anyone else doing it cause of a breakup

[nembutal]

heartbreak. we dated for two years. it's been 3 months. they couldn't put up with my pessimism anymore. i've already forgotten what their face looks like, our time together, etc, due to horrible memory loss. i am experiencing so much guilt, we apparently ended on good terms even though i didn't want the break up, and after i ended up in the ward a few days later they told me over the phone that they still "care" for me. now i have been ghosted by them and their family as if i were a horribly abusive partner during the relationship. i see absolutely no "care" in their actions. i was even called manipulative by their mother, the person i spoke for so many hours to about how terrified i was to be unconsciously manipulative. my ex and their family helped me regain my trust in others after years of abuse from my own family. with the breakup came loss of hope, loss of humanity, loss of confidence that i will be able to connect with someone on such a deep level again. i am unable to connect with others truly. im so heartbroken that i went from as they put it "their entire world" and was reduced to less than dirt in a matter of days.

i will be honest, i will be adding the breakup as my breaking point in my note. i don't want to hurt them necessarily, i know they will blame themselves either way, but i would like to get my true, raw emotions out on paper for one last time before i go. how they feel after my death would not concern me as i would be dead.

was wondering if anyone else has a similar drive

 

[keilani97]

Yes, I was a virgin. I let him take that. He got me pregnant, pressured me into an abortion which was a traumatic surgical procedure (I experienced a lot of emotional and physical trauma as a result of the procedure) He was never there to comfort me, he then emotional / psychologically manipulated me by gaslighting me among other things. He claimed we should have space to heal. Ever since October 1 I never hear from him when he says he would reach out to me when the time is right or during Halloween. Weeks turn to many months. I was crying and screaming every day. I still do. I've been heartbroken everyday for a year. I can't stand my life. It never gets better. I made my peace with leaving this life. It's too painful living everyday with all these memories especially with the thought of him being with someone else after the trauma I went through so he wouldn't be a father.

I couldn't stop reaching out to him after 6 months of waiting until April. I went to his parents' house to drop off a letter exposing the truth of their potential grandchild. I didn't expect him to be there. A lot went down. He blocked me eventually later on. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop myself in regards to contacting him on several fake numbers from June - August. I was using his vulnerabilities against him and speaking in second person. He eventually got a restraining order against me which will indeed ruin my future since I don't have the finances to hire a good lawyer. I'm in constant pain everyday and have been struggling to find a job for many months. I'm just not motivated. I tried weekly therapy for months before. It didn't help. Nothing helps. I will never stop loving and missing him even though he is a toxic person. Living with this trauma I experienced everyday is so painful. I'm so broken and don't want any help. I know I'm beautiful inside and out but that doesn't matter. He will most likely win this case. I just want to end my life before the hearing in 2 weeks.

My sister is with me with this decision since she is hurt seeing me in pain and we view death differently than most people. She thinks I will be at peace and in a better place. I don't have any close friends. I've told my parents about my suicidal thoughts many times. I was supposed to leave this life on June 18 but factors stopped me. My parents would be the most affected. I feel like I'm only alive because of them. I'm such a financial burden to them until now. They don't understand that my life everyday is hell. I don't want to end up in a psych ward. I just want to leave this hell of a life. It's so painful.

He will never change for me no matter how much I sacrificed for him during the time we were together. He will continue to be the selfish narcissistic egotistical prideful shell of a man.

I wish to leave life and never wake up. I hope this SN method works. I'm hoping to do it next week.

A quarter of a century is more than enough for me.

 

[thebunny]

it's not the only reason why i'm doing it but if there was a list of reasons, oh it's up there. we've only been together for more than a year, but sue me for saying that it was the best damn year of my life. he was my best friend, my home, my everything and i can't fathom the fact that he threw all that almost instantly. it broke me and it's still breaking me. we didn't end up on good terms. he wanted to. he wanted to remain as friends and to keep in contact, but how the fuck would i live with such thing? i don't want to sit back and watch them fall in love with someone else (already happening btw) and be happy with them.

i mean, i admit that i was toxic and manipulative towards the end of our relationship because i emotionally blackmailed him into staying with me, but i was desperate. can you really blame me?

i don't know. part of me wants him to live a peaceful life, to let him be happy after i'm gone because i still love and care for him. but a huge fucking part of me wants my death to haunt him forever because i never deserved this kind of pain. i never deserved this kind of hell, yet here i am.

so, despite my love for him, i hope i haunt him.

 

[hamvil]

I never been good with women/girls or with people in general tbh. I had a dreadful time in primary school also because of abusive parents. things slightly got better during high school. I met the girl that later become my wife (I am 43 now). She was not the right person for me, but we had our immature love, we losed virginity together and loved each other very much.

Much much later I started focusing totally on work and our relationship got more and more empty. She hurt me several times, and honestly I did the same. I do not know how to handle disagreement and conflicts. Mostly because I had very bad examples on this matter from my parents.

