Anybody feeling happy in their decision? Come talk to me!

[sadjenny]

Hi friends! I will be honest and say that I am posting to build up enough messages in order to DM. I need the source for SN and I am ready to go. I just placed my order for SN and couldn't be happier.

Backstory, I am 33 years old. I am a girl. I have autism and have never been able to make even a single friend. Much less date. I survived this long through escapism and Christian fear. My mother died about 20 years ago, and it was my concern that should I kill myself, I would not be able to see her again in the "afterlife".

But you know what I've learned? God knows my heart. He sees that I've tried. And whatever happens after, I'm ready. Best case scenario, I can hug mom again. Worse scenario, black nothingness. But even then, I don't remember being unborn, so I won't be aware of after, either.

So I'm okay.

I've been smiling a lot lately. My room is a mess, as depression is wont to do. I have piss in bottles and it smells like a cat died lol. So I'm in the process of cleaning, that way my sister will not have to deal with it on my passing.

I feel good. Happy. I have in my hand my antiemetic, my beta blocker, my xanax (and a LOT of it!). All I need is SN.

I will play this song when I go. Maybe you'll like it! It's very cheery if you don't listen to the lyric!


Is anyone happy or relieved about their decision to leave? I know like me, it probably is masking unbelievable pain. But in my last week I'm choosing to lean into this feeling. I will soon be free of life's suffering. The sun is coming out. It's spring where I live... And it's a wonderful time to die.

How do you feel?

 

[sadjenny]

Edit to add that I don't need a source any longer. But still happy to talk.

 

[no more tomorrow]

In short: yes, I also do feel relieved when thinking about it.

My reasoning is actually very similar to yours with the exception that I personally don't believe in god. But tbh it's kinda the same.
I can look in the mirror and say that I tried my best. It just wasn't enough.

Basically the way I see it is that for every winner in this world, there has to be a loser. I got dealt a bad hand in this life and I couldn't handle it. Simple as that.
Once I realized that, I stopped feeling bad about my failures and started to look forward to my death.
If everything works, I'll CTB this winter and I can't wait for it like a kid can't wait for christmas.

Only thing I'm worried about is not knowing how bad SI are going to get once i try.

 

[sadjenny]

Basically the way I see it is that for every winner in this world, there has to be a loser. I got dealt a bad hand in this life and I couldn't handle it. Simple as that.

I feel the same way. Even from an evolutionary standpoint, there have to be genetic dead ends. We're the "losers".

I know you must have put up a hell of a fight. The SI is real. Ever since the moment we're born it's just survive, manage one crisis then another, try, try, try. And then you die anyway at the end. I'm counting on xanax to manage my SI. But that's the one part I'm still scared about.

I hope you find a reason to live between now and winter. I feel the need to say that because of my societal conditioning, and I don't mean to invalidate your pain. But you know how it is!

 

[NambaSutra]

Good luck, I hope you find peace.

 

[no more tomorrow]

I feel the same way. Even from an evolutionary standpoint, there have to be genetic dead ends. We're the "losers".

And it's not even a bad thing per se. It's just nature telling us that our way of life is not fit for the survival of the species.

I'm counting on xanax to manage my SI

Yeah, I was thinking about something like that. I'll have to get new ones because mine are almost out (I actually need to take them sometimes).
If you don't mind me asking:
How many are you planning to take? Do you have any tolerance towards them?

I hope you find a reason to live between now and winter.

That's really kind of you But it's not going to happen. I would need to try for that. And I'm done trying since last year.

 

[sadjenny]

Yeah, I was thinking about something like that. I'll have to get new ones because mine are almost out (I actually need to take them sometimes).
If you don't mind me asking:
How many are you planning to take? Do you have any tolerance towards them?

Happy to talk about anything! At this point in my life, why not?

I'm not sure yet how many I will take. I have no tolerance. I have a script that I have filled and not used for many years, so I have a backup of several hundred. Tbh I may very likely down them all. I know you can't really die from them, and I'm SO scared of SI cockblocking me when it comes time for the event. I was actually planning to make a thread in a bit talking about it and seeking help. I don't know if sourcing something like an opiate for example would lessen SI.

