another vent

[Some place nice]

The calls aren't helping anymore, I can feel myself getting bad again and I work really hard to tell my bf, if we're in a call he just knows when I'm getting bad, but I don't think that he realizes how bad it is rn. I have so much guilt for still wanting to ctb, I feel like a bad person for having everything that I wanted and yet I still am not happy... I still want to die. He stands next to me though, and tries everything in his power to help, but I don't think it's enough, at least not anymore. When I talk to my best friend anymore, he makes me sad, I want to help and I feel like they're just pushing me away. They never respond and I'm just left there just knowing that they're depressed, and I am helpless to make them feel better. My mom makes me feel bad for even being alive, my sisters won't care too much, and my dad will be happy that he doesn't have to pretend to care about me. I have such big urges to ctb, it feels like my urges to kill, if I don't go through with my urges than it hurts. the only person I feel that isn't waiting for me to die is my bf. He thinks the world of me just I think the world of him. I'm getting weaker to my urges, and I fear I might go through with it the next time my mom if off. It's three days of her making me feel less than if I am too happy or her trying to pick me up if I'm too sad, life with her is too chaotic and confusing and I can't take too much of it anymore. My bf is thinking about letting me move in with him, but I don't think it'll happen in time.

 

[Hardcore_Henry]

i know it must be difficult living with people that make you feel like that, but moving in with your partner is a great goal to work towards because it's something to look forward to, so it has to be over at some point. i really hope it's something that you both can make happen.