Any self-hating gays on here?

[marconk]

I hate being gay, not because I think there's anything wrong with it but simply because it's ruined my life, I feel like requited love is pretty much impossible, having crushes or falling in love with straight people is soul-destroying, I don't fit in the lgbt "community" and I hate the "small ghetto" feeling, I think many lgbt relationships are just settling with no real passion, I hope to be proven wrong someday but I don't have a good feeling about this

 

[Pony]

My father believes I'm gay. I'm 28 years old and my grandmother said recently: you look like a girl. When I was 15, a little boy called me a girl-boy. I have a strange body, I'm gaining muscle very quickly, which shows normal testosterone, i have normal testicles but my face shows something else. I don't understand it at all. Several times at school they had suspicions that I was gay or bisexual. Maybe it's LGBT issues, but only women excite me, and body reaction shows that too.

Although sometimes I wanted to please some men and it was an involuntary reaction which surprised me. Except that other men also lick the ass of an alpha male, and even lions have gay sex. I mean, I didn't want to have sex with them, but psychologically I let them know I was lower in the hierarchy. Like beta wolves, they obey alpha wolves.

is it possible you might be intersex?

 

[TheWhiskyTheLiar]

I genuinely fucking despise the fact I'm LGBT. Other people can do whatever they want with their lives and ill always support them. But I genuinely hate being LGBT and half of the time will just tell people I'm not and let them Misgender me because I hate that I'm upset about it. Toxic but...I cant help it.

 

[MrAsclepius]

 

[Taki]

I genuinely fucking despise the fact I'm LGBT. Other people can do whatever they want with their lives and ill always support them. But I genuinely hate being LGBT and half of the time will just tell people I'm not and let them Misgender me because I hate that I'm upset about it. Toxic but...I cant help it.

I hear you.

 

[Meditation guide]

but only women excite me, and body reaction shows that too.

Although sometimes I wanted to please some men and it was an involuntary reaction which surprised me

I see a contradiction here which makes me wonder if, since you wanted to please some men, you might be bisexual. It sounds like you get aroused by a submissive position around men.

 

[watchingthewheels]

Not self-hating, but was never happy about the fact, either. Just "another brick in the wall."

 

[paininme]

Not me personally but I have a friend that suffers with this he wishes he wasn't part of lbgtq community it's really heartbreaking to hear him talk about it and feel that way towards himself so my love goes out to you it must be very difficult

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I'm not gay, but I am a bisexual woman who is more sexually attracted to women and it's just recently started to become a problem. I've never felt part of the lgbtq+ community because no one really takes bisexuality seriously, especially the gay community. I've dated more men for a few reasons. The biggest one is simple math. There are more heterosexual men than women interested in women. It's nearly impossible to find a woman I'm attracted to, that is attracted to me and be aware of it. Also, I'm more nervous around women that I'm attracted to than men I'm attracted to. Lately, the only kind of relationship I'd be interested in is one with a woman and there are just no options for me where I'm at. When I looked online, being bisexual, I just spent an hour swiping left on headless couples looking for threesomes, a few women looking to be "serviced" (seriously, that word was used twice), a couple of "lesbians only" lesbians, and very few others not all compatible or nearby. That's another huge problem with dating women when you're bisexual. A lot of lesbians don't want a bisexual partner and a lot of bisexual women don't want to seriously date me. So anyway, I've stopped searching altogether and honestly, I don't even know why I tried. I don't really have the energy for a relationship right now anyway. So no, I'm not a self hating gay and my problems are not at all as bad as many gay people, and especially not as bad as transgender people have it but I do understand it a little. I'm still not very open about my bisexuality, and I do hide it occasionally. But man, I do want a girlfriend.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I hate the gay part of me and for anyone wondering why it's because even though we're not we were brought up Catholic. In the 90s people hated gays(especially lesbians) so I grew up hidden and ashamed and I still am now.

 

[EdibleGasMask]

I'm a gay male myself and I've swayed between "maybe its okay that this is who I am" to debilitating self loathing. Mainly, its from not feeling anything emotionally and feeling like an asshole subsequently after dating a guy. I don't hold my homosexuality solely for my decision but its had a part.

