I know this much. She died last year @ 99 on her birthday, Her baneful influence on me forced me to spit in two directions; OTOH it really wasn't until I was in my 50s when I found that I seemed to be less reaction-al?. It was subtle. I noticed this major change in myself almost always only when my spidey sense told me to get ready t panic any second. But somehow I endure the fast melting fright subsides. The other thing that shaped me, besides her irrational hatred of meas a child. "Yer no good, yer just like your father. He was no good and you'll be just like him." My father knocked up my mother when he returned from Iwo Jima and Okinawa fighting against fanatical Japanese , well they met after the war, and they were forced to marry b/c of lil ole me growing inside her belly. We lived in a cinder block project and we didn't know we were poor. After my ("shell shocked") dad went away to a psych hospital & then to prison for a while then my mom would scowl at me and say "Yer the spittin image of him." I was her ball & chain. Etc, etc, etc. The point I'm so awkwardly belaboring is that sometimes the lemons sweeten despite your own best efforts to remain oblivious while the major Freudian substitute for her the witch lady I was shackled to, & vice versa, the Jungian archetypal Mother takes over from your surrogate Freudian Moms who loved you especially if you got good grades. So I did. Along the way somewhere, in my 40s, I earned a masters in mental health counseling, I don't say this to boast, just to give context.For most of my grown up yrs I worked as a bricklayer & many other types of dead end jobs, never married, travelled up & down the East Coast. Construction work never really got in the way of my drinking career. Back to my point. The one I told you about when I said eventually I'd find lemonade already made and sweetened. Well brace yourselves: One of the most profound quotes I ever ran across : " Personality is a constellation of defense mechanisms," Zooooieeey! That accounts for my striving for academic and sports awards-to shield my shame installed and instilled by my mom's visceral hated for me. I managed to get a full ride including room & board at a small swanky college with free kegs every Sat and plenty of weed, sex and great rock during the earliest years of the 1970's. all's I'm saying is that occasionally that damaged child who is you has and is capable of remarkable things, along the way. If we're lucky. I deeply hope for you to find peace through your efforts to accept all that has happened as water under the bridge. That relentless flow which softens the sharp edges, over the centuries. I rarely write, ad I haven't been here long. I came here to occasionally read some of all of your messages and revelations. 10 yrs ago a freak twist of my neck shifted 5 neck discs inward against the spinal cord, thus permanently cutting the wires all the way down my body, esp my right hand, leg, etc. I rent a room. I've been here 5 years. I love it, for the most part. This facility id for formerly homeless, elderly, mentally or physically disabled I fit right in. But I have sworn to myself that wen I could no longer walk to the bathroom, or couldn't sue my walker back & forth 1/2 block to shop for cigarettes and food. I said if I could no longer take care of myself I will ctb, Last evening as I took the first of 3 steps from my microwave to my bed, the 1st step collapsed my knee, both my legs buckled and I tried my best to use a wall and the little fridge and settled in slow motion with a thud and I had to stay there for at least a full minute I who could never stay still all my 69 yrs, Lucky for me. I managed to get some SN. So for now I keep taking it one day at a time. I wish I could share this joint with you. It's medical marijuana and it's legal in Pennsylvania. well. it's been nice to visit with you all. I wish you can all take the bitter with the sweet and make sure you write your own novel. "The Meaning of Your (fill in the blank) Life"
