too long.
I failed at CTB in 1995 when I was 19. Oh how I so wish it had worked. Little did I know at the time how much worse life was going to get. I have so many more reasons to CTB now than I did at 19. I truly expected to be successful when I had tried, but there was no internet and I didn't have access to much. I remember my horror when I woke up and thought 'how am I still here!!!' Lack of a fail-proof method, fear and a commitment to my pets over the years has stopped me from trying again.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I've lived too long with this dysphoria. There is nothing redeemable about this life.