Story Partner sexualizing self harm?

[Avyn]

Sorry for the long text but I don't where else to post this and I have no one to talk to

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years almost and he knew about my mental health issues, suicide ideation and self harm from the start, yet he agreed to still date me.
He's been mostly supportive, and although I didn't get magically cured, he was a big reason for me to not kill myself and I stopped self harming as much (did it once every couple of months)
A while ago though, I realized he slowly stopped caring about what I do which really triggered me into getting worse. I told him I self harmed and would like more support from him like a week ago.
So I thought everything would be fine.
Today he asked me how many times I self harm and after I answered, he said it's hot and started to sexualize it.
That didn't sit right with me, it wasn't the first time he sexualized my self harm/scars so I gave myself some time to think about it and see it from his perspective, but it makes me feel so horrible and uncared for.

Today I told him that what he said made me feel worse and I have been experimenting with hanging, to which he just responded with (I quote) "I see". Nothing else.
I tried to tell him how I feel and how it slowly looks like he doesn't care anymore. He told me what he says apparently doesn't matter because "I haven't changed" in the last 3 years we've been together,
so he stopped trying and during the conversation started to argue and blame me, trying to excuse what he said as being okay.
I know that often he would put the blame on me and judge me if I tried to talk to him about how I feel, even if it's just venting. Whenever I try to tell him I'm not okay with how he's been acting, he makes it all about himself, tells me how horrible I am and how unhappy he is. Then I would completely ignore my feelings to make him feel better and happy, and he'd brag about how I am the greatest and best just for the cycle to get repeated again.

Am I overreacting here, is it really my fault and a normal reaction from your partner? I don't know when I'm overreacting, I know I can be too much sometimes.

 

[espressotomato]

You're not overreacting, you feel uncomfortable with those comments because it's weird and is a huge red flag. It's clear that your boyfriend is sexualizing your self harm and your trauma - I can't tell you why but I can tell you that you're right to feel odd about it, and I'm proud of you for telling him that it was upsetting. However, his response to blow you off or to turn the situation back on to you is a big sign that he doesn't really care about your well being and that he is doing you more harm than good now. So I'd say goodbye to this person as a reliable and supportive romantic partner.

 

[GRIM_DEADMAN]

You're not overreacting at all!
Your boyfriend is definitely sexualizing your self harm and ignoring you when you tell him that it makes you uncomfortable.

 

[Mimi_]

Am I overreacting here, is it really my fault and a normal reaction from your partner? I don't know when I'm overreacting, I know I can be too much sometimes.

Nobody should stay with someone who makes them feel unloved. That's so disturbing to sexualize self harm, how frightful. Someone who cares wouldn't react this way. That man is the issue, not you.

 

[glitterypearls]

he is a shitty boyfriend. I would personally break up. he sexualized it which is a big no if he truly loves you he wouldn't sexualize something that hurts you. he judge you even when you vent which is another big no, you dont do that to someone you love and he gaslight you into making it look like its your fault.

talk to him one more time about it and if he doesn't change, cut the relationship off. this is why I get worried about telling people about my suicidal thoughts and self harm and eating disorder, that tend to attract men/women who sexualize it.

 

[whywere]

I do NOT want to sound and do NOT mean to be snotty ever, BUT in my 67 plus years on this planet, both @espressotomato and @GRIM_DEADMAN are so correct in what he is doing, and it is so WRONG.

One rule of humanity is: would I like it done to me? and he seems to only be thinking of himself, so very wrong.

You are a thoughtful and giving person and I hate to say this but draw the line and tell him your feelings and judge from there.

Now I am NOT suggesting that you move on from him but find common ground to work together and to make sure that you are comfortable in the relationship, if not then? That is something that your heart will tell you.

Sending you lots of huge hugs sunny skies and lovely flowers as you deserve to feel and be happy.

