Any specific dates you want to CTB?

[Realityisawful]

I have one. October 8th - the birthday of my crush. A couple years ago I was dedicated to self-improvement and was starting to work towards several goals of mine. I met this girl, she was really interesting and attractive, got to know her, realized we had a ton in common, I decided that I should go for it even if I didn't have my shit together because I feared that it could be a once in a lifetime opportunity, plus I thought that she could get taken at any moment. I ended up being rejected/ghosted. I had no choice but to accept it and move on, as that is the right thing to do. As time went on, I started realizing that she may have been special, that there was a great chance that this could be one of the only people I will ever meet that I could see myself in a long-term relationship with, given how much we had in common. I think the reason why she rejected me was the way I carried myself, and my positioning in life. Which is understandable, considering that I had a lot of issues, even ones I couldn't really mask. But I base my self worth on the person I want to become, and on social media, someone asked her what her ideal partner was, and pretty much every single quality was the person I was trying to become ever since I was a teenager. Which makes this hurt so much more. I've dealt with agoraphobia (among other issues) for years which has prevented me from reaching my personal goals. If I had been at or near that level, and didn't have issues preventing me from achieving that, I might have scored a date with her, and who knows what would have happened. But it didn't go like that. I should have waited until I got my shit together, but that would have inevitably blown up in my face, because she has had a boyfriend for the past year. This is something that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. So, when I decide to kill myself on her birthday, it is not out of spite - she had every right to reject me and I believe she is better off without me (plus, it's not like she'll find out, she doesn't know my full name). Dying on her birthday is just my way of wanting to be attached to her in some way, as small and arbitrary as it is. That is honestly really pathetic, I deserve to die.

Enough about my bullshit story, does anyone else have a specific date they want to CTB on?

 

[almost_dead]

guys , dont CTB on 24th Oct because its my burthday

 

[Realityisawful]

guys , dont CTB on 24th Oct because its my burthday

How would you feel if someone you knew intentionally did that, even if they were an acquaintance? Specifically.

 

[almost_dead]

Aww I just read your post , you are a really sweet guy and i wanna hug u so bad .

As for your question , i usually dont even think about acquaintances .

 

[Brokensaddle]

Preferably soon it's my birthday in November. I just wanna learn enough make sure I prefect my method of handing so I don't fail again. If I could leave this now I would.

 

[Realityisawful]

Aww I just read your post , you are a really sweet guy and i wanna hug u so bad .

Honestly, I'm not. For starters, I'm literally killing myself on my crushes birthday. Would a genuinely good person have the audacity to do that? Plus, I've done some horrible things in my life, am very toxic, and am way too ambitious for my own good. I'm really ungrateful - and have the nerve to rationalize why I should be.

 

[Lupgevif]

I can't say I agree with the reasoning behind your choice of date, but at least you are not doing this to harm the person in question, better yet if it's unlikely for her to find out.

For me, I was about to do it on my birthday, in order to "reduce grief", as in, merging the two days of the year I'd be mostly remembered into a single one. But things happened and I probably won't be able to do it this year nor I think I'll manage to wait another whole one for it.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I have a list of preferred dates. The next is October 12, but I'm unlikely to do it then since I just learned my minis coming to visit on November 19. (She lives in a different country.) it would be nice to wait for her, that way I can see her in person again before I go, and she'll already be in the country for my funeral.

My latest possible date is the birthday of the person who ruined my life. It's vengeful, I know, but I don't care. If he has to spend his remaining birthdays remembering what he did to me, I'm okay with that.

 

[Realityisawful]

I can't say I agree with the reasoning behind your choice of date,

Out of curiosity I would really like you to explain why you disagree.

 

[Lupgevif]

Out of curiosity I would really like you to explain why you disagree.

I disagree more in the sense that "I don't think that's a good idea, so I wouldn't do same" than "I dont think that's a good idea, so you should change that" (just to make it clear I am not judging you). It is just that in my personal vision, I wish my death to be as detached from other people and outside events as possible, be it in reason, method, date, etc. I want the decision to ctb to be perceived as solely mine, as something I rationally considered and chose to carry on all by myself, to make it clear I have the ultimate say over my own life. Therefore, choosing to do it on the birthday of someone who affected my life in some way would make me feel as if I am letting an outside factor exert some control over this choice I so value as exclusively mine.

 

[Realityisawful]

I disagree more in the sense that "I don't think that's a good idea, so I wouldn't do same" than "I dont think that's a good idea, so you should change that" (just to make it clear I am not judging you). It is just that in my personal vision, I wish my death to be as detached from other people and outside events as possible, be it in reason, method, date, etc. I want the decision to ctb to be perceived as solely mine, as something I rationally considered and chose to carry on all by myself, to make it clear I have the ultimate say over my own life. Therefore, choosing to do it on the birthday of someone who affected my life in some way would make me feel as if I am letting an outside factor exert some control over this choice I so value as exclusively mine.

I am killing myself for multiple reasons, it isn't really about the incident involving this woman (who honestly, probably forgot about my existence). Actually, this blown opportunity isn't the deciding factor for my suicide. But I did decide to choose this date, because it is very likely I will always have this nagging feeling of "what if" about this girl. I think she was special. So...fuck it.