Venting Anyone else struggle to actually do anything because they're spending all their energy on staying sane?

[skyunderthesea]

I definitely have a crazy side. It mostly comes out when I mix alcohol and weed and start incomprehensibly babbling about suicide and everyone hating me. Unfortunately, I feel as if that part of me is the real me buried under layers of subconscious repression and sheer force of will. I'm fairly stoic in day to day life and don't want to lose control of myself. I hate the thought of that being what people think of me. Maybe it's just me being vain, I don't know.
I don't know if I can keep it in forever. I don't know if I can tell anyone how I truly feel. I've told one of my friends about everything that happened to me and that I feel like something's wrong with me but I never get very specific. Even my shroom trip where I got extremely suicidal I just framed as a "bad trip". It was a bad trip but it was also a much more authentic self than I ever present to anyone. I sometimes feel as if I am going psychotic but I have too much self awareness to fully succumb to it. How much fucking alcohol do I have to drink to kill my self awareness? I guess I'll find out. At the rate I'm going, I'm gonna die of liver failure before I kill the higher functions of my brain that amplify my torment. It has to kill enough brain cells at some point to numb my painful self awareness, right? It doesn't do much good knowing what exactly is wrong with me when I can't fix it. Like, I might know my arm is broken, and I might know how to make a cast, but it's a lot harder to actually make a cast due to the broken arm thing.
I'm not even religious or spiritual but sometimes I rationalize my life as being some kind of punishment for something I did in a past life. I know it's not true, but it's a small comfort to think that there's some kind of higher justice.

I went on a lil rambly rant lol. Well regardless it's nice to just scream into the void.

 

[nayomi]

psycadelics really get the authentic self out of us.
maybe it is good to conteplate about suicide instead of running away from it

 

[here_for_now]

Yep that's me, I've been forced to be sober from weed and off all meds for a month and I realized that Im having a hard time saying sane.

But it does have a positive trade off, Im am clear enough to realize for me personally catching the bus is the answer.

It's a very low chance basically lottery numbers my life gets any better and yes the meds and weed did help me cope and stay sane, but the trade off was I lacked the willpower to commit to any plan or even seriously consider suicide.

The question I ask anybody reading this is, is it worth numbing yourself to stay sane in a fucked up world? Food for thought

 

[itsgone2]

The question I ask anybody reading this is, is it worth numbing yourself to stay sane in a fucked up world? Food for thought

To me, no. Not remotely.
I don't want to go insane though. It's approaching. I'd rather just exit.