Walter

 

[SexyIncél]

Excuse me for looking into your history, I only wanted more context to inform myself

It helps to look at contradictions in your relationship. Between your interests and his. Example: you're asexual but he sexualizes you. This means for three years you both compromised. Sexual people often take pleasure in the other person's sexual pleasure. This is unavailable to him, so he must derive pleasure elsewhere

In fact, if he's particularly sexual, he may need to feed his internal beast with a merry-go-round of escalating fantasies. Some of those fantasies may appear perverse

Another contradiction: you want to stop self harming, but your self harm pleasures him. How to align your interests?

If he was supportive before: what changed? Ideally I'd sit in the room watching your dynamics, or at least know more details. Without that, I must guess general reasons. Like emotional fatigue, external stresses or (I hope this isn't the case) boredom

Are you increasingly resenting him, to the point where you love him less?

People here always seem far too quick to break up. May explain all the broken hearts. The more supportive your partner is, the costlier it is to find a better one. And breakups cause trauma. It may ultimately be the right move, and often people don't escape abusive shitheads fast enough. But I don't yet see enough evidence of his shitheadery. Maybe I missed something that others see

I know that often he would put the blame on me and judge me if I tried to talk to him about how I feel, even if it's just venting. Whenever I try to tell him I'm not okay with how he's been acting, he makes it all about himself, tells me how horrible I am and how unhappy he is. Then I would completely ignore my feelings to make him feel better and happy, and he'd brag about how I am the greatest and best just for the cycle to get repeated again.

Is his behavior new or old? If old, uh-oh. If new, his mental health may be damaged

Am I overreacting here, is it really my fault and a normal reaction from your partner? I don't know when I'm overreacting, I know I can be too much sometimes.

Your fault? Not to my knowledge. And the fact that you're self-questioning is a good sign

Normal reaction from partners? Yes, but most partners suck, so "normal" is a low bar

You say you can be too much sometimes. How extreme is that?

 

[Viranamari]

That's definitely not an overreaction. He's literally sexualising self-harm when it makes you feel uncomfortable. It's disturbing that there are people in this world who would do such a thing to people they 'love'. You want to stop self-harming but self-harming pleases him. However, since I've never been too interested in romantic relationships, I can't give much advice. What is obvious is that you probably should break up with him. It's best not to interact with such people. I wish you luck.

 

[Avyn]

Are you increasingly resenting him, to the point where you love him less?

It depends. I have bpd so in one moment I can feel completely nothing towards him and resent him and in the other I can feel extreme love and obsession. I know the numbness is not permanent so I usually wait it out.

Is his behavior new or old? If old, uh-oh. If new, his mental health may be damaged

It started over a year ago. I talked with him about it multiple times but nothing changed. He also has his own mental health problems and issues which I don't judge him for.
I think it got worse after he started to listen to Andrew Tate bs and I fought with him so many times trying to explain to him why following this bald idiot is disrespectful. He had gotten increasingly abusive over that period of time (I wonder why), but then stopped, it was really traumatizing. The "turning things around and blaming me for trying to communicate" has sticked with him though.

You say you can be too much sometimes. How extreme is that?

I'm not really sure, I mainly said this because usually he would tell me I'm the problem.
The fact he often blames me when I try to talk to him about how I want him to treat me better makes it harder to decide if what I feel is justified or if I'm being an asshole.
Due to my bpd, anything can lead to me getting either very angry or very sad and lash out at him, no inbetween. Extreme mood swings were always a problem which is why I guess I can be too much, however in the last year I got much better and it doesn't happen as much anymore, now I just deal with those intense feelings by myself, until it gets too much to handle and I need to talk about it.

People here seem far too quick to break up. May explain all the broken hearts. The more supportive your partner is, the costlier it is to find a better one. And breakups cause trauma. It may ultimately be the right move, and often people don't escape abusive shitheads fast enough. But I don't yet see enough evidence of his shitheadery. Maybe I missed something that others see

I have an extreme fear of abandonment, even if he was the worst and I could technically get a better partner easily, I wouldn't be able to.
I keep telling myself I'm making him look bad when in reality he isn't THAT bad but then I remember what happened right now for example and I don't know what to think.

