Venting anybody feels like theyre not living for themselves but for their loved ones?

[curiousfawn]

i dont know where it all went wrong tbh i have loving parents im an averagely middle class i live comfortably but im still severely mentally ill somehow, im just so tired of everything :/ its just like, idk i feel like the only reason im still here is bcus i dont want to traumatise my parents but i dont know how much time i have left b4 i inevitably break.

im not religious but ive been praying alot, i keep asking god for a sign but ive gotten nothing so far. idk maybe i rlly am alone in this world n theres no higher being watching me from above, killing myself wouldnt be hard bcus i can get sn easily but im scared. maybe i shouldn't do it bcus im still on the fence but its rlly rlly tempting i also feel guilty cus there r people out there who would kill to have my life but im just throwing it away bcus i have worms in my brains but idk

 

[cracklingroses]

I am really sorry you are in this place. I relate to you a lot. I don't have the greatest relationship with my folks but we have gotten closer over the years so it has been harder to go. I especially don't want to leave my dogs. It is hard feeling like your pain is not justified just because of other external material things that should seem like it would make anyone happy but the reality is you can have all the money and fancy life style you want but nothing will help heal the holes in our heart, the loss of passion, our purpose, connection, etc. Those are what really matter but people are just so materialistic they think you have it made when really you feel like you would if you were dying on the street. I hope you can find better connection, support, solace, and a feeing of passion and purpose to help you. I don't know what the answer is to this life. It seems so grim but I personally don't want to encourage anyone to take their life. Although I can really empathize with wanting to

 

[bondage]

Yes for sure. I am fortunate to have been born into a wealthy family. My parents pay for my apartment, car, food, bills. However I'm a drop out and hate socializing of any kind. Sometimes I question why I'm like this even though I have such a good life. But even with everything I could ask for I want nothing. Dying will give me the only peace and happiness I can think of. To sleep eternally without a single dreadful thought. However, if you have doubts about wanting to die then don't. That's your sign right there. If you have things such as life goals or dreams then do not CTB. I don't believe in the afterlife or reincarnation so live this life to your fullest. Strange coming from a NEET but I live my life to the fullest my own way. If it means running away and doing what makes you feel fulfilled then take any opportunity you have to do it. To start living like every day is your last might help make you feel like your life is your own.

 

[Thanksforeverything]

If it means running away and doing what makes you feel fulfilled then take any opportunity you have to do it.

Same boat as OP. You have no idea how many times I've considered just disappearing. Plenty of people go missing. Live somewhere in the middle of nowhere and when I've run out of the things I want to do, just die. But it's not a particularly easy thing to do, and I'm too exhausted. You know how after a hard day of work, how you come home and while you know that you have things left to do, you still want to call it a night? That's how I feel about CTB.

 

[bondage]

Live somewhere in the middle of nowhere and when I've run out of the things I want to do, just die. But it's not a particularly easy thing to do, and I'm too exhausted.

Yeah definitely a hard thing to accomplish on your own. You would really need motivation to continue living if someone where to go down this route. Recently saw this girl on social media saying she ran away to live in Japan and is living her best life there as a guitarist. I guess for some people the motivation comes from already existing hobbies or talents. If you can draw I suggest becoming a freelance tattoo artist. Last year I met one while getting tatted. Seems like a chill life ~_~

 

[Thanksforeverything]

Recently saw this girl on social media saying she ran away to live in Japan and is living her best life there as a guitarist. I guess for some people the motivation comes from already existing hobbies or talents. If you can draw I suggest becoming a freelance tattoo artist. Last year I met one while getting tatted.

Sounds really good if I'm being honest. If I could essentially live a few more years in isolation, away from people's hopes and expectations, I would make that choice in a heartbeat.

Can't really draw or have any musical talent, unfortunately. Pretty good at writing though, worked as a ghost-writer before. But even that's not as lucrative nowadays ever since the advent of AI.

 

[curiousfawn]

I am really sorry you are in this place. I relate to you a lot. I don't have the greatest relationship with my folks but we have gotten closer over the years so it has been harder to go. I especially don't want to leave my dogs.

thanks its nice knowing that im not alone,,, i dont have a pet of my own but i have this group of stray cats that i feed whenever i can n theyre a big part of why im still here, idk what will happen to them if i die i dont want them to starve when im not here (._.)

However, if you have doubts about wanting to die then don't. That's your sign right there. If you have things such as life goals or dreams then do not CTB. I don't believe in the afterlife or reincarnation so live this life to your fullest. Strange coming from a NEET but I live my life to the fullest my own way. If it means running away and doing what makes you feel fulfilled then take any opportunity you have to do it. To start living like every day is your last might help make you feel like your life is your own.

u wanna know whats funny my dream is to neet out n not have talk to any1 until i die of vit d deficiency, staying inside 24/7 sounds rlly nice but unfortunately im abit of a golden child, my parents have high hopes for me so for me to just give up everything n hibernate in my room wld be abit out of character :[ seriously though staying inside all day sounds so nice i wish i could do that

 

[bondage]

Sounds really good if I'm being honest. If I could essentially live a few more years in isolation, away from people's hopes and expectations, I would make that choice in a heartbeat.

