Anybody else think they don't deserve to be happy?

[Sslsh]

I kinda get a "kick" out of being sad. Like I intentionally do stuff that would emotionally wreck me.
For example, I intentionally make myself develop feelings for people who are not into me, and then simultaneously feel depressed about it. Or I intentionally ruin relationships that are going great by saying/doing stupid stuff, then get a kick out of the depression that ensues when things go south. I skip/ruin work knowing full well that it would cause issues, then get a kick out of the depression/pain. Like a part of me enjoys the literal physical headache I get when I get depressed. Sorry if I don't make sense.

 

[Too soon]

Yeah... I feel guilty whn i m happy..

 

[lostmyacc]

Think this is self harm. Self harm isn't always defined as cutting.
It's not normal to feel guilty when you're feeling happy, this is indicative of abuse or trauma often.
What you're saying does make sense though, theres been periods in my life where i've felt like this too.

 

[itsallgoodman]

I very much relate to this post. Doing things that only make my life worse because I don't think that I'm worthy of my life being any better past a certain point. Another thing I've noticed is that one odd reason I make such sabotaging decisions, even if it is just a fraction of my motivation, is because of the odd beauty in it. As if living some tragedy is justification of the suffering I cause myself and others simply because it's a good story. If you don't mind me asking, and feel free to just ignore this question, why do you think you don't deserve happiness? For me, I guess I do such things as some sort of punishment against myself. That because of previous wrongdoings I'm unworthy of some things. I'm not sure if my own masochistic sense of justice will ever be satisfied no matter the punishment though. Which makes me unsure that I should continue to allow it to affect my actions.

 

[Sslsh]

I very much relate to this post. Doing things that only make my life worse because I don't think that I'm worthy of my life being any better past a certain point. Another thing I've noticed is that one odd reason I make such sabotaging decisions, even if it is just a fraction of my motivation, is because of the odd beauty in it. As if living some tragedy is justification of the suffering I cause myself and others simply because it's a good story. If you don't mind me asking, and feel free to just ignore this question, why do you think you don't deserve happiness? For me, I guess I do such things as some sort of punishment against myself. That because of previous wrongdoings I'm unworthy of some things. I'm not sure if my own masochistic sense of justice will ever be satisfied no matter the punishment though. Which makes me unsure that I should continue to allow it to affect my actions.

I am lazy and apathetic. And incompetent at basic life skills. Zero social skills. Zero saleable skills. That's why I feel that the life that I was born into (upper middle class) could have been better utilized by a billion other people. Hence the feeling of not deserving happiness.

 

[itsallgoodman]

So if you weren't lazy or apathetic, were competent at basic life skills and socially and could sell a skill of yours, you would then allow yourself to be happy? Also, (and sorry for being dense), what exactly do you mean by basic life skills?

 

[Sslsh]

So if you weren't lazy or apathetic, were competent at basic life skills and socially and could sell a skill of yours, you would then allow yourself to be happy? Also, (and sorry for being dense), what exactly do you mean by basic life skills?

I guess I would. I would actually live the life I dream of wanting to live If those things were present. Basic life skills in the sense the skills that a person without crippling social anxiety has. Ability to maintain eye contact. Ability to walk, talk, sit, stand in public without being awkward and anxious. Ability to go out and have fun, make new friends, go clubbing, have a life.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me, happiness does not even exist. I could never be happy no matter what, it would be impossible for me. I have never wanted to live and I have no idea what it would be like to enjoy life. Suffering is all that I know. The thing that I deserve is the peace that only death can bring.

 

[dustyfurcollector]

To me, happiness does not even exist. I could never be happy no matter what, it would be impossible for me. I have never wanted to live and I have no idea what it would be like to enjoy life. Suffering is all that I know. The thing that I deserve is the peace that only death can bring.

I'm sorry you're so hurt

 

[itsallgoodman]

I wish I had something to say on how to become those traits that you wish you had. And while I don't know what it is that you'd have to do to become them, and I also don't know what it is that would get rid of your social anxiety, it doesn't sound hopeless. It might be difficult, but nothing you've said sounds impossible to achieve. I don't know you though, and such a judgement from a random stranger on the internet based only on a couple of your posts may be completely wrong. That being said, if you think that there is something you could do, and would do to live life more similar to the way you desire, you should do it. You may also be surprised on what you can learn from google and YouTube from people who have suffered similar problems but found a way out of them. I understand how useless this advice probably is though, and I wish you all the best in whatever path you choose, whether it be trying to change things or simply catching the bus.

 

[emptyjokes]

I kinda get a "kick" out of being sad. Like I intentionally do stuff that would emotionally wreck me.
For example, I intentionally make myself develop feelings for people who are not into me, and then simultaneously feel depressed about it. Or I intentionally ruin relationships that are going great by saying/doing stupid stuff, then get a kick out of the depression that ensues when things go south. I skip/ruin work knowing full well that it would cause issues, then get a kick out of the depression/pain. Like a part of me enjoys the literal physical headache I get when I get depressed. Sorry if I don't make sense.

Yes 100%! You have described how I feel very well. I hate myself so I attack and punish that person relentlessly.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Happiness for me has always been very fleeting, and I hate the human condition of having to constantly chase happiness as though it were some sort of game. A part of me is able to relate to what you said but I don't think I intentionally wreck myself.

 

[FailureGirl]

I know I don't deserve happiness I can't say exactly why maybe because iv wasted my opportunities or because I feel guilty but the few moments of happiness I feel always end with remembering I dont deserve it and it's not real.
At this point it's like I'm punishing myself reminding myself in my head "you're not allowed to be happy, you don't deserve it you don't even deserve to live but your too weak and pathetic to end it" I hear it in my head every single day.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I feel the totally opposite way. Ultimately I feel that I (and all conscious beings) deserve to be happy, more often I phrase it as "life is supposed to be enjoyable". And that it isn't, is the reason I want to ctb at all.