another thread: anyone else HAVE to die?

[rabbithole]

Like living will inevitably lead to very unfavorable things (in the near future) and you must die before they happen.

I keep trying to suck one more day out of my life each day. It feels like I'm the living dead. If I do not die I will face a lot of trauma. I am not built with mental or emotional fortitude. I am weak. So I must die or end up in a ward at a young age and that cannot happen.

I apologize for constant posting. I may attempt tonight. I believe my sn may be impure so I may just sleep it off and that small chance may give me the guts to take the swig.
I realize I've made this same thread (or very similar) several times lol. I am sorry.

 

[stygal]

With my condition, my literal physical decay I couldn't carry on much longer before it gets really really unpleasant. So yeah: I have to go eventually...so why not sooner then later?

 

[Ender]

I'm incredibly sorry for you. I feel the same way. I believe that I have to die to make the world a better world, I honestly think that out of all the people who could've been born, I had to? I realize I sound selfish considering others who have physical conditions, but it seems like my mental health is killing me.

 

[rabbithole]

With my condition, my literal physical decay I couldn't carry on much longer before it gets really really unpleasant. So yeah: I have to go eventually...so why not sooner then later?

Same here. I have nothing that will kill me and pretty strong genes, just a chronic pain condition plus an incomplete SCI.

it's such a daunting and crushing feeling to know you have to choose between suffering and death. What the hell.

will your condition cause death on its own? If you don't mind me asking.

I'm incredibly sorry for you. I feel the same way. I believe that I have to die to make the world a better world, I honestly think that out of all the people who could've been born, I had to? I realize I sound selfish considering others who have physical conditions, but it seems like my mental health is killing me.

Mental health is very serious on its own. I already had severe mental health issues before my physical injury so I know what you mean.

have you tried any interventions to potentially help? I tried ketamine and it gave me a lot of relief (for a short period). Also I know a lot of people here hate psych drugs but they made my life so much better before my injury. They really lifted the depression.

 

[sadworld]

I'm sorry It feels like everyone wants me to ctb too. I honestly don't know why I'm still fighting, probably because I'm still too anxious to let go. Sending and to you OP!

 

[Ender]

Same here. I have nothing that will kill me and pretty strong genes, just a chronic pain condition plus an incomplete SCI.

it's such a daunting and crushing feeling to know you have to choose between suffering and death. What the hell.

will your condition cause death on its own? If you don't mind me asking.

Mental health is very serious on its own. I already had severe mental health issues before my physical injury so I know what you mean.

have you tried any interventions to potentially help? I tried ketamine and it gave me a lot of relief (for a short period). Also I know a lot of people here hate psych drugs but they made my life so much better before my injury. They really lifted the depression.

Plenty of interventions. Hospital, therapy, group therapy, journaling, coloring, distractions, medications. I don't have access to drugs. Currently I'm taking a sleep medication, I've been sleeping all day for the past couple of days, I just don't want to wake up you know? It helps. But at this point, I'm still looking to ctb.

 

[rabbithole]

I'm sorry It feels like everyone wants me to ctb too. I honestly don't know why I'm still fighting, probably because I'm still too anxious to let go. Sending and to you OP!

<3 and hugs to you as well sweet human.

I'm anxious af to let go too. I've only ever known life. It's more than scary to let it go.

 

[NightmareTour]

I can relate. I'm trying to judge day by day how much longer I have to make my choice, because eventually I'm going to be either physically or mentally incapable of doing it. It's like playing chicken with life, and the only reason I'm playing is because I feel an obligation to "keep trying" for other people.

 

[rabbithole]

Plenty of interventions. Hospital, therapy, group therapy, journaling, coloring, distractions, medications. I don't have access to drugs. Currently I'm taking a sleep medication, I've been sleeping all day for the past couple of days, I just don't want to wake up you know? It helps. But at this point, I'm still looking to ctb.

