Venting Anyone else feel guilty about finding new friends?

[StupiderJuniper]

This has been something that kinda haunts me the longer I live. A year ago, I had only a few friends who I'd really trust and feel sad for if I died. I was in complete misery, but those few people have let me live long enough to survive until 18 (something I didn't expect). It prolly would have been easier to do back then in retrospect. But as I keep living, I keep meeting new people and becoming friends with some of them. This was great for a few months, they helped my transition (MTF) and are all genuinely kind people, but life has went back to a horrid state. I feel really selfish about it, like I'm just finding more and more people that will eventually be hurt by my eventual end. While it may have been two or three people I'd feel guilty for a while ago, now its a whole group. I'm terrified that this will keep happening, or that I would have to do something horrible to make them all distance themselves from me before I CTB. idk, eitherway I will either end up hurting all of them by CTB or have to ruin myself so they wouldn't care. Its kinda an extra burden I just carry on top of all these thoughts.

I prolly am not the only person who feels like this, but I'm just curious if anyone else has these feelings, and how they manage them.

 

[troubled_puppet]

It's a while later, I didn't want this thread to have no replies.
You're a woman with free will, so you don't have to listen to me. But I'm speaking from my heart, please don't pre-emptively "ruin" your friendships. It sounds like you have a lovely support network and that is very valuable.

They may or may not grieve, and there isn't anything that can be done to influence an outcome. No matter what choice happens first. I hear a lot of care from your post, a lot of gratitude, and I wish I had easy fixes for you. I know you want to spare them pain.

I want to promise you something, even if you might rationally already know: you aren't responsible for the feelings people have about you, no matter if it's positive or negative, no matter if it's your family or your closest friends. But I relate, and accepting that you're only responsible for yourself doesn't make it easier to let go of the guilt.

Anyway. I dunno if I have good tips, i can only speak on what ive done personally. I write apology letters for friends I'm worried about, and then burn those letters. I used to make fake "I'm sorry, friend x" videos. Then i'd delete them. I'm paranoid and i kept it very vague, just letting them know it wasn't their fault. They were no longer than a voicemail. The point for me was just venting the feeling out and never sending.

Please take care.

 

[StupiderJuniper]

It's a while later, I didn't want this thread to have no replies.
You're a woman with free will, so you don't have to listen to me. But I'm speaking from my heart, please don't pre-emptively "ruin" your friendships. It sounds like you have a lovely support network and that is very valuable.

They may or may not grieve, and there isn't anything that can be done to influence an outcome. No matter what choice happens first. I hear a lot of care from your post, a lot of gratitude, and I wish I had easy fixes for you. I know you want to spare them pain.

I want to promise you something, even if you might rationally already know: you aren't responsible for the feelings people have about you, no matter if it's positive or negative, no matter if it's your family or your closest friends. But I relate, and accepting that you're only responsible for yourself doesn't make it easier to let go of the guilt.

Anyway. I dunno if I have good tips, i can only speak on what ive done personally. I write apology letters for friends I'm worried about, and then burn those letters. I used to make fake "I'm sorry, friend x" videos. Then i'd delete them. I'm paranoid and i kept it very vague, just letting them know it wasn't their fault. They were no longer than a voicemail. The point for me was just venting the feeling out and never sending.

Please take care.

hiya, thanks for the insight. haven't been checking here much so i didn't see this until now. the emotions about all this for me are mostly the same but i've become significantly closer with a close friend of mine after a small period of upset, you were very much right about not ruining friendships. i may try the apology letter thing, i've written notes and thoughts like that before and torn em up to kinda make myself feel relieved lmao. i hope you are doing well too.

 

[troubled_puppet]

it's no worries, im glad to hear an update. i wish others came by to give more tips or advices, i wish i had more to give. i was happy to see these notifs pop up when i saw them.

in any case, whatever it takes just to vent those feelings somewhere safe, that is very good. ive been told in the past those feelings will always exist even if we try to ignore them, and will need somewhere to go. idk if its true, but tearing up paper can be cathartic, anyway.

i hope you're holding up ok, and things stay ok with your friends.

 

[VanishedEurydice]

I've been alone my whole life but as soon as I decided that I'll ctb this summer a few months ago, so many wonderful people started appearing in my life. I knew that I'll end up hurting them in the end but I selfishly let them stay as I struggle with monophobia and need to constantly have someone to talk with or else I might become unstable. Of course, I feel really guilty about it, for I was planning on keeping these relationships shallow so that they can easily forget about me, but some of these people became attached. I have no idea what I'll tell them once I finally decide to do it yet, but for now I'm trying to be as much of a good friend to them as I can. I hope that fond memories of me will ease their grief at least a little bit. I'm sorry that I have no useful advice to offer, but I hope that at least the knowledge that you're not alone in these feelings will bring you some comfort.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I disappeared out of all my circles and basically out of my best friend's life at this point
I tried making a new friend after my decision to ctb but I ended up keeping her at arm's length

the closeness and familiarity makes me feel a mixture of guilt and like, gross?
I never felt this way before my decision so it's a bit odd for me

I still very much feel a desire to make friends and know people but I don't bother anymore

my feelings feel contradictory lol

 

[meowpuppy]

i feel guilty about making new friends for the exact opposite reason, fear they'll hurt me, because i'm not 100% sure i can even recognize what counts and doesn't count as harmful behavior now that i've isolated. i used to just say that i shouldn't be friends with people who hurt me, but now i'm constantly hurting, and it's not any one person's fault, so i don't know anymore. i'm trying not to be guilty.

 

[PerfectVictory]

I feel similarly especially regarding one friendship. I don't like the idea that me befriending them will become a net negative in my friends lives and that the ultimate effect of my existence would be negative or seen as such.