Anyone else was extremely sad even as a little kid?

[leavingthesoultrap]

I remember crying often at kindergarten. Even back that then I felt lonely and not understood.

 

[warm dreams]

Ooh yeah. I've always been aloof and sad. I remember when I was at holiday events where adults were having fun, I thought that they were so stupid that they allowed themselves to have fun. It seems to me that even then I realized the complete meaninglessness of existence and I sincerely did not understand how you can have fun, be distracted from life and be in a moment of pleasure. I have never been lonely until now; I have always had friends. Despite this, I still did not understand their philistine way of life early on. They seem to be bots or NPCs.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Yes totally, I was always a little bit different to the other kids. I felt VERY vulnerable but couldn't put my finger on why. I had friends but I spent a lot of time alone because I didn't wanna do most things they did. I think I was depressed even as a little kid so I couldn't be happy like the other children. I think my parents and teachers should've picked up on it but they were always like "she's just shy". I thought it'd be something I grew out of but it's more like I got worse as I got older.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, as overall I'm just not meant for existing. I've never wanted to exist here, even when I was very young the thought of being dead comforted me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Weirdly, I had more to cry about as a young child. My Mum, Grandpa and Nana had all died by the time I was 10. I had enough love from my Grandma and Dad though I think to comfort me. Those years were comparatively far happier to afterwards when I then lived with a (suspected) narcissist. They were the very worst years of my life- to date. I can't imagine feeling more frightened and unhappy as that. I hope I wouldn't put up with it now. I think a shitty childhood does set you up for a fall in life though. It's hard to recover completely from all that.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I was miserable since I was born, even when I was very young I was always afraid and anxious. I was always thinking about how to be invisible, how to not be seen by others. I started thinking about CTB in early gradeschool. Everyone else just said I was shy.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Yes, I remember crying every day before school when I was in kindergarten because I was just so miserable. I remember the dreadful feeling I would get waking up from naps because I didn't want to be alive.

 

[kittyswift]

yeah. growing up as an undiagnosed autistic was really difficult- i wasn't "autistic enough" to be noticed as neurodivergent but i wasn't "normal" enough to fit in with everyone else. I always felt very alone and left out because nobody in my whole world understood me. I have a lot of childhood memories of just being alone and watching everyone else get along well while i didn't know how to. it was really lonely

 

[Kit1]

I only have one photo aged 13 where I was laughing. All my memories are of being abused. Everyone thought I was miserable. Kids apparently called me "mad" (I was non verbal till the age of 6), had no friends till my late teens and basically life was a total disaster as a kid. I escaped, survived and ended up here.., What more can I say - I guess there is always hope given I have had so much positivity in Mt adult life after a disastrous start..,

 

[tiger b]

yeah. growing up as an undiagnosed autistic was really difficult- i wasn't "autistic enough" to be noticed as neurodivergent but i wasn't "normal" enough to fit in with everyone else. I always felt very alone and left out because nobody in my whole world understood me. I have a lot of childhood memories of just being alone and watching everyone else get along well while i didn't know how to. it was really lonely

I definitely relate to that. I always felt like I was in two worlds, pulling myself in two different directions, not knowing where I really belonged.

 

[twin size mattress]

Definitely relate to a lot in this thread. I also cried a lot as a kid, and started self harming when i was pretty young too. I'm sure I probably had my happy moments too, but on the other hand i vividly remember simply expecting that i would ctb some number of years in the future.

 

[piss]

i always felt this sense of void and loneliness even when surrounded by friends. i could never be satisfied even if i never lacked anything materialistic. there was always this impending sense of doom, pit in my stomach. it never goes away-life just finds more reasons to make you feel this way

 

[TransientEternal]

Wasn't sad, but always thought that death is preferable.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

Mhmmm. I think some of it's my autism too. And hell is other people, as they say. Too much work, too much energy, too many problems to deal with.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I recall being very lonely in my childhood. I didn't connect with my peers easily. Initially, it was due to my shyness, but later on, I realized that I truly just didn't fit in. I couldn't blend into the mold, so I explored my own interests. Yet, in turn, that only furthered my isolation. I am frankly terrible at masking my emotions, aside from when I am hiding my suicidal urges. I carry this permanent disconnect between myself and my peers, where I can never become fully invested in a group experience. I linger on the edges of community, unable to cross the boundary lines that would make me feel truly at home.

 

[hi-okbye]

i was happier as a kid from what i remember. even through all the trauma i went through at the very beginning of my life, i still managed to be cheerful. the first time i ever remember being suicidal, was 6th-7th grade. i probably have some learning/processing issues, but i was always behind my age group, only socially though. i didn't understand how i was supposed to act, what i was supposed to wear, etc. and you could argue that the kids i was around started acting "more adultlike" too early, but it doesn't change the fact that i was behind them. it took longer than most, but around that time i started to realize everything.. and how i wasn't that. i didn't fit into their standards, and realizing i might never made me prefer not being around at all. almost everyone despised being around me in a way, we would laugh.. but i was the joke :/
when i realized that it hit me super hard, and no matter how much i grew up, how much effort i put into fitting in, i was always out in some way. there are things that no amount of clothes or makeup could cover up to make people accept me as normal. and i grew up hating the world for that, just wishing i was "normal".