I am sorry. Definitely give psychotropic drugs a try before giving up. They may help. But I feel your hopelessness and I'm sorry.

I can relate. I'm trying to judge day by day how much longer I have to make my choice, because eventually I'm going to be either physically or mentally incapable of doing it. It's like playing chicken with life, and the only reason I'm playing is because I feel an obligation to "keep trying" for other people.

Wow. Yeah, exactly. Eventually I won't be able to do it either - physically and mentally. Mentally my ability to plan is fading...can't think rationally. So I worry about making an attempt and getting caught and ending up in a far worse situation.

 

[Pookie]

With my condition, my literal physical decay I couldn't carry on much longer before it gets really really unpleasant. So yeah: I have to go eventually...so why not sooner then later?

Same.

 

[yive]

Like living will inevitably lead to very unfavorable things (in the near future) and you must die before they happen.

I keep trying to suck one more day out of my life each day. It feels like I'm the living dead. If I do not die I will face a lot of trauma. I am not built with mental or emotional fortitude. I am weak. So I must die or end up in a ward at a young age and that cannot happen.

i feel the same way. hugs, @rabbithole
i'm a very sensitive person, and because of this life brings me a lot of suffering, so ctb is inevitable for me

 

[Nodscene]

Im on a literal timeframe that's dictated by the amount of meds I have left. Since I can't get any more and without them I'm in such agony that all I can do is try to get through each minute let alone each hour or day. I refuse to live like that and don't deserve it either. No one does to be honest.

Since it's impossible to get a doctor where I live and since they don't prescribe opiods I'm SOL. So much for do no harm, the lack of doctor's and the prevailing view that anyone in pain or needing opiods are just drug addicts will literally cause my death. And here I thought they had an oath against doing harm haha.

To be transparent, I have plans anyways to CTB but now it's not on my timeframe but the lack of proper care.

 

[rabbithole]

i feel the same way. hugs, @rabbithole
i'm a very sensitive person, and because of this life brings me a lot of suffering, so ctb is inevitable for me

Same. I'm sensitive and have been bullied for years which just increased my sensitivity. Then I go to get a lumbar puncture because of a bad headache and end up essentially castrated and with one of the worst pain disorders that exist. A nightmare. Okay sorry...venting lol.

hugs to you too <3.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I certainly feel like I have to do it, from an emotional standpoint. Like, there isn't any alternative that would be anywhere nearly as satisfying.

 

[Ender]

Im on a literal timeframe that's dictated by the amount of meds I have left. Since I can't get any more and without them I'm in such agony that all I can do is try to get through each minute let alone each hour or day. I refuse to live like that and don't deserve it either. No one does to be honest.

Since it's impossible to get a doctor where I live and since they don't prescribe opiods I'm SOL. So much for do no harm, the lack of doctor's and the prevailing view that anyone in pain or needing opiods are just drug addicts will literally cause my death. And here I thought they had an oath against doing harm haha.

To be transparent, I have plans anyways to CTB but now it's not on my timeframe but the lack of proper care.

That sounds really agonizing, and I am really, really sorry. But, if you don't mind me asking, why is it impossible to get a doctor in your area?

 

[rabbithole]

Im on a literal timeframe that's dictated by the amount of meds I have left. Since I can't get any more and without them I'm in such agony that all I can do is try to get through each minute let alone each hour or day. I refuse to live like that and don't deserve it either. No one does to be honest.

Since it's impossible to get a doctor where I live and since they don't prescribe opiods I'm SOL. So much for do no harm, the lack of doctor's and the prevailing view that anyone in pain or needing opiods are just drug addicts will literally cause my death. And here I thought they had an oath against doing harm haha.

To be transparent, I have plans anyways to CTB but now it's not on my timeframe but the lack of proper care.