 

[stoopid]

When are you going ? I go next week I guess, if you wanna talk we can talk, I go by SN myself.

 

[sadjenny]

When are you going ? I go next week I guess, if you wanna talk we can talk, I go by SN myself.

Not 100% sure! Definitely before my birthday end of May. I planned next week as well, but I want to hold the SN in my hand and see how that feels before I set my final day.

Excellent taste in music my friend.

 

[FuneralCry]

Sadly, I don't have plans to leave anytime soon as suicide is very difficult for me personally, but to me the thought of being permanently free from this world is the best thing possible as I believe that we just cease to exist after this and that is certainly ideal.

I see suicide as being self care, I despise life and I view life as being such a harmful, unnecessary mistake, death certainly is the only relief from the torture that is existing, it's beautiful to be able to sleep forever and to be completely unaware of this world. I wish you the best and I hope that you find the freedom that you search for.

 

[no more tomorrow]

I have a backup of several hundred

Wow. That's lucky. I won't have nearly as much. But since they are not the lethal component, I hope what I'll have until then will be enough.

I'm SO scared of SI cockblocking me when it comes time for the event.

Yeah, same. But in the end to me it feels the same as say fear of change. The fact it is so scary is because we don't know what comes after. I'm trying to keep that in mind and also I'm picturing my death every day. Not in a romanticized way but every aspect of it so I'm a little bit more "prepared" when I decide to go. I realize that the impact of that is probably very miniscule (if at all present), but hey, can't hurt right?

I go next week I guess

I planned next week as well

I wish you both good luck and safe travels

 

[sadjenny]

Yeah, same. But in the end to me it feels the same as say fear of change. The fact it is so scary is because we don't know what comes after. I'm trying to keep that in mind and also I'm picturing my death every day. Not in a romanticized way but every aspect of it so I'm a little bit more "prepared" when I decide to go. I realize that the impact of that is probably very miniscule (if at all present), but hey, can't hurt right?

You know, that's actually a really good idea I hadn't thought about. Picturing one's death. I know when I've sat and thought about it deeply, usually at night, I get that animal fear in my stomach and usually dissolve into a panic attack. Just at the concept of death. But what you're doing sounds almost like a kind of desensitization? I think it could help more than you're giving yourself credit!

To be honest... and I don't say this to frighten you, but I'm not certain xanax will do much to help us. Because it can remove the anxiety, but we still have to make that conscious decision to drink our poison or lay into the rope or whatever our method.

Sometimes I wonder if for myself, personally, the only way I'll be able to make it through is to wind myself up into a moment of SEVERE emotional pain. Where I'm not thinking with logic and just desperately need it to end. As it is, my life is hopeless, but in a dreary neverending way. I could realistically continue to exist in misery. But like @FuneralCry I see suicide as almost a sort of self care... I'm tired, and I want to rest.

Hey this is weird likely, but when you get PM privileges, may I msg you?

I see suicide as being self care, I despise life and I view life as being such a harmful, unnecessary mistake, death certainly is the only relief from the torture that is existing, it's beautiful to be able to sleep forever and to be completely unaware of this world.

I will agree the natural entropy of life is toward cruelty and suffering. As I get older, I realize it more and more. I miss being an ignorant kid. I once actually thought to myself, "I can't imagine why anybody would want to die!" I remember where I was exactly. I was walking to sixth grade geometry class. I felt like the world was a wonderful place...

Thank you for dropping by. I've always enjoyed reading your messages in other threads.

 

[no more tomorrow]

kind of desensitization

That's the plan anyway. I noticed that when I think about being gone, I feel really peaceful. But in contrast, when I think about my actual death, my heart starts to race, my hands start to sweat a little, etc. So I have been basically forcing myself to think about it, really picture it, so I wouldn't be overwhelmed by the feeling when it's actually happening.

