Hi.... I don't know who else to talk to about this anymore. It was a couple years ago now and everyone thinks I've moved on. But i haven't. I can't. So I'm gonna tell my story again here. Maybe if I get it out I'll feel better?
So, for names. We've git my Ex-best friends and ex-roommates, we'll call them Cat and Frog. And we've got the man who came between us. We'll call him Shark.
I had been dealing with a MASSIVE crush on Frog. I had liked her for a few years now. But I didn't truly know if she was gay. She made little comments here and there but a lot of straight girls love doing that to their gay friends. I told Cat how I felt, and she told me Frog wasn't into women and to try to let it go. But Frog and I were REALLY close. Like. Having conversations naked in my bedroom close. And it didn't feel right to me to continue let her act that way with no knowledge of how I felt. I didn't want her to feel like she was being preyed on in her own home. So if she felt the need to cover up knowing exactly HOW I was looking at her, I wanted to give her that opportunity. So I decided to tell her. But not actually tell her. I was still up in the air on that part because Cat NAILED it into my head that she had no interest. But I DO know she had a super high sex drive, and no boyfriend. I thought I could maaaaybe at least fill the role sexually for her. First mistake. The kicker is she didn't say no. She said that she thinks we both needed more therapy before trying to do anything together. And she was right! So I took that as a no, and I moved on. I started talking to new people, and eventually met someone. He wasn't there for a boyfriend. He was really just an easy fuck and a fun time. He was an alcoholic, I had no intentions of seriously dating this man. But I told Cat and Frog about him. I didn't want to have to lie or sneak to see him, and were all grown ass adults. I didn't think I needed to. Second mistake. Frog starts treating me like shit. Getting pissy every time I mention him. One time even saying "I mean I guess you can have a fuck buddy". When she found out we HAD actually started dating, she LOST it. She was visibly mad at me for DAYS. And I kept asking her what was wrong. One day I asked "are you gonna keep storming around or can we just talk about this?" And she looked me dead in my face, said "No" and stormed off. I didn't know what to do or how to fix it. But it was driving me insane. I didn't want to fuck up our friendship like that and she wasn't letting me fix it. She also started telling people I tried to sleep with her and only wanted her for her body, which forced ME to defend myself and tell people my feelings for her. Third mistake. Frog loses her shit, because I "told everyone but her". I didn't tell HER because CAT told me over and over through this whole thing that she had no interest. I didn't need that rejection. They were also best friends so I thought I could trust Cat. Apparently not. Because it really seems like she liked me back, or was at least open to it. Over a few weeks, tension lessens. I do run back to my ex-boyfriend in the meantime and drop the just for fun guy. Which she took as me picking other people over her multiple times. When in my brain this WHOLE time, she'd shut me down already. But eventually, things start to turn back to normal. Until Shark shows up. Now Shark and I have history. I know tons of people he used to be friends with, which means I know how gross this MF actually is. He's a general slimeball, and has been cheating on his wife since she was still his girlfriend. Several times with minors. He flirts with anything that talks and has a pussy. He's absolutely my least favorite person. And Shark and Frog have always been besties. I obviously hated it at first, but I didn't tell her all the things I knew about him because I didn't want her to think I was trying t come between them. She'd known him longer than me anyway. I just made it clear I couldn't stand him and didn't want him anywhere near our house. At least not while I was there. I eventually got comfortable with them being friends. Even though I always had this pit in my stomach. Well it turns out I was right. She fell asleep in the living room a few weeks after the main falling out. After getting her in bed, I noticed she'd left her phone on the couch. I pick it up, and the first thing I see is a text from Shark that says "you look so pretty with daddies cock in your mouth" and I almost threw up. I did a quick scroll and was able to confirm she was sleeping with Shark. I try not to say anything, but after a couple days I had to bring it up. And she falls apart. Full waterworks. And I felt bad, so I comforted her. But no one comforted me. Everyone knew at this point how I felt about her and how I felt about Shark. This was the worst possible