I hate the damn opioid crisis bs causing so many people to take their lives. It's insane. Yeah, how are they upholding that oath?

a resident destroyed my life by botching a lumbar puncture so I feel your frustrating with doctors.

is palliative care an option for you? I've heard that that helps some people get the medication they need. Also telling a doctor you'll commit suicide without your meds may help. Or get you committed...maybe not worth the risk.

 

[Meditation guide]

Like living will inevitably lead to very unfavorable things (in the near future) and you must die before they happen.

I keep trying to suck one more day out of my life each day. It feels like I'm the living dead. If I do not die I will face a lot of trauma.

This is my situation too. My physical problems won't get better, only worse which is unthinkable.

 

[iDieUDie80]

I have it in the back of my mind that I have to kill myself. I haven't been able to chip away at that, really. No-one has convinced me my future is anything but more misery and completely meaningless. I just want to be done.

 

[FluffyDove]

Its CTB or prison for me. Stalker framed me for something, unlikely to get out of it, and he'll never stop until I'm dead, so I need to go asap

 

[Ardesevent]

I have it in the back of my mind that I have to kill myself. I haven't been able to chip away at that, really. No-one has convinced me my future is anything but more misery and completely meaningless. I just want to be done.

Same boat here. It feels like there's no point in living if it's only going to make you more and more miserable.

 

[ZardozOmega]

sounds about right for me

 

[iDieUDie80]

Its CTB or prison for me. Stalker framed me for something, unlikely to get out of it, and he'll never stop until I'm dead, so I need to go asap

I'm afraid of getting my probation revoked, but I mainly feel I will never have a future, or even a comfortable life given the permanent ramifications of my sentencing.

 

[Nodscene]

I hate the damn opioid crisis bs causing so many people to take their lives. It's insane. Yeah, how are they upholding that oath?

a resident destroyed my life by botching a lumbar puncture so I feel your frustrating with doctors.

is palliative care an option for you? I've heard that that helps some people get the medication they need. Also telling a doctor you'll commit suicide without your meds may help. Or get you committed...maybe not worth the risk.

Palliative care is usually for people who are dying if I'm not mistaken and I wouldn't be accepted.

Damn, really sorry to hear about the lumbar puncture incident. I can't believe they screwed that up and even worse caused you that much damage/pain. You should be able to sue them and get quite a bit of money for pain and suffering. I'm not usually one to recommend litigation but a settlement would pay for your trip to Sweden where you can get a proper end.

I was actually committed last month after a failed attempt haha. Not that it mattered as I was stuck in the hospital anyways and couldn't go anywhere if I wanted to. The only thing that really bugged me was that after the first 24hr hold, they somehow got the 3 day hold without me being able to defend myself. Maybe it's automatic when you try to CTB, I'm not sure.

I truly feel for you as I understand chronic pain and how most people can't seem to grasp just how horrible and debilitating it can be.

 

[FluffyDove]

I'm afraid of getting my probation revoked, but I mainly feel I will never have a future, or even a comfortable life given the permanent ramifications of my sentencing.

Whats your story? If you don't mind sharing of course

 

[rabbithole]

Palliative care is usually for people who are dying if I'm not mistaken and I wouldn't be accepted.

Damn, really sorry to hear about the lumbar puncture incident. I can't believe they screwed that up and even worse caused you that much damage/pain. You should be able to sue them and get quite a bit of money for pain and suffering. I'm not usually one to recommend litigation but a settlement would pay for your trip to Sweden where you can get a proper end.

I was actually committed last month after a failed attempt haha. Not that it mattered as I was stuck in the hospital anyways and couldn't go anywhere if I wanted to. The only thing that really bugged me was that after the first 24hr hold, they somehow got the 3 day hold without me being able to defend myself. Maybe it's automatic when you try to CTB, I'm not sure.

I truly feel for you as I understand chronic pain and how most people can't seem to grasp just how horrible and debilitating it can be.

I've heard sometimes you can get palliative care without having a terminal illness. I'm in some support groups on fb and there are quite a few people in palliative care with arachnoiditis (which isn't life threatening at all, just horribly painful).

