Anyone else just waiting for something really bad to happen to give you motivation to CTB?

[DarknessAtNoon]

I feel like I am so close to being ready to CTB but not quite there. I feel that the next time anything moderately bad happens in my life that would push me over the edge and I would do it. Anyone else just waiting for the inevitable?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Waiting for my Dad to go first. Thinking that will remove the major obstacle of guilt. I'm pretty estranged from everyone else now. Also think I'll be devastated when he goes- so that should give me the final push. Yet still- I'm not convinced. I'm honestly such a coward and full of fear really.

 

[notmuchtimeleft27]

I want to prevent the worst case scenario. Part of me wants to believe it's fixable, part of me doesn't see the point in trying.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I know that suicide is the more rational option over enduring such a pointless and dreadful existence and of course to not exist is ideal for me and is preferable to any kind of life. Despite this actually going through with suicide is certainly not straightforward and I have an fear of ctb failing and leading to more suffering.

Suicide is just not easy in general as even know we want to leave, all humans are programmed to survive. But when life inevitability gets worse I will have to find a way to be gone. No matter what I will never reach old age, I cannot even imagine it and refuse to imagine it, the thought of having to exist that long is really so horrifying.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Yes. It would be the only way I could be driven to attempt, if I felt like a desperate, trapped animal with no threads left to clutch to.

 

[DarknessAtNoon]

Waiting for my Dad to go first. Thinking that will remove the major obstacle of guilt. I'm pretty estranged from everyone else now. Also think I'll be devastated when he goes- so that should give me the final push. Yet still- I'm not convinced. I'm honestly such a coward and full of fear really.

I'm in a similar situation as my dad is elderly with health starting to fail. I just don't even know if I could bear attending his funeral at this point though.

 

[lionetta12]

I feel like I am so close to being ready to CTB but not quite there. I feel that the next time anything moderately bad happens in my life that would push me over the edge and I would do it. Anyone else just waiting for the inevitable?

In the past 2 days, the worst things that could ever happen to me in my life, did happen. It feels like my entire world has collapsed beyond repair. What has happened is completely beyond my control. I can never recover from this. But I am in such emotional state of shock right now that I'm not able to CTB yet, even though I know that I have to do it soon.

 

[akirat9]

is already happen
自殺には強い意志と覚悟が必要であり、それは私が歩んでいる道でもあります。

 

[Sick of it all]

Every day brings me closer to CTB. It's like I'm a fish in a net and the net keeps closing in on me. I'm close to full closure of said net. Once I feel it is enough then I'll go to the other side. It seems so close. I've been trying to go through my stuff and toss it, as not to burden my family with tossing all of it. I just realize I have a lot of stuff and I may not be able to clear all of it soon enough. I feel stuck in that issue.

 

[plastic]

It may sound silly, but I'm still hoping for something to get me back on track. Although anything that could bring me back depends on money I don't have. The path to it is complicated and a very long and uncertain process. I'm not lucky in life, everything always gets complicated. I feel that I have sunk below the bottom light years away and that the return is very difficult and uncertain. I honestly don't know what to do myself, whether to kill myself soon or to continue to suffer...

 

[lifeisadream]

I thought I'd be able to hang on until my parents died but everyday the bleak mental struggle gets worse. Oddly I'm not afraid of dying but the thought of my parents dying scares the shit out of me. I do think though that it will take one more crap thing to happen to push me over the beautiful Beachy Head cliff into what I hope is eternal happiness.

 

[Blackroom_57]

Yes I'm waiting for the day when I finally stop caring and completely give up so that I can finally go through with my final attempt. I hope that day comes soon.

 

[DarknessAtNoon]

Every day brings me closer to CTB. It's like I'm a fish in a net and the net keeps closing in on me. I'm close to full closure of said net. Once I feel it is enough then I'll go to the other side. It seems so close. I've been trying to go through my stuff and toss it, as not to burden my family with tossing all of it. I just realize I have a lot of stuff and I may not be able to clear all of it soon enough. I feel stuck in that issue.