 

[Spiral]

Somebody posted a thread recently with a video about how gas lighting from other people and society can affect our internal voice and how we see ourselves. I would share it here if I could remember which thread it was in because I genuinely believe it's got some very valid points. Perhaps any self hate we are feeling for being lgbt or any other way that society fails to accept (because the herd mentality is to attack anything different than themselves) has been gaslit and brainwashed into us from the words of other people so often that it merges with our internal voice.
I think in this instance it must be the case because love can never be wrong, being lgbt is not wrong in any way at all, it is only peoples perceptions (and quite frankly goddamn nosey curtain twitching behaviour concerning themselves with things that are none of their business) that are wrong. Society has come a really long way in the last 100 years and it is still not enough, hopefully people will continue to open their minds as time goes on but while that is happening it's really important to remember (even though it's hard) that you are not the problem, the herd are the problem.
As for self hate regarding failed relationships and losing the will to try again, only time can heal those sort of wounds. It is just so hard tbh. I have also given up even thinking about relationships because I don't feel I can ever be enough for another person, especially with my poor mental state and plants to Ctb.
I do hope you are able to find inner peace and maybe love again if that is what you choose xx

 

[MindFrog]

There are times I wish I wasn't gay either.. Maybe it's the indoctrination but I still feel wrong for being me, even when I know it's not the case.
If I was straight, everything would be easier, I dont have to hide and I can relate with my peers and I can love without being judged. It'll be one less problem I have to deal with.


But well... That ain't me still.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I do hate myself; not necessarily because I'm gay but because of how society has brainwashed me, isolated me and pushed me to hide in the shadows, becoming more vulnerable and an easy prey for ill intentioned people. And that's what happened.

Since my twenties my goal was clear: get a good job, become independent from my parents (that never spoke to me about my homosexuality, dating, dangers and my way into life since when I did the coming out) and become a well-rounded man, with enough depth to attract a partner and start a relationship.

Unluckily the vast majority of gay men are all sex; the attitude is always "let's start from a sex date, so that I have a good time. If I will enjoy it, then maybe we can see us again". Gay men that are already into the scene since longer than you will teach you that this is how 2 gay men date.
And little by little you will realize that you can't think different if you want to attract someone to you.
Society forces you to stay in the dark; you can't meet a gay man normally, most of the times you have to stick to dating apps, especially if you don't live in a large city that offers more support. So you will have to "play by the rules" and you are left more vulnerable to a one on one date.

In my early 30s I started to open myself a bit more, as men were leaving me behind for my inexperience. And as I was falling into a bad depressive suicidal period, I got lured by a guy that pretended that he wanted to help me, while his perverted mind suggested him to lie so that he could satisfy his fantasies of having his hands on an inexperienced man.
As I opened my heart to him talking about my fears, my depression, my solitude, my unexplored fantasies, he made sure to use all the baits that he had to gain my trust and interest. As I was too cautious to get to a physical contact, he drugged me and since then my life has been completely ruined in the most painful (physical and psychological) way.

After 4 years from the event, at times I still desire a man, a physical contact. And then I immediately hate myself to the point that I want to kill myself, because this mental attitude has been my achille's heel and it has led me to fall prey to the worst outcome for my life.

 

[jesse]

I don't hate being attracted to the same sex, but I hate the labels... and the culture that grew up around them. If I'm in love with someone, why can't it end there? Instead, there are categories, rulesets and expectations for behavior and appearance. When you don't measure up, you are rejected, bullied and excluded... You begin to realize that even in these groups selling themselves as accepting, you must pretend to be someone else to be allowed to exist. You have to be the "right" kind of whatever you are or face isolation. Meanwhile you are also mentally battling the original expectations of your gender you learned as a kid, which are constantly reiterated to you by your peers. You might also be battling religious ideas that conflict with your feelings. It's a mental warzone, and you are a teenager with no idea how to handle any of this shit. All of this, because you happened to get a crush on a specific gender of a person.

As you age, you come to find "the gay community" is rife with ageism, transphobia, and hate. You are constantly bombarded with pop-culture that perpetuates stereotypes and beauty standards you can't ever hope to live up to. You will lose friends many times over this stupid label. So many times that you might begin pretending to be straight, because you can't handle the rejection anymore. You might find yourself very alone while clueless people all around you remind you how easy it is to date as a gay person. Of course if you express any of this, you will be treated like you are a bigot. You will question your identity, over and over again.

This isn't universal, but it's my experience of being gay. I have so many times in my life wished I wasn't.