outcome for me. All I could do was sit with the pain. Cat told me I had no business being upset about it because it wasn't my marriage. But it was that and so much more. It felt like the sharpest betrayal. And slowly but surely, the sadness turned to rage. It was the only thing I could feel, and the only way I could stop myself from crying and having full panic attacks every day. Every time I thought about them together I felt like I was gonna die, and I turned all that into repulsive vitriol. I called her every name in the book to Cat. I stopped using her name entirely and just called her "the whore". I had a full mental break. And about this time, started attempting to CTB. Cat knew how I was feeling and saved me on more that one occasion. I couldn't handle the level of sadness and pain I was feeling. So if I couldn't feel rage, I didn't know how I was supposed to continue on. At one point, after Frog had moved out, I convinced her to talk it out with me and found out she'd been sleeping with Shark since before we'd even met. So she treated me like shit, saidbthe whole fuck buddy thing, told all our friends I picked someone else over her..... all of that. And the entire time she was fucking a married man. But no one seemed to care about that part. They all only cared about my anger. Which was intense. After I found that part out I spent the better part of two hours berating Frog directly to her face. I'm not saying what I did was in any way excusable. I just thought I meant more than that to people. I was constantly trying to kill myself, it was obvious I was having a Full Mental Breakdown. And instead of just telling me i was too stressful for her, which i just wouldnt have talked to her about it anymkre, my BEST FRIEND FOR OVER A DECADE ghosted me. It's been two years since then. Frog and Cat have blocked me on everything. Not because I reached out, because I didn't. Just in case I guess. It makes sense. But Cat and I were friends for 12 years. Hearing her say things like "don't call my friend a whore" when I'm here like I thought I was your friend? Why didn't you care when she was saying things about me? Why don't you care how badly she hurt me? Why did none of that matter to anyone? I think about them every day and still haven't let go of any of the pain. Or any of the rage. And it still makes me wanna leave sometimes. I'm sorry if this is messy. It was a lot and I don't have the heart to read and check my grammar. I'm just gonna post it. All I wanted was to get it out anyway.
So, for names. We've git my Ex-best friends and ex-roommates, we'll call them Cat and Frog. And we've got the man who came between us. We'll call him Shark.
I had been dealing with a MASSIVE crush on Frog. I had liked her for a few years now. But I didn't truly know if she was gay. She made little comments here and there but a lot of straight girls love doing that to their gay friends. I told Cat how I felt, and she told me Frog wasn't into women and to try to let it go. But Frog and I were REALLY close. Like. Having conversations naked in my bedroom close. And it didn't feel right to me to continue let her act that way with no knowledge of how I felt. I didn't want her to feel like she was being preyed on in her own home. So if she felt the need to cover up knowing exactly HOW I was looking at her, I wanted to give her that opportunity. So I decided to tell her. But not actually tell her. I was still up in the air on that part because Cat NAILED it into my head that she had no interest. But I DO know she had a super high sex drive, and no boyfriend. I thought I could maaaaybe at least fill the role sexually for her. First mistake. The kicker is she didn't say no. She said that she thinks we both needed more therapy before trying to do anything together. And she was right! So I took that as a no, and I moved on. I started talking to new people, and eventually met someone. He wasn't there for a boyfriend. He was really just an easy fuck and a fun time. He was an alcoholic, I had no intentions of seriously dating this man. But I told Cat and Frog about him. I didn't want to have to lie or sneak to see him, and were all grown ass adults. I didn't think I needed to. Second mistake. Frog starts treating me like shit. Getting pissy every time I mention him. One time even saying "I mean I guess you can have a fuck buddy". When she found out we HAD actually started dating, she LOST it. She was visibly mad at me for DAYS. And I kept asking her what was wrong. One day I asked "are you gonna keep storming around or can we just talk about this?" And she looked me dead in my face, said "No" and stormed off. I didn't know what to do or how to fix it. But it was driving me insane. I didn't want to fuck up our friendship like that and she wasn't letting me fix it. She also started