Any other parents here?

[boom.shaka.laka]

Any other parents here?

This is the factor that has stopped me from ctb.. why I've continued to reach out for help (knowing damn well it's pointless).

I feel guilty even thinking about ctb, because of the pain it would bring my child. But at the same time, I feel like such a burden being here. I try and convince myself that my child would be upset at first, but would get over it and be better off.

Not that I don't care how it would affect other loved ones, but there is just something different when it comes to a child. At least to me.

Not sure what I'm getting at, but I guess I'm just looking to see if I'm alone in this or what.

 

[hopeisdead]

Any other parents here?

This is the factor that has stopped me from ctb.. why I've continued to reach out for help (knowing damn well it's pointless).

I feel guilty even thinking about ctb, because of the pain it would bring my child. But at the same time, I feel like such a burden being here. I try and convince myself that my child would be upset at first, but would get over it and be better off.

Not that I don't care how it would affect other loved ones, but there is just something different when it comes to a child. At least to me.

Not sure what I'm getting at, but I guess I'm just looking to see if I'm alone in this or what.

I was going to post this same thread. My daughter is only 6. She is my angel and my soul mate. Our bond is incredible and amazing. She is my world. I know her father doesn't take care of her correctly. We have 50/50 custody. I'm so conflicted but I don't know what else to do. It pains me every single day being depressed, not being able to stop crying. She just gets mad when I cry now. I don't want to damage her and I am either way, if I stay or if I go. We will lose our home soon because I'm not mentally well enough to work to keep it. Her dad makes okay money and has a good job. I don't know what else to do. It makes me sick. I know ctbing will destroy her.... I just don't know what else to do. I've been on so many different meds and literally nothing works. I'm crushed. I know she is my purpose in life... but I don't want to continue to fail her. I'm a mess.

 

[boom.shaka.laka]

I was going to post this same thread. My daughter is only 6. She is my angel and my soul mate. Our bond is incredible and amazing. She is my world. I know her father doesn't take care of her correctly. We have 50/50 custody. I'm so conflicted but I don't know what else to do. It pains me every single day being depressed, not being able to stop crying. She just gets mad when I cry now. I don't want to damage her and I am either way, if I stay or if I go. We will lose our home soon because I'm not mentally well enough to work to keep it. Her dad makes okay money and has a good job. I don't know what else to do. It makes me sick. I know ctbing will destroy her.... I just don't know what else to do. I've been on so many different meds and literally nothing works. I'm crushed. I know she is my purpose in life... but I don't want to continue to fail her. I'm a mess.

Different situation on my end but I can relate to what you're feeling. I know ctb will hurt my child but I feel like I'm hurting them by being here as well. I've tried so many things too but I just can't seem to get better. It's agonizing.

 

[hopeisdead]

Different situation on my end but I can relate to what you're feeling. I know ctb will hurt my child but I feel like I'm hurting them by being here as well. I've tried so many things too but I just can't seem to get better. It's agonizing.

Same here.

 

[Stormy Raine]

I'm sorry I can't relate and as a mother I'd love to be able to say my children are the reason I want to be here. Unfortunately my children are a big part of me NOT wanting to be here, they have been terrible!

 

[bluebus]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine how conflicting and painful it must be trying to make this decision with children to think about.
My mom has been extremely depressed and unwell her whole life. I used to have to talk her out of killing herself when I was only in Kindergarten. She was in so much pain and I couldn't bring her enough happiness to heal her. I definitely think it messed me up a little as a child. Along with all the other childhood trauma that came from her. But can say I never had the same thoughts/ feelings as her. No matter how bad things got, I always had hope that things would get better. That's what kept me going. I always wanted to live. Unfortunately circumstances beyond my control have now left me with no choice but the ctb. I'm sorry this turned in to a bit of a rant. I really wish I could provide you some good advice/ insight, but I don't have any to give. I just wanted to share that I am so sorry you are in this situation. Life isn't fair that's for sure. I really hope you can find the peace you deserve and that things get better. Wishing you all the best, and sending light in this dark time

 

[kocto]

I was going to post this same thread. My daughter is only 6. She is my angel and my soul mate. Our bond is incredible and amazing. She is my world. I know her father doesn't take care of her correctly. We have 50/50 custody. I'm so conflicted but I don't know what else to do. It pains me every single day being depressed, not being able to stop crying. She just gets mad when I cry now. I don't want to damage her and I am either way, if I stay or if I go. We will lose our home soon because I'm not mentally well enough to work to keep it. Her dad makes okay money and has a good job. I don't know what else to do. It makes me sick. I know ctbing will destroy her.... I just don't know what else to do. I've been on so many different meds and literally nothing works. I'm crushed. I know she is my purpose in life... but I don't want to continue to fail her. I'm a mess.

as a child with a mother that ended her life when i was 7, i can tell you one thing: it will destroy her. i am fully supportive of whatever choice you make, but one of my biggest wishes in my life is that mother had held on for me. i'm not pro-life and this is the first post i have EVER felt obligated to say otherwise than "i wish you peace." just... if you're going to do it, leave her a note. telling her all the things you wish you could tell her when she were to grow up. or something like that. because i wish my mother had left me something.
wish you luck for whatever choice you make.

 

[cemetorium]

I don't have children, but I understand the conflicting feelings about wanting to CTB but not wanting to inflict pain on loved ones, to a degree. I can't claim to know how it feels when it comes to children specifically, I'm just well aware that me catching the bus will hurt people who care about me, while also knowing for a fact that I just can't bear being alive.

I know that CTB is a when not an if for me. It's an inevitability.

 

[hopeisdead]

as a child with a mother that ended her life when i was 7, i can tell you one thing: it will destroy her. i am fully supportive of whatever choice you make, but one of my biggest wishes in my life is that mother had held on for me. i'm not pro-life and this is the first post i have EVER felt obligated to say otherwise than "i wish you peace." just... if you're going to do it, leave her a note. telling her all the things you wish you could tell her when she were to grow up. or something like that. because i wish my mother had left me something.
wish you luck for whatever choice you make.

I'm so so sorry you had to endure that. The last thing I want to do is leave her. Of course I don't want to. I feel that I'm damaging her by being here and being depressed. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. What does "holding on" mean if there isn't any hope for me? It's not that I haven't tried. I've tried numerous things, numerous meds. I don't even feel that I can take care of her properly. I'm not even showering or drinking water myself at this point. Would her enduring homelessness be better? How can I care for a child this way? What else am I supposed to do? What is hanging on going to do?

 

[NancyVicious]

I have 4 children, the youngest is 13. They are what has kept me alive for the past 25 years. I do worry about how they will cope if I'm not around. I don't want to cause them pain. They have watched my depression ebb and flow over the years but have no idea the true extent of what I've been hiding from them. Now two are adults themselves, they are all a bit older and they don't need me so much. They will look after each other, I know that much. It does leave me torn between staying and going

 

[curtaincall]

Tough thread.

I'm a Dad to 2 girls aged 7 and 6.

My dad died when I was 8.

 

[koko]

I have 3 kids all under 13 years old. Every time I am close I think about how bad it will impact them. I still plan to CVB, but do worry about how it will impact them. I am not a great parent, so maybe it won't mean much.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

Hell nah i would never have kids

 

[itsjustit]

Have 1 kid 19 months young enough to probably not remember me when i CTB. I am filling out a book for him to get to know me a bit better when he grows up. Also making some videos of my favorite hobby for him to learn if he chooses to when he grows up. Kids attached to the mom anyway so i doubt hell miss me.

Sort of always wondered if there were any other parents on here as well.