Can't really draw or have any musical talent, unfortunately. Pretty good at writing though, worked as a ghost-writer before. But even that's not as lucrative nowadays ever since the advent of AI.

I'm pretty financially dependent on other people in my life. Are you currently living in isolation without going outside for jobs, school, etc? If so I want to PM you

u wanna know whats funny my dream is to neet out n not have talk to any1 until i die of vit d deficiency, staying inside 24/7 sounds rlly nice but unfortunately im abit of a golden child, my parents have high hopes for me so for me to just give up everything n hibernate in my room wld be abit out of character :[ seriously though staying inside all day sounds so nice i wish i could do that

Luckily my little sister is super smart and behaves well so she took the title of golden child. I don't work and dont wanna go back to school. Always been a black sheep in the family because of my hobbies. I can tell you this, if you give up your school or job you start feeling overwhelming guilt towards your parents. Thought abt selling my organs for money to repay them for everything LOL. If you still have a steady life please hold onto it. Stability is something always taken for granted.

 

[delayedcactus]

i dont know where it all went wrong tbh i have loving parents im an averagely middle class i live comfortably but im still severely mentally ill somehow, im just so tired of everything :/ its just like, idk i feel like the only reason im still here is bcus i dont want to traumatise my parents but i dont know how much time i have left b4 i inevitably break.

im not religious but ive been praying alot, i keep asking god for a sign but ive gotten nothing so far. idk maybe i rlly am alone in this world n theres no higher being watching me from above, killing myself wouldnt be hard bcus i can get sn easily but im scared. maybe i shouldn't do it bcus im still on the fence but its rlly rlly tempting i also feel guilty cus there r people out there who would kill to have my life but im just throwing it away bcus i have worms in my brains but idk

I can relate to almost every word you said. I have mush for brains and it takes a lot for me to have rational thoughts and plan my future as my parents keep saying. I don't know how much future I have left with a brain like mine. Totally just living for them. What's worse is that in my community, ctb is really stigmatized and I feel like they will go through more hell bc of a lack of support from their friends if I were to go through with it.

 

[curiousfawn]

Luckily my little sister is super smart and behaves well so she took the title of golden child. I don't work and dont wanna go back to school. Always been a black sheep in the family because of my hobbies. I can tell you this, if you give up your school or job you start feeling overwhelming guilt towards your parents. Thought abt selling my organs for money to repay them for everything LOL. If you still have a steady life please hold onto it. Stability is something always taken for granted.

i wld sell my organs if i could but idk anybody in the market so i think ill donate my body to science, i wish i had a sibling tbh bcus if i kill myself then it wont be as devasting for my parents bcus atleast they'll have 1 child left, if i die then its literally over for my bloodline but i wldnt wanna spread my mental illness genes anyway so

I can relate to almost every word you said. I have mush for brains and it takes a lot for me to have rational thoughts and plan my future as my parents keep saying. I don't know how much future I have left with a brain like mine. Totally just living for them. What's worse is that in my community, ctb is really stigmatized and I feel like they will go through more hell bc of a lack of support from their friends if I were to go through with it.

i have my future planned out for me when i was in highschool so i dont think abt it too much, ill finish my degree, get a cushy office job n retire @ 65 this is assuming ill be alive to do all of that which is looking unlikely so idk lol

 

[Thanksforeverything]

Are you currently living in isolation without going outside for jobs, school, etc? If so I want to PM you

I did for a few years. I'd stay awake from midnight till dawn. And when everyone else was up, I'd simply stay in bed. I'd sleep through the mornings, and stare into empty space when I couldn't. I finally stopped and tried my best for a few years to make my parents proud, to not be a burden. It hasn't really been working out the past year. My depression prevents me from doing anything, things I know I can do quite easily if I could just get up and do it, but I just can't.

When I was young, my parents initially placed all their hopes and expectations on me because I was more "Gifted" than my younger sibling. Oh, how wrong they were. The fact is my sibling's far more talented than I am because they are capable of working hard, constantly striving to push past the struggles they face and not stop. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and never come out.

I just want to be gone, from this world, but more so from people's memories.

 

[HighFlight]

@curiousfawn, I'm sorry your life has brought you to this site. While we're at opposite ends of a lifetime, I can understand the feeling of living for others and not yourself. For now, I continue to exist here for my family, as I know leaving them would be devastating. Possibly resulting in one of them deciding to ctb themselves. As a result, I've chosen to live.

However, based on your posts, it sounds like you haven't reached that the point where you've made a choice. You spoke about coming from a good, loving family. And a herd of cats that depend on you for food. A career planned out for you. etc. Yes, I can understand why you asked the question about living for others.

But one thing about ctb... You can do it tomorrow. So I might humbly suggest that you take some time before deciding. Stick around, maybe make some friends here, learn about your options, and maybe find your own reason to live.

Regardless, I hope you can find some peace

 

[Guy Smiley]

Yep, I feel that way most of the time. I would definitely say my main hurdle to CTB feels like the guilt and sadness I have about hurting my family if I did it.

 

[jbear824]

Yep pretty much. I'm living in unending suffering so that the few friends I have don't have to be traumatized. My conscience just won't allow me to be the cause of so much pain. I want out so badly. But I'm also terrified of pain. I hate it. I want out.