Venting anyone else feel a burning resentment towards people who managed to access N in the UK before it was impossible to get hold of??

[starnosedmole222]

that should have been me. what makes you think you had more of a right to a peaceful exit than i do?? why do you get to die peacefully and i don't?? it feels like i've had my peaceful exit stolen from me. why can't i just go?? it's selfish to expect me to keep living. "it's for your own good!! things get better!!" i don't care. i won't be sentient anymore, so i literally will not be capable of feeling regret. death means that nothing bad will ever happen to me again. sure, it means nothing good will ever happen to me again, but i won't care, because i won't know what "good" is. and yet there are laws to prevent me from dying because these SELFISH BASTARDS want to force me to stay for THEIR BENEFIT. i happen to know who one of the last people to get N in the UK was, and i can't stop thinking about her and how much i hate her for it. all she had to do was delete her damn search history and the last supplier in the UK wouldn't have gotten caught and jailed. i keep going to her instagram account and scrolling through all her old posts and just raging. raging at the fact that she is the reason i am forced to stay alive against my will, and she doesn't even have to suffer the consequences. i get that she was hurting too and it's a horrible way for me to think, but i can't help it. i feel nothing but utter resentment towards her. she had no more of a right to die than i do, and yet here i am, and here she isn't. fuck this so much. i just want N. is that really so unreasonable?? why are sick animals given N at the vet when they can't even explicitly consent to it, but as soon as it's a human, we're forced to suffer?? if i was a cat, i would have been put down years ago, so why not put me down now??