telling people I tried to sleep with her and only wanted her for her body, which forced ME to defend myself and tell people my feelings for her. Third mistake. Frog loses her shit, because I "told everyone but her". I didn't tell HER because CAT told me over and over through this whole thing that she had no interest. I didn't need that rejection. They were also best friends so I thought I could trust Cat. Apparently not. Because it really seems like she liked me back, or was at least open to it. Over a few weeks, tension lessens. I do run back to my ex-boyfriend in the meantime and drop the just for fun guy. Which she took as me picking other people over her multiple times. When in my brain this WHOLE time, she'd shut me down already. But eventually, things start to turn back to normal. Until Shark shows up. Now Shark and I have history. I know tons of people he used to be friends with, which means I know how gross this MF actually is. He's a general slimeball, and has been cheating on his wife since she was still his girlfriend. Several times with minors. He flirts with anything that talks and has a pussy. He's absolutely my least favorite person. And Shark and Frog have always been besties. I obviously hated it at first, but I didn't tell her all the things I knew about him because I didn't want her to think I was trying t come between them. She'd known him longer than me anyway. I just made it clear I couldn't stand him and didn't want him anywhere near our house. At least not while I was there. I eventually got comfortable with them being friends. Even though I always had this pit in my stomach. Well it turns out I was right. She fell asleep in the living room a few weeks after the main falling out. After getting her in bed, I noticed she'd left her phone on the couch. I pick it up, and the first thing I see is a text from Shark that says "you look so pretty with daddies cock in your mouth" and I almost threw up. I did a quick scroll and was able to confirm she was sleeping with Shark. I try not to say anything, but after a couple days I had to bring it up. And she falls apart. Full waterworks. And I felt bad, so I comforted her. But no one comforted me. Everyone knew at this point how I felt about her and how I felt about Shark. This was the worst possible outcome for me. All I could do was sit with the pain. Cat told me I had no business being upset about it because it wasn't my marriage. But it was that and so much more. It felt like the sharpest betrayal. And slowly but surely, the sadness turned to rage. It was the only thing I could feel, and the only way I could stop myself from crying and having full panic attacks every day. Every time I thought about them together I felt like I was gonna die, and I turned all that into repulsive vitriol. I called her every name in the book to Cat. I stopped using her name entirely and just called her "the whore". I had a full mental break. And about this time, started attempting to CTB. Cat knew how I was feeling and saved me on more that one occasion. I couldn't handle the level of sadness and pain I was feeling. So if I couldn't feel rage, I didn't know how I was supposed to continue on. At one point, after Frog had moved out, I convinced her to talk it out with me and found out she'd been sleeping with Shark since before we'd even met. So she treated me like shit, saidbthe whole fuck buddy thing, told all our friends I picked someone else over her..... all of that. And the entire time she was fucking a married man. But no one seemed to care about that part. They all only cared about my anger. Which was intense. After I found that part out I spent the better part of two hours berating Frog directly to her face. I'm not saying what I did was in any way excusable. I just thought I meant more than that to people. I was constantly trying to kill myself, it was obvious I was having a Full Mental Breakdown. And instead of just telling me i was too stressful for her, which i just wouldnt have talked to her about it anymkre, my BEST FRIEND FOR OVER A DECADE ghosted me. It's been two years since then. Frog and Cat have blocked me on everything. Not because I reached out, because I didn't. Just in case I guess. It makes sense. But Cat and I were friends for 12 years. Hearing her say things like "don't call my friend a whore" when I'm here like I thought I was your friend? Why didn't you care when she was saying things about me? Why don't you care how badly she hurt me? Why did none of that matter to anyone? I think about them every day and still haven't let go of any of the pain. Or any of the rage. And it still makes me wanna leave sometimes. I'm sorry if this is messy. It was a lot and I don't have the heart to read and check my grammar. I'm just gonna post it. All I wanted was to get it out anyway.
