MyDeath88
Stairs to the stairs to the stairs to the stairs
- Jun 25, 2024
- 8
The first time I wanted to die I couldn't have been older than 6 or 7. I made a series of stupid mistakes in class and made my favorite teacher upset. Genuinely no big deal, things like that happen all the time, but to me then it was like the end of the world. I was worthless, everything I did lead to failure, my life should end and I should die. I didn't really understand what death entailed then, but I remember wanting to throw myself out of the window and then never wake up. It just goes to show my general emotional dysregulation and warped sense of causality, and also somewhat proves to me that I was always screwed; the abuse in my home life hadn't yet developed to the disastrous level it would, and aside from my father dying a few years prior my life was just pretty standard all things considered, yet I was already thinking like this. Even if I had a loving mother, chances are high I would've still turned out like I did because of my shitty brain chemistry. Thinking about this truly saddens me, but I feel like it's also a positive in a sense, as at least a good family wasn't wasted on me.
My first real "attempt" happened when I was 9. I can't really remember why (I can't really remember a lot from that period of my life), but the fragments I do still somewhat retain point to it being something similarly stupid. At this point in my life however my mom gradually came into the first phase of losing herself to schizophrenic paranoia and my life became generally worse, so I can forgive myself a little. I know she also said and did some horrible things to me since I remember her begging me not to tell anyone lest social services take me and drop me around people who would be happy to do anything they wanted to me (she explained in detail) All of this probably pushed me over the edge, and I remember tying a makeshift noose to hang over an exposed metal bar in my room, tying it around my neck, and letting go. Obviously being 9, the knot I made was terrible and incorrect and it held for about 10ish seconds before I dropped to the floor. I was too tired to continue afterwards and went to bed.
There have been many considerations and attempts since (obviously I'm pretty bad at it since I'm still alive lol) But this was the beginning for me. Do any of you have similar experiences trying to cbt this young? If so and you are comfortable sharing it, please do tell, I'm quite curious.
My first real "attempt" happened when I was 9. I can't really remember why (I can't really remember a lot from that period of my life), but the fragments I do still somewhat retain point to it being something similarly stupid. At this point in my life however my mom gradually came into the first phase of losing herself to schizophrenic paranoia and my life became generally worse, so I can forgive myself a little. I know she also said and did some horrible things to me since I remember her begging me not to tell anyone lest social services take me and drop me around people who would be happy to do anything they wanted to me (she explained in detail) All of this probably pushed me over the edge, and I remember tying a makeshift noose to hang over an exposed metal bar in my room, tying it around my neck, and letting go. Obviously being 9, the knot I made was terrible and incorrect and it held for about 10ish seconds before I dropped to the floor. I was too tired to continue afterwards and went to bed.
There have been many considerations and attempts since (obviously I'm pretty bad at it since I'm still alive lol) But this was the beginning for me. Do any of you have similar experiences trying to cbt this young? If so and you are comfortable sharing it, please do tell, I'm quite curious.
