Beholder of Death
BPD ruined my life.
- Apr 8, 2024
- 1
I genuinely can't believe this happened but a couple days ago I finally came clean to my best friend about my suicidal ideation, plans on either applying for assisted suicide (I have BPD and if I play my cards right might be qualified for it) or doing the SN method, and how whenever I think about killing myself I imagine her being there by my side.
I thought for sure that'd be the end of the friendship I have with her bc she'll finally learn just how mentally fucked I am but instead she listened, promised not to tell, and when I begged her to be by my side when I died she said she'd be there so long as I only do it as a last resort. I genuinely haven't been this happy in years, probably since I was in grade school if I'm being honest. The only person I have (like unironically the one friend I have and talk to on a regular basis because I'm autistic, generally awkward and severely anxious so making friends is kinda really difficult) agreed to let me be selfish in my final moments.
Honestly just the idea that she'll stand by my decision to kill myself if things don't work out makes me feel like trying to get help is almost worth it even though I know for a fact it's gonna be futile because I've very much evaluated the pros and cons of my life and most of the negatives are very much societal/something that can't be changed or treated, and I am one mentally frail man who doesn't see the reason to keep on going if those problems will never truly be gone.
I suppose the moral of the story is even if killing yourself seems inevitable, there's still hope for other things. Like, you'll be able to find a method that you like, and you'll be able to make yourself comfortable. I don't doubt most of us have suffered a whole lot in our lives, the least we deserve is to go out gently and I am so so glad that my closest friend is willing to do that for me when the time comes.
I thought for sure that'd be the end of the friendship I have with her bc she'll finally learn just how mentally fucked I am but instead she listened, promised not to tell, and when I begged her to be by my side when I died she said she'd be there so long as I only do it as a last resort. I genuinely haven't been this happy in years, probably since I was in grade school if I'm being honest. The only person I have (like unironically the one friend I have and talk to on a regular basis because I'm autistic, generally awkward and severely anxious so making friends is kinda really difficult) agreed to let me be selfish in my final moments.
Honestly just the idea that she'll stand by my decision to kill myself if things don't work out makes me feel like trying to get help is almost worth it even though I know for a fact it's gonna be futile because I've very much evaluated the pros and cons of my life and most of the negatives are very much societal/something that can't be changed or treated, and I am one mentally frail man who doesn't see the reason to keep on going if those problems will never truly be gone.
I suppose the moral of the story is even if killing yourself seems inevitable, there's still hope for other things. Like, you'll be able to find a method that you like, and you'll be able to make yourself comfortable. I don't doubt most of us have suffered a whole lot in our lives, the least we deserve is to go out gently and I am so so glad that my closest friend is willing to do that for me when the time comes.
