Anyone else was extremely sad even as a little kid?

[BlessedBeTheFlame]

I should have killed myself, when I first got the idea at 8 or 9 or whatever it fucking was. I always got bullied in school until I went quiet. The only problem was that people didn't bully me in worse ways. I wish they had broken my spirit until I had given up forever and destroyed everything, that made me myself. I wish I had no hobbies and no interests and no personality and no characteristics of my own, so that I could fit in with people. I should've never been allowed to become a person myself. I am a vile, disgusting subhuman and should've been bullied into suicide a decade ago. I've never fitted in with others, but that's the only thing that matters about me. Unless I can entirely destroy myself, I will always be a subhuman. I'll always be a subhuman. I must die. I wish i had never been allowed to live or become anything. I just wish people were worse. I wish someone kill me, since I don't deserve a shot at anything.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

Yea. I was. And a few months ago I was told about a time when I was 9/10 & my dad had to come by parents were divorced at this point. But apparently I was having a meltdown & just kept crying and screaming that I wanted to be dead/ wished I didn't exist. And I was also hitting myself.

 

[matt1968]

I was a real worrier in a family environment that often felt very tense and not emotionally nurturing.

I had thoughts of death and dying.

I had poor sleep.

All of this was made light of.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

My earliest memories are lying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling wondering what happens to us after we die. I may have been about 3 or 4 at that time. I have no other memory of this stage in my life except this one. The thought of having my consciousness floating around in space depressed me. I remember thinking about the same at school and always being quiet and distant. The other kids didn't have such thoughts and I didn't know how to put my feelings into words and tell my parents. Also, I didn't want to scare them. As someone pointed out, so many of us in this thread seem neurodivergent. That could explain the childhood sadness/morbidity.

I remember that I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was this particular human girl and not a wild fox for example.

 

[Meteora]

I don't have much memory of my childhood. It turned out it was violent and I therefore dissociated at a very early age. This pattern of dissociation continued and got more and more complex and pronounced. Many things are still burried in me but when I think of it all, I get very very sad today.

 

[kermudgeon]

Yeah.. they had me on antidepressants as a little kid, when I was only 7 or 8. I've been on and off them since. Its really hard to expect things to improve when sad is all you've ever known.

I was on antidepressants too, age ten, but they told me it was for something else! I only recently learned that it was for depression when I saw it on a list of other meds to choose from.

It is just so striking how many of us are autistic/neurodivergent here.

The few friends I've kept through the years are also neurodivergent. Also I think my parents are undiagnosed, making us a whole family of weirdees. When I have to interact with normies I get so nervous and end up saying/doing something to tip them off that I'm not normal.

Part of it's being trans and part of it's being autistic, but I always feel like I'm wearing my body as a costume and doing it badly. Like I can see in people's eyes that they know what I'm trying for and they're not buying it. It's fucking depressing lol, hence...

 

[cold_severance]

no, since i wasnt allowed to be sad. i wouldve otherwise.