I am trying to sue. Don't know what my odds are of winning though...malpractice is so tough to prove.

damn I'm sorry you were committed. It's awful. I was in one of the top 10 psych wards supposedly in the US and it was still awful and scary.

is there no chance to find a doctor who is willing to prescribe what works for you? I haven't been able to get any narcotics yet so I don't know how that works. I've only recently been diagnosed. I'm so scared of my next flare up...I just don't want to live to see it. I feel so selfish being like that though. Bleh.

 

[xLosthopex]

Yes
I live with the constant feeling of impending doom, that past mistakes will come back to bite me, guilt is eating me alive
I feel like I'm living on borrowed time

 

[Nodscene]

I've heard sometimes you can get palliative care without having a terminal illness. I'm in some support groups on fb and there are quite a few people in palliative care with arachnoiditis (which isn't life threatening at all, just horribly painful).

I am trying to sue. Don't know what my odds are of winning though...malpractice is so tough to prove.

damn I'm sorry you were committed. It's awful. I was in one of the top 10 psych wards supposedly in the US and it was still awful and scary.

is there no chance to find a doctor who is willing to prescribe what works for you? I haven't been able to get any narcotics yet so I don't know how that works. I've only recently been diagnosed. I'm so scared of my next flare up...I just don't want to live to see it. I feel so selfish being like that though. Bleh.

Its

I've heard sometimes you can get palliative care without having a terminal illness. I'm in some support groups on fb and there are quite a few people in palliative care with arachnoiditis (which isn't life threatening at all, just horribly painful).

I am trying to sue. Don't know what my odds are of winning though...malpractice is so tough to prove.

damn I'm sorry you were committed. It's awful. I was in one of the top 10 psych wards supposedly in the US and it was still awful and scary.

is there no chance to find a doctor who is willing to prescribe what works for you? I haven't been able to get any narcotics yet so I don't know how that works. I've only recently been diagnosed. I'm so scared of my next flare up...I just don't want to live to see it. I feel so selfish being like that though. Bleh.

It's impossible to even get a doctor let one one that will give me a script for opiods. We have a shortage of doctors where I am and not long ago 2 retired and they both had large practices. Since then we only got 1 new doctor so the situation is even worse than before.

When I first moved here I tried talking to every doctor I could (including 2 who were friends of the family albeit loosely) and as soon as they saw I was on opiods every one said they refuse to write RX for that. They could care less if it was a necessity or not. Thankfully at the time I still had my doctor from where I was living before I had to move home but it also meant I had to drive 8hrs each way every 2 months.

Talk about a fucked up situation.

It's a good suggestion but I don't see how palliative care can really do anything for me. There's nothing that can be done for my back and while I have bulging discs, a ruptured disc, my C1 rotated way further than it should be etc etc etc, they still don't see anything "wrong". In a way I understand as people can have way worse MRI's and have no pain but they also know that people with healthier MRI's than me have severe pain.

In a nutshell I'm f*ckef and no one in the medical community gives a shit.

I wish you the best of luck with treatment and make sure you stand up for yourself and dont let them push you around. These days you have to be your own advocate and fight to get the right treatments. You just might get a doctor that actually cares and will do his job properly. It's rare but been known to happen ;) Let hope you get one that does give a shit.

 

[Meditation guide]

go asap

It sounds awful. If you want to message me about this I'm a good listener.

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I have to as well, my life has always been awful and has gotten progressively worse over time in various ways. At the age I'm at and going forward my physical and mental health will only deteriorate even further. There's no escaping with anything other than suicide.

 

[tryingtoescape]

I have to as well. I was already a really sensitive person too. I was bullied as a child and had anxiety and OCD and agoraphobia. And then I developed a disability, Tinnitus. Every day is suffering now, for the past 5 years. I don't have the strength for this life. The anxiety is overwhelming and unbearable.