 

[SexyIncél]

I think it got worse after he started to listen to Andrew Tate bs and I fought with him so many times trying to explain to him why following this bald idiot is disrespectful. He had gotten increasingly abusive over that period of time (I wonder why), but then stopped, it was really traumatizing. The "turning things around and blaming me for trying to communicate" has sticked with him though.

Ahhhh shit. His mental issues seem relevant to fixing things

Tate offers male power fantasies. I wonder if your lashing out at him smashed his self-esteem and caused him to study how to "man up"

II have an extreme fear of abandonment, even if he was the worst and I could technically get a better partner easily, I wouldn't be able to.
I keep telling myself I'm making him look bad when in reality he isn't THAT bad but then I remember what happened right now for example and I don't know what to think.

Hmmm might help to cultivate deep relationships with others, to land better if a breakup happens. May feel a bit like cheating, but that's more moral than your death-by-abandonment or abuse. Even benefits him: you'll lean on him less

Then again, if he responds by doing similarly, that could make you feel awful. And if he feels threatened/jealous, that could erode your relationship further. Not easy...

Gotta sleep soon, but hopefully in dreams I'll think about your words. Hope this post makes sense when I wake... sorry if it doesn't

 

[Avyn]

Ahhhh shit. His mental issues seem relevant to fixing things

Tate offers male power fantasies. I wonder if your lashing out at him smashed his self-esteem and caused him to study how to "man up"


Hmmm might help to cultivate deep relationships with others, to land better if a breakup happens. May feel a bit like cheating, but that's more moral than your death-by-abandonment or abuse. Even benefits him: you'll lean on him less

Then again, if he responds by doing similarly, that could make you feel awful. And if he feels threatened/jealous, that could erode your relationship further. Not easy...

Gotta sleep soon, but hopefully in dreams I'll think about your words. Hope this post makes sense when I wake... sorry if it doesn't

Thank you so much for your kind words<3 I feel much better after reading your and everyone elses replies. Have a good night and sweet dreams!

 

[SexyIncél]

Ok good, he's been a pretty decent guy for 2 years? Fixable!

Basic idea of negotiating: focus on interests, not stated positions. People say they want stuff, it's so easy to get tangled in that. But what do they REALLY want, underneath?

Once you know that, you can give up things that don't really matter to you, to satisfy his interests. And he can do the same for you

You clearly want care and support. What does he want? Erotic pleasure; maybe male pride in having a hot suicide girl? If he compassionately cares and supports you, is it a problem if he indulges those desires? As long as he immediately shuts it off when you need compassion, never disrespecting nor patronizing you?

It could be his way of coming to terms with your self harm scars, after all. People often work things out in crazy sexual fantasies. Learning to love what he can't stop. And if he has friends who exaggerate their romantic exploits, he can feel smugly satisfied that he's the white knight to a dark angel

I know that often he would put the blame on me and judge me if I tried to talk to him about how I feel, even if it's just venting. Whenever I try to tell him I'm not okay with how he's been acting, he makes it all about himself, tells me how horrible I am and how unhappy he is. Then I would completely ignore my feelings to make him feel better and happy, and he'd brag about how I am the greatest and best just for the cycle to get repeated again.

Ok, you want to express your thoughts to him. But he's growing callous and defensive... maybe because he feels like a punching bag, even hammered by your vents?

He still excitedly brags about you after 3 years, which is great. But at the cost of bottling up your feelings, which I imagine starts the pressure cooker inside you

If I'm kinda right about him feeling like a punching bag, he'll need to be repaired and healed. Ideally, you could find someone you can express your intense thoughts to, then give him the edited version that's subdued and funny

If that doesn't work, I don't know, maybe he has to learn how to take a hit -- with your loving help? The cost of being a white knight. Hopefully with warning, so he can prepare. Then when you're in extreme love/obsession, tend to his wounds and massage his bruised ego, appreciating what he lets you do to him? Associate the pain with pleasure... after walking together through a storm

Sorry for the long text but I don't where else to post this and I have no one to talk to

You can always post here! Also feel free to PM me if you need to vent at someone