 

[StuckAF]

I know self-loathing isn't exactly rare around here, but just wondering if there are any lgbt members for whom being gay was a major cause of fucking up their lives. It has been in my case and I'm definitely feeling it tonight as I work my way through a bottle. And yes I'm single lol and have a disastrous relationship history. No surprise there. I have become so determined to kill myself eventually that it's forced me to stop looking for a partner. Sort of a self-reinforcing plan I guess.

I hate myself for being gay it's my main reason to suicide + being short

 

[ZardozOmega]

I hate myself for being gay it's my main reason to suicide + being short

being short doesn't matter that much if youre gay

 

[StuckAF]

being short doesn't matter that much if youre gay

I don't hate being short for dating related reasons..

 

[ZardozOmega]

I don't hate being short for dating related reasons..

how tall are you if you don't mind

 

[StuckAF]

how tall are you if you don't mind

165

 

[ZardozOmega]

165

do people mess with you because of your height?

 

[StuckAF]

do people mess with you because of your height?

It's complicated but I don't ever see myself being happy when I am gay and short. Self image is really shit my world fell apart when I realized how fucking over life is for me. I was living it on hard mode the whole time. What's the point. I need to go soon but I don't know how since all methods are painful..

 

[LostMyWill]

On my part, I'm gay, but I'm self-loathing because my "parents" mutilated my genitals in the name of their archaic religion.
And since I have borderline personality disorder and can't stand the thought of missing a body part, I'm constantly looping on the fact that I've been stripped of my bodily autonomy as a defenseless child and have to live like this since I'm not even allowed to die peacefully when my quality of life is pure torture.

 

[ZardozOmega]

On my part, I'm gay, but I'm self-loathing because my "parents" mutilated my genitals in the name of their archaic religion.
And since I have borderline personality disorder and can't stand the thought of missing a body part, I'm constantly looping on the fact that I've been stripped of my bodily autonomy as a defenseless child and have to live like this since I'm not even allowed to die peacefully when my quality of life is pure torture.

It's unfortunate how common that is, specially in the US and Canada.

 

[watchingthewheels]

On my part, I'm gay, but I'm self-loathing because my "parents" mutilated my genitals in the name of their archaic religion.
And since I have borderline personality disorder and can't stand the thought of missing a body part, I'm constantly looping on the fact that I've been stripped of my bodily autonomy as a defenseless child and have to live like this since I'm not even allowed to die peacefully when my quality of life is pure torture.

If circumsion were a reason to kill ourselves, well...let's just say that's not much of a reason.

 

[LostMyWill]

If circumsion were a reason to kill ourselves, well...let's just say that's not much of a reason.

It's a reason for me to self-loathe, but not commit suicide. However, a few did in fact commit suicide due to being circumcised. It's a violation of bodily autonomy and should not be tolerated.

 

[watchingthewheels]

It's a reason for me to self-loathe, but not commit suicide. However, a few did in fact commit suicide due to being circumcised. It's a violation of bodily autonomy and should not be tolerated.

Not a reason for self-loathing, either; not a good one, anyway. It wasn't your choice, you had no moral culpability. It is what it is. Is a violation? I can grant that. But why punish yourself? That's misdirected shame and loathing that frankly no one deserves to inflict upon themselves. That's just adding insult to injury. "Be gentle with yourself" on this one.

 

[Gaybonez]

I wish I was gay tbh. Would be easier to get realtionships (or at least better than literally nothing) and by now nobody hates them anymore

It's not easier to get relationships. It is easier to get sex though

 

[blacktrain98]

I'm also trans tho, and that's the main reason I wanna ctb. Not that I'm gay, I know the title is about gay ppl but in the text it also says lgbt so I thought I'd comment. With being trans it's hard cause I can never truly be the gender I want to be even with countless surgeries which I can't even get but ya know, in the end I'm still biologically the wrong gender and that's consuming me and it's one of the reasons I wanna ctb. I guess being gay might make it harder to find a partner if you're in some country where it's not safe to say it publicly but in my country it's not personally a problem.

Fuck biology. Biology doesn't mean shit. That's just society's words getting under your skin. We all might be fucked in the head on here, but there is nothing wrong with treating gender the way that it actually is- a role in society.

 

[Taki]

It's not easier to get relationships. It is easier to get sex though

That is news to me man.