 

[BlockHammer]

Tbh, as a kid i had this weird tendancy to cry over a little thing. I dont know why and when i remember about it again, i was cringing to myself. Nevertheless, i was more hapier and more hopefull before turing into 20. I hope i can go back to those time man, but right now this suicidal thought haunt me for my failure (not often but in the worst time, this thought came to me)

 

[Kit1]

It is just so striking how many of us are autistic/neurodivergent here.

 

[hi-okbye]

It is just so striking how many of us are autistic/neurodivergent here.

it definitely does increase risk of suicidality in life. when you constantly feel left out, and have a hard time doing basic things, it can be hard to even just find a will to live.

 

[Kit1]

it definitely does increase risk of suicidality in life. when you constantly feel left out, and have a hard time doing basic things, it can be hard to even just find a will to live.

Right now, I am struggling to convince myself that I want to see tomorrow - though I know that I should for the sake of my children. Can't even ring and speak to my doctor (not using NHS medical services apart from seeing the clinical psychologist due to accessibility challenges connected to autism and cPTSD). I think I understand what you are saying.

 

[worstgirl7716]

Yeah.. they had me on antidepressants as a little kid, when I was only 7 or 8. I've been on and off them since. Its really hard to expect things to improve when sad is all you've ever known.

 

[F@#$]

I remember having some happy memories of being a little kid. By the time I was in my teens I've been ready to die. Not sure exactly why. Over time It's evolved into a deep hatred of myself, the world and just about everyone in it. Now I'm not just looking to die I intend to cause trauma and exact revenge. I've become evil.

 

[formerlyknown]

I don't really remember my childhood tbh, my working theory is that after my grandma died in my house, with me on the next room, I simply shut out creating memories for a couple years. What little I remember, the sadness comes and goes, but it says from 14-ish onwards

 

[notori]

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was 11 or 12 when I was first put in therapy… I was bullied ruthlessly in elementary and middle school and things at home were rough and violent. I was either 12 or 13 when I was put in a psych ward for the first time for being suicidal. It doesn't surprise me that I was diagnosed so young, but I mourn the fact that I lost so much of my childhood and younger years I should've been enjoying to mental illness and residential therapy. I wish I had been a normal kid. Thinking back on it makes me feel sick. I constantly compare myself to my peers that have never had to go to therapy….my boyfriend grew up in a wealthy family and his parents took him on vacations around the world for his birthdays and stuff. I grew up on food stamps. He gets really upset at me whenever I mention that he was so privileged growing up. I guess I just get really jealous that he had such a good childhood.

 

[pochii]

I remember when I first got really really sad. Nothing was interesting me and my mom was desporatly trying to cheer me up with things to do and it wasnt working. I would just sit there. I feel so bad about that. I try not to think about it but when I do it makes me so sad. I didnt want her seeing me so sad and I could only imagine how she felt. Around that time I would go to her and tell her that im sad. I never had a clue why I was sad but I went to her. Sometimes we would go on a car ride to help but nothing ever seemed to and i eventually stopped going to her. I hate thinking about that time. I vividly can remember looking out the window of my sisters room and watching my mom twirl some sort of ribbon on a stick to try and cheer me up and all i felt was sadness. I wanna tell her so bad that i appreciated that, even if it didnt work. But she would know something is up with me if I told her that.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yes. It's always been shitty for me to live even during childhood. After all, I've always suffered and I will continue to suffer

 

[Kit1]

I had two states of mind all my life throughout my childhood till my late teens - numb (dissociated) or sad/depressed.

 

[R_N]

I had reasons to be but I was not sad all the time. Things I went through (not just childhood) did affect me tho and it all crumbled down eventually.

Only good thing out of all the crap I had to endure is how it made me think outside the box which can be fun. Also, not being emotional anymore helps me cope better. I adapted I guess until it is no longer possible. But I am fine with that, I accepted my fate with all I know now.

 

[tristis_melodiam]

I was the same way, always feeling lonely and depressed as a child. When I came to school, I just kept quiet and didn't talk to anyone.

 

[whats_the_point]

My earliest memories are lying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling wondering what happens to us after we die. I may have been about 3 or 4 at that time. I have no other memory of this stage in my life except this one. The thought of having my consciousness floating around in space depressed me. I remember thinking about the same at school and always being quiet and distant. The other kids didn't have such thoughts and I didn't know how to put my feelings into words and tell my parents. Also, I didn't want to scare them. As someone pointed out, so many of us in this thread seem neurodivergent. That could explain the childhood sadness/morbidity.