Long story short I found at my work a person that I really liked. She was my sapiosexual mate, we did puzzle together, assembled legos, watched tv series and played table games. We were also very compatible from the sexual standpoint. I never thought sex could be so beautiful. At the end she left me when I fucked up my job with a bad tweet. I think she used be to get a better position at work (I was her boss). I think I also pushed her away by snapping at her in a few situations.

So for me losing her is not the only reason for considering suicide. The other one is losing my dream job and realising I have nobody in this world.

 

[Un-]

Not really. I used to, but then I changed I guess. I've never had great experiences with women. Everyone I've been in a relationship with, has broken it off.

I don't feel bitterness, or much of anything to be honest. It took me a while to realise it, but I was never the type of person to ever be in a relationship with people. It is what it is. Some people, despite trying hard, will die alone.

Even if they didn't break up with me.. Even if I could easily be in relationships and shit, I'd still be on this forum, looking how to die. It won't change anything. I'm so heavily depressed, and suicidal, that nothing will ever change that.

I don't really look at it as a reason. Who am I to say that I deserve happiness? Who am I to say that a relationship is the reason, or one of the reasons why I want to die? I'm not owed anything in this life. Further, I'm so pathetic, depressed and miserable that I don't even deserve anyone's attention. Sigh..

 

[JJMaynard97]

heartbreak. we dated for two years. it's been 3 months. they couldn't put up with my pessimism anymore. i've already forgotten what their face looks like, our time together, etc, due to horrible memory loss. i am experiencing so much guilt, we apparently ended on good terms even though i didn't want the break up, and after i ended up in the ward a few days later they told me over the phone that they still "care" for me. now i have been ghosted by them and their family as if i were a horribly abusive partner during the relationship. i see absolutely no "care" in their actions. i was even called manipulative by their mother, the person i spoke for so many hours to about how terrified i was to be unconsciously manipulative. my ex and their family helped me regain my trust in others after years of abuse from my own family. with the breakup came loss of hope, loss of humanity, loss of confidence that i will be able to connect with someone on such a deep level again. i am unable to connect with others truly. im so heartbroken that i went from as they put it "their entire world" and was reduced to less than dirt in a matter of days.

i will be honest, i will be adding the breakup as my breaking point in my note. i don't want to hurt them necessarily, i know they will blame themselves either way, but i would like to get my true, raw emotions out on paper for one last time before i go. how they feel after my death would not concern me as i would be dead.

was wondering if anyone else has a similar drive

I was with a lovely Girl, my first love but she was the most kindness girl I'd ever met. When I was with her I felt loved and apart of something. We broke up on good terms too. She said she wanted to be friends, wanted me in her life & that she cared. I'm scared I pushed her away. I still love her thats the sad thing. We were together over a year and a bit. But like you I haven't heard from her since. So do wonder if she is glad I'm not in her life. I miss her so much. Due to my thoughts there is a mixture of things too. My Mum suffers with depression. My Nan doesn't want to liv anymore and I'm just a failure and burden to those around. I guess also me losing the love of my life has proved I'm a failure. I don't blame her at all. That's for sure. I'm just a car crash and have always thought of ending my life someway or another. I guess now I've got nothing to loose. So sorry to hear about your situation. All the best!

 

[orca87]

kind of. But its more about what the breakup revealed and how it left me

 

[deathissosad]

My girl Suicided on me. Does that count? So I just want to either find her or end my pain as well. She ended my life the day she ended hers.

 

[jdog2498]

no i don't. i've definitely wanted to die a lot of times because of others, i think actually only because of others, but never because of a breakup. definitely just very angry

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

Probably, I'm not dead but it's certainly going to be a leading factor - I just feel so broken even months after it. I feel absolutely haunted by those events.

 

[Spaintbrain]

Definitely. It's a huge part of why I've been considering it for months now.

She might've been the single kindest girl I'd ever met, and without realizing it, I had pushed her away by being an edge lord. The realization of this completely broke me, just knowing that I drove her away, the only girl who matched my personality, it fucks with my mind. We would've been a perfect couple from what some people have told me. I'll probably never forgive myself for what I've done.

 

[SexyIncél]

I noticed here how FAST people are to suggest breakups. What a trauma machine! Your companion does one weird thing, then immediately: "You need to break up with them". With confidence unsupported by their analysis

Notice how few questions they ask. They're not trying to build a mental model of your relationship's dynamics. It's just pattern matching, often off 2 datapoints. And I'm obviously not talking about hitting or humiliation, obviously that kind of abuse is different

One lesson: always line up alternative companions. Just like lining up backup job offers. Being in a relationship is when you have the most mental health to do this. And social validation. And backup companions boost your confidence, so you can more easily replace abusers

And if I want to break up with someone decent, I'll help them replace me. Maybe get them someone even better! Because I want to be the best companion I can be. That means treating them well even if I don't have to

I was thinking about a Companionships megathread, for the recovery subforum. But it'd be so controversial