Good analogy I feel the same way. Im starting to feel almost certain that I have weeks left to live.

 

[Sick of it all]

Good analogy I feel the same way. Im starting to feel almost certain that I have weeks left to live.

It is such a shitty feeling. It gives me major anxiety for sure.

 

[TheManIllNeverBe]

I want to prevent the worst case scenario. Part of me wants to believe it's fixable, part of me doesn't see the point in trying.

I'm in a very similar place. Lots of ups and downs since being overmedicated after my car accident a decade ago, then all down since getting taken off of one of my antidepressants too quickly a couple of years ago. Waiting to either completely crash or miraculously recover, though the former seems more likely as nothing that I or doctors have tried has made any progress in the past couple of years.

 

[notmuchtimeleft27]

I'm in a very similar place. Lots of ups and downs since being overmedicated after my car accident a decade ago, then all down since getting taken off of one of my antidepressants too quickly a couple of years ago. Waiting to either completely crash or miraculously recover, though the former seems more likely as nothing that I or doctors have tried has made any progress in the past couple of years.

Hope may be dimming, but there's still a chance you can recover. There could be other factors that haven't be discovered yet. Even if it's less likely it can still happen. And the more you search for it the more you can trick your brain to look for ways to make it happen. Either way, I hope you find your peace, no matter your choice.

 

[atewithouttable]

Would rather die before something really bad happens to me again.

 

[TydalWave]

Yeah, I feel the same way. Until that day arises, there are also a ton of things I want to have done/feel like I need to do before I CTB. Doors to close so to speak. So while I wait for that day I may as well continue to prepare and cross those things off my list. I'm hopeful that eventually my list will be complete, but more than likely I will eventually hit the rock bottom you speak of and reach a point where the suffering outweighs the last things holding me back.

 

[onetapgandhi]

My father suspects me about to CTB so he is staying close to me for the past week but this can't last forever right? I am just waiting for him to leave me alone for like a day so I can fast and do my STAT SN process.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm in a similar situation as my dad is elderly with health starting to fail. I just don't even know if I could bear attending his funeral at this point though.

I'm so sorry. It's awful to see loved ones suffer.

Also sympathise with you there. Actually, there are likely to be family members at my Dad's funeral that I have managed to avoid for decades. One in particular you could say was the start of this suicidal ideation. It got to the point I was literally terrified of them. (I know that sounds pathetic).

There's a massive part of me that hopes I can do it straight after I hear the news of my Dad's passing- so I don't need to deal with all that. Trouble is- I'm not set up for it yet. I'm leaning towards SN but I need to get it still and I also need to get my affairs in order- new will, prepaid funeral, notes etc. Pretty disappointed in myself considering I've wanted this for so long (although- not as intensely as now) and haven't been more organised about it.

I hope your Dad isn't suffering and I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do.

 

[Tiny Little Tree]

At one point this was how I thought things would happen. Now... I don't know. Maybe I've just somehow managed to avoid something really bad happening.

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

I'm ending it today. A man glared at me at the gas station, I'm tired of being glared at like I'm scum of the earth, every time I leave my house. I have to kill myself, today. That's the only way this will stop

 

[notmuchtimeleft27]

I'm ending it today. A man glared at me at the gas station, I'm tired of being glared at like I'm scum of the earth, every time I leave my house. I have to kill myself, today. That's the only way this will stop

Don't worry about him. If you want to go through with it, it's okay. No matter what your past is -even if people see you as worse than Hitler- peace is a right to all life, including yours. You're not scum. What ever choice you make is yours, and I hope you find your peace regardless of your options.

 

[tisoxi9801]

I'm not totally sure anymore. I guess I kind of looked for trouble recently. Gave some polite gentlemen all my money and my phone and my card. Can't function with or without the alcohol. I guess I'm just procrastinating at this point.