my hypers*xuality is one of the reasons why i wanna end it

[2106lvsk]

ive been addicted to porn since i was about 8 years old, it led me to sexualize not just other women but myself too. ive been sending men online stuff since i was about 13, it was the only thing that distracted me from ctb. i hate to think about how its still out there. i have bad social anxiety, so im still a virgin, ive never even talked to a guy irl even normally since 5th grade. im kinda grateful. i cant imagine my life if i could.

i never sent to guys in my country except like one like 2 years ago. and he kept demanding for more whn i tried to stop. he'd threaten to leak me. i kinda broke there and acted really insane threatening to ctb and shit and he said he wouldnt leak cause hes not mentally ill like me but he was still adamant so i ended up sending. im from a very small country so when i ctb ill probably be on the news and he'll leak ig. at least i wont be here to experience that embarrassment then.

i hate myslef. im so fucking disgusting. ive spent my whole entire highschool years whoring myself out online. never made friends, never participated in anything, never studied. i dont have a single fucking accomplishment.

i know its over when i ctb but i wanna be reborn again as something pure. i hope that happens

 

[Fog is a wall]

I believe that you are in a negative feedback loop. You don't need to feel guilty of the things you did when you were a kid. I believe it''s a useless emotion when you don't hurt anyone at all. I don't mean this in a sort of condescending way, forgive me if I come off like that. But I truly cannot see how whatever you say you did to have stained you or made you "impure".

If it means anything, I see you as l an innocent person who was just taken advantage of by others. That doesn't define you, and no matter how negatively you speak of yourself, I just want you to know that you seem perfectly normal to me.

About accomplishments, I struggle with the same thing. The productive world wants you to be a slave who measures their value by the work they output. I think what would help is for you to do or try something you like that only YOU can do. Trust me, it exists out there. For me, it was writing fics for a game I liked. No one did that and no one could do it like me. So that helped you know? That helped me be someone. The feeling is genuinely life-saving.

You are worthy of all of the world. Don't let the man-made definition and restriction of "purity" feel any different. People's opinions in general are shit.

Much love <3