To be honest... and I don't say this to frighten you, but I'm not certain xanax will do much to help us. Because it can remove the anxiety, but we still have to make that conscious decision to drink our poison or lay into the rope or whatever our method.

You might be right. Though I feel like the preparation and setup is not going to give me that much anxiety. It'll be the moment everything is set up and I have to wait for it (I'm planning to go by CO poisoning).

Sometimes I wonder if for myself, personally, the only way I'll be able to make it through is to wind myself up into a moment of SEVERE emotional pain. Where I'm not thinking with logic and just desperately need it to end.

I think you're on to something. You are the second person to tell me that. The first one was a girl I met in therapy about 3 years ago. She was a psychology major so I kinda trusted her on that one.

I could realistically continue to exist in misery

Well yes. Maybe you could. But to me, it's totally normal to not want to endure pain (be it physical or psychological). After all, if that was the case, you wouldn't lift your hand after you've burnt it on the stove, right?

Hey this is weird likely, but when you get PM privileges, may I msg you?

Not weird at all, feel free to message me

 

[Foxes]

I feel conflicted, mainly due in part to the fact that I had always hoped for someone or something to save me from myself... the harsh reality is that just isn't going to happen and I'm finally beginning to accept it and be okay with it.

Reading spirited posts like yours helps a TON with my indecision, so thank you so much for that. I've been trying to gather up the energy to get all of my affairs in order. Finally began to put together a box of stuff for a friend earlier today, but there's still so much to tend to. I wish I felt relief, but it's all so seriously overwhelming for me right now.

Sometimes I wonder if for myself, personally, the only way I'll be able to make it through is to wind myself up into a moment of SEVERE emotional pain. Where I'm not thinking with logic and just desperately need it to end. As it is, my life is hopeless, but in a dreary neverending way. I could realistically continue to exist in misery. But like @FuneralCry I see suicide as almost a sort of self care... I'm tired, and I want to rest.

This is the state of mind I feel like I'm going to need to be in order to finally go, but I've been feeling so numb lately that I don't think it's going to build up to it so it's going to be done in some moment of calm and that SI is going to kick in so bad... :( I have a stash of Xanax and Klonopin that I'm going to use in my regime and I'm really hoping it chills me out enough.

Best case scenario, I can hug mom again.

By the way, I relate to this hard. One of the biggest things I want is to see my mom again. And all of my old pets!

 

[Secrets1]

Hi friends! I will be honest and say that I am posting to build up enough messages in order to DM. I need the source for SN and I am ready to go. I just placed my order for SN and couldn't be happier.

Backstory, I am 33 years old. I am a girl. I have autism and have never been able to make even a single friend. Much less date. I survived this long through escapism and Christian fear. My mother died about 20 years ago, and it was my concern that should I kill myself, I would not be able to see her again in the "afterlife".

But you know what I've learned? God knows my heart. He sees that I've tried. And whatever happens after, I'm ready. Best case scenario, I can hug mom again. Worse scenario, black nothingness. But even then, I don't remember being unborn, so I won't be aware of after, either.

So I'm okay.

I've been smiling a lot lately. My room is a mess, as depression is wont to do. I have piss in bottles and it smells like a cat died lol. So I'm in the process of cleaning, that way my sister will not have to deal with it on my passing.

I feel good. Happy. I have in my hand my antiemetic, my beta blocker, my xanax (and a LOT of it!). All I need is SN.

I will play this song when I go. Maybe you'll like it! It's very cheery if you don't listen to the lyric!


Is anyone happy or relieved about their decision to leave? I know like me, it probably is masking unbelievable pain. But in my last week I'm choosing to lean into this feeling. I will soon be free of life's suffering. The sun is coming out. It's spring where I live... And it's a wonderful time to die.

How do you feel?

This post makes me happy for you. It reads like you're free, finally feeling the reality of it, and it's wonderful. It's how I'd like to go. Death will be the pinnacle of my life and I am so looking forward to it.