Somehow I've had an understanding that I lack self-control for my entire life. I also suspect that other peoples' agency is merely a construct, and personal identity is also a construct. In reality the vast majority of our decision making processes are subconscious and also they are transmitted between individuals on that same subconscious level.
But yeah, for myself I've been feeling like I can't control my actions for pretty much my whole life. It's not everything, or I'd be a bank robber, but it's to some degree. If I feel I can "get away with something", then I will inevitably do it. "Getting away" just means... I don't know, actually. I'm quite irreverent so go ahead and call me a piece of shit; I don't care. There are contexts in which I function as an amazing human being--I am hyper-empathetic to a level that sometimes looks like mind-reading to people without my psychological makeup [normies if you will].
But in stressful situations, I can't help but run on survival mode and basically that means I'll scrape the top off of anything I possibly can and put it into my own resources. And there have been precious few moments among these "normally adapted" apes in which I am not threatened by their hurtful narratives and unwillingness to take responsibility for their own emotional reactions.
So in that way I've always known that I'm fucked and I'll never amount to anything. After decades of reflection I think the issue is that my willpower is lower than the will required to make significant personal changes, and I have never been given enough time in a stable environment on which to work through it.
On the other hand and the reason I voted no, is because I am decided to not be sad about this. I was born different; with some disabilities as they are considered. I was never looked after because my birthday predates any medical understanding of my issues. People can't be blamed for their own upbringings and they were raised to believe I'm inherently So Strong TM because I'm a large male human. I'm actually super easy to traumatise so fuck that noise lol.
Anyway that's just all facts. Why should I be the one to be miserable because the rest of humanity is a bunch of fucking predators? Honestly. When you get to the level of compassion and consideration that I am, which isn't to say I'm an angel.
I need to interrupt myself quickly and say that the compassion and consideration come from a constant fear of upsetting others around me because the slightest inkling of their discomfort slides right into my psyche and burns me from the inside.
Anyway from this perspective, other people "having spines" are predators on my energy. I just didn't want to imply I'm some angel. I'm a predator too, because I will use your spare change and drink your alcohol if you let me. I am probably projecting a lot as we're into unprocessed territory... so I am being the normie right now.
But I just don't want to suffer anymore. I am fully aware that I am a piece of shit but like where is my decision to be this way? Born a type of person who didn't even exist and then chronically invalidated and taken advantage of for decades, of course I learned to take advantage. To live until my 30s desperately asking for help because I knew something was wrong in my brain, because I knew I couldn't control my behaviours, it's really very insufficient and doesn't give me any feelings of camaraderie with the rest of humanity. Until my 30s I was miserable. I was nothing but a piece of trash. Just some loser who couldn't do better. But now I know. Now I know there are reasons and I was lied to about them.
So fuck all that grief. I'm not going to be miserable. I'm going to let go of the rest of these miserable fucks and die happy.
Some times were better than others but since my late 30s it's been brutal and unrelenting, a huge reason being also having to deal with physical health problems. I'm really sorry you're also suffering. I hope we can somehow find peace, as well as all of the other members on this site. I'm mainly bedridden at this point so I'